That Was The Last Time

there's no reception in that barn
and that black stove doesn't give off too much warmth
just made me nervous when people would stagger by
kept seeing people getting third degree burns in my mind
we fought for hours before I decided I'd go there
where I refused drinks and wished I'd worn more layers
and hoped that tall guy with the chain would stop looking at me.

my friend who drove was in a tank top with her eyes already red
and we had already been there longer than she said
no signal sign kept blinking on my screen
but I figured you weren't trying to get through anyway
I was surrounded by faces I'd seen in passing
but never heard the voices to match to the person
and all of a sudden I'm making small talk with them
just so that maybe I won't look as stupid as I feel.

the hours that have felt like weeks finally reach 1 am
and I'm more ready to be with you than I've ever been
I check to see if she'll be okay to drive
when she announces we'll be there a little longer, is that okay?
of course I force myself to nod
and then go outside so maybe I can get a bar
I am standing in a foot of snow
but I finally connect to you
I don't remember if I was crying,
but I remember you not helping
my breath looked like thick smoke in front of my face
and my hands were shaking just like my voice
I know that you heard it
and so we both knew I'd be there soon.

I hung up and went back to where it wasn't any warmer than outside
I made up a quick lie of how I could not stay the night
I told her she didn't have to take me to my car,
she could stay and I told her I would find another way
when one of the boys I'd never talked to offered
he said he hadn't started yet
when I tried to subtly check his breath
I felt some emotion other than panic for the first time all night
she hugged me and I told her to call when she wanted to leave.

I finally felt heat when we were in his car
when I put my number in his phone
I told him my name and he laughed, and said I know
I told him that I was going to see you,
I don't really tell anybody about you
but I thought it was funny how our conversation flowed
and that we spoke like we were best friends
even though we've never said a word to each other before
the middle of the night seems to do that to people
people act differently than they do in daylight
like somehow it's not really happening because
the world's asleep, including the sun
especially because I haven't talked to him since
we formed a plan of how he'd call me if she couldn't drive
I got out of his car and got into mine.


the roads were empty, just like they always were
I knew those curves and bumps perfectly from all the nights before
my boots got wet from the ice on the sidewalk
my nose turned red from the freezing winds against my face
green garland wrapped around your silver banister
and wreaths with holly hung from your townhouse windows
as always I tried to open the door as quietly as I could
and as always the knob rattled loudly and the door opened with a crash.

we met in the hallway, and your shirt was yellow
you told me you'd be right back, and I went in your room and sat
where I had the time to notice everything I'd been missing
that things weren't where they used to be
your bed, your tv, chairs, all moved to different walls
those papers scattered across the floor, gone
that glass table, in the middle of the room, without the candle
I tried to concentrate on whatever was on tv
baseball or soccer or something I couldn't focus on
you came in and you sat down,
folded your hands and put your head down
you looked at me with so much question in your eyes
asked something we both knew I couldn't answer
I didn't feel like talking, after all those forced conversations that night
I just took your hands and moved closer.
and for once hoped it would be alright.
and it was. but that was the last time.

and nothing went as smoothly as it used to
you were nervous and it was frustrating
I didn't want you to say anything
but you had an objection to every move I made
part of me wanted to just get up and leave
but a bigger part was hoping you'd just lay down...