Personal Journey-Jenitta J

Personal Journey-Jenitta J

Raised in NSW, the youngest of three siblings, my father was not present in our family home and my mother was working operating a laundromat. My oldest brother had the responibility of the day to day care of myself and our brother.

I felt neglected and unwanted within my family as my mother was constantly working to support us and my nearest sibling would often perpetrate physical assaults and violence upon me. This brother appeared to turn violent and aggressive toward me after the passing of our father whom we did have contact with until he died. Perhaps this sense of loss and greiving developed into frustration and anger that was not attended to when we were children. Although the boys went to the funeral i was told i was too young.

My brother went from physical violence to sexual assaults upon me which was then followed by sexual perpetration by a stranger whom was a customer at the second hand shop run by my step father at the time. My mother also often assisted at this shop. This man was prosecuted and jailed for this offence upon me but my brother never was however he did cease his sexual perpetration against me at the time the other man was jailed.

Knowing what i do now i believe i had the signs and symptoms of mental health issues long before they were ever diagnosed at the age of 19. Medicated and seeing counsellors i felt that i was improving so i decided to stop taking my medication. This caused a backslide into my mental illness, suicidal thoughts and self injury which led to recurrant hospitalisations to regain control and again manage my mental health issues.

I was again feeling better about myself and questioned my need for medication and decided to try again without it. I still don't like taking my meds but i do because i was held accountable and responsible for my behaviours and actions while not medicated and i learned a very big lesson from this.

Worried

I did a horrible thing
I slapped a boy in the back of the head
I live with it everyday.

I faced court in just over a week
Would i be let off?
Would i have to pay a fine?

I was scared of what might happen
Scared of everything
Scared of not knowing what the judge may decide.

The judge's decision was better than i expected
I was given a court order
That i must obey
Or i face court again.

By Jenitta

The court experience was frightening and it taught me that i had to keep taking my medication even if i didn't want too or felt i needed to because i fear what i might do if i don't. I fear my potential of harming a child which i know while medicated will not happen. I had to make a decision between my own peace of mind or not taking my medication. My sense of peace came from with knowing that i would not be in an unmanaged state of mind, where i knew my behaviour and reactions would not be predictable, and that i can take control of my issues with consistent review by medical practitioner.

I choose now to seek counselling when i feel i need it and have a great support network of professionals and friends.

The Queensland Safe Network Inc. welcomed me into their support groups so that i could come to terms with my own history and i have also found that in helping myself i can help others, validating their experiences and that my knowledge can assist others to learn to find peace within their own lives. I feel useful, i feel valued and my experiences and opinions are not minimised which is something that i had grown accustomed to during my lifetime.

My own sense of personal value has increased and continues to do so and i am finding that others can and do benefit from knowledge gained from my own history and experiences. It is a wonderful feeling that my life has value and what i have lived through and experienced, the good and the bad is not wasted.