Chapter 6

Pizza and a movie night was interesting that night. My cheek was still beet red from David's hand. I told my parents that I got hit with a locker. Jebbie knew better but she kept quiet, at least until my parents went to bed. "Are you ever going to tell your parents what really happened?" Jessica questioned me like I was some abuse victim. I wasn't. He hit me once. I shot her a 'shut up' look. My other friends didn't know what happened. I wanted to keep it that way, too, but of course that question made Mary, Lindsey and Ashley all fill up with questions. They didn't dare ask, but it was written all over their faces. "Look, there's nothing to tell, ok Jebbie? I got hit with a locker." I said glaring into each of my friends' eyes. "Yea, a locker named David."

That pushed me over the edge, and everyone could see. But I couldn't start yelling cause then I would wake up my parents. That was the last thing I needed right now. All I could do was cry. Jebbie was right, it did take a lot to get me crying, but after David hit me I became so emotional all of a sudden. I didn't like it. I used to be a rock, now I cry at the drop of a hat. My friends were becoming uncomfortable. None of us liked to cry in public, or see someone else cry in public. It was almost like a crime or something. I never understood why people would just cry in front of other people- especially their friends. But I understand now. It wasn't their choice. It just happens. Someone says one thing that really gets you going. You can just feel your self-fill up with pain, anger, rage, other feelings I never felt, never imagined I could feel. You can't do anything about those feelings and you know it. I think that's what does it to people, you know, makes them crazy. I mean we all feel anger at times, and pain and sometimes rage. We all act our feelings differently. Some people become murderers, others rapists, others cutters, but others just can't do anything. For all sorts of reasons. Friends, parents, siblings, boyfriends, comments, reputations, fear. Those are the criers. They can't become the abuser...they become the abused. That's why we become crazy, we can't speak up. We keep everything bottled up. Everything. Good, bad, horrible, anything. What do we do? We cry. We cry until we can't, we cry until all our feelings are gone that are 'evil'. And that's what I am becoming- a crier.

But why? I never used to be a crier. I wasn't the murderer either, I was me. I used to be open with my parents and friends. Especially my mom. I remember when I was younger, like Alyssa's age, mom and I were like best friends. We could talk about anything. I could tell her anything. But now? I can't. I can't be open with her. Why? Am I changing? Did mom change? Is that the cycle of life? Maybe it's Alyssa's turn. But it's not fair. If I was younger I would walk up to mom and say 'Mom, hold me. I had a bad day at school. My life is falling apart. My boyfriend hit me, I am losing my friends, and I can't keep up with my homework. I am falling apart, Mom. Fix me, make it better, better yet, and make it go away. Make my pain and hurt go away. Protect me from this monster eating at me, protect me from life. Just hold me and make it go away. That's your job.' Then I would look into her deep brown eyes and smile ever so gently, and that's when Mom would just hold my head close and whisper in my ear 'Ok.'. The next time we look into each other's eyes, we would see tears, little tears forming in our eyes. I miss my mom. I don't care if I am a junior and it's 'uncool' to be best friends with your mom. She understands me. Sometimes I think she understands me better than I do.

Who am I kidding? She doesn't, not anymore. Now we are as different as different can be. The only time we talk is when we are yelling at each other about something stupid. Homework, boys, getting up, going to bed. We never have those mother- daughter moments anymore. She never holds me, she's never there anymore, and I don't even think she remembers my birthday.

The next thing I remember about that pizza and a movie night is I was crying hysterically, and I couldn't stop. I didn't stop. Not until I fell asleep. My mom always told me to go to sleep and everything will be fine in the morning. That's the only advice she ever gave to me, and she lied!