Human Resources

INT. BOARD ROOM - DAY

GERALD (Middle aged, well composed manager type) sits across from JERRY (youngerand slightly awkward) who sits at the table, taking notes.

GERALD
--and so I tied him to the bed and beat him within an inch of his life!

Beat.

Gerald starts to laugh, and Jerry, relieved, joins in.

JERRY
I hear ya!

GERALD
Good. Hey, could you grab the Pickling file? It’s right on the table.

JERRY
Right.

Jerry grabs the folder sitting on the display while Gerald reaches for the door. He grabs the doorknob and jiggles it. He stops, and jiggles it again.

GERALD
Hmm. Seem’s we’re uh, locked in.

JERRY
What? But we have the Pickling meeting in fifteen minutes!

GERALD
Calm down, it’s not a big deal.

Gerald tries the door again.

GERALD (CONT'D)
It’s gonna be fine.

Gerald rattles the door knob one more time. He stops and stares at the door for a moment, then starts fumbling more frantically.

GERALD (CONT'D)
We’re locked in.

JERRY
Yeah, but hopefully someone’ll come soon--

GERALD
We’re all gonna die man! We’re all gonna die!

JERRY
Pull yourself together! We’re not gonna die!

Gerald starts pacing around the room, mumbling to himself.

GERALD
You don't understand Jerry, I have a condition. We’re gonna starve man, we’re never leaving this room.

JERRY
Look, just calm down and--

GERALD
I’m too young to die! I’m not going to starve here!

Gerald gets back to the door and starts fumbling with the doorknob again.

JERRY
Hey, remember the time we got lost on that hiking trail? That team building exercise? We survived, didn’t we?

GERALD
Ye...Yeah...

JERRY
And that mountain climbing morale day? We’ll be fine!

GERALD
You’re right.

Gerald stops and turns around, his face thoughtful, yet serene.

GERALD (CONT'D)
We’re not gonna starve. We’ll be fine.

JERRY
See, now you’re getting--

GERALD
I just have to eat you.

JERRY
...what?

GERALD
It’s the only way we’re gonna survive. In order for one of us to live, the other must die.

JERRY
That’s insane!

GERALD
Is it Jerry, is it really?

JERRY
Yes! Yes it is!

Gerald sighs deeply.

GERALD
See, that’s why you’ll never make management. You have to be proactive in this business if you’re going to survive.

Gerald rips the BBQ sauce off the display.

JERRY
What the hell?

GERALD
What, you expect me to eat you without any seasoning? That’s gross, Jerry. That’s just barbaric.

JERRY
Wait wait wait--

GERALD
I told you! This is about survival! Do you want to die?

JERRY
Of course not!

GERALD
Then I have to kill you. It’s the only way.

JERRY
That doesn’t make any sen--

GERALD
Look, in this business we have to make decisions. One must choose what they want, and take it! Proactivity, Jerry. Proactivity.

Gerald advances on Jerry with a hungry look in his eyes.

JERRY
But--

GERALD
No, I’m sorry. There’s a reason I’m in management and you’re in human resources. You just don’t have what it takes to do what I do.

JERRY
Eat people?

GERALD
Darn tootin’!

Gerald lunges at Jerry, who dodges and runs to the other side of the room, banging on the walls, SHOUTING for help.

Gerald slowly reaches into his jacket and removes a fork. He grins at Jerry.

JERRY
Now wait just a second--

GERALD
No waiting, Jerry! Take action! Live in the moment! Do what needs to be done! Eat or be eaten!

Gerald laughs manically, and then leaps at Jerry. Jerry grabs one of the plastic folding chairs and beans Gerald in the head. Gerald goes down onto the floor.

Jerry raises the chair and brings it down, hard. He raises it again, and slams it down, again, and again, and again. Finally, he stops, wiping the sweat from his brow.

The door knob rattles. Jerry turns and freezes. The door opens and KAREN (middle aged managerial type) comes in, smiling widely carrying a clipboard.

KAREN
So how’s the-- OH MY GOD!

She gasps in horror, raising both hands to her face.

JERRY
Look, this isn’t what it seems--

KAREN
You killed him!

JERRY
He was going to eat me!

KAREN
No he wasn’t!

JERRY
Yes he was! He had this fork and was going all jabby jabby at me!

Karen looks up at Jerry, horrified.

KAREN
That was part of the training simulation. This was a training program to raise pro-activity through fear.

JERRY
It was a simulation?

KAREN
Yes!

Jerry looks down at the corpse then back at Karen. Jerry reaches for the file and grabs it. He starts towards the door.

KAREN (CONT'D)
What are you doing?

JERRY
The Pickling meeting is in ten minutes. Can’t be idle in this business. Proactivity, Karen. Proactivity.

Jerry leaves the room, closing the door behind him.

Karen stares off into space, then smiles. She ticks something off on her clipboard.

FADE OUT.

THE END.