Goodbye my love

A letter to my true love.

When I met you, my life was, well, at a standstill. I had accepted that I'd be alone for the rest of my life. Then, one night 14 years ago, while out dancing, I was introduced to you and the missing part of my self that I had searched and searched for and finally given up on finding, fell into place. The empty space in my soul was filled with your light, your smile, and most of all your love.

We married and, though at times it was not easy for either of us, over time our love continued and grew from frenzied passion to comfortable togetherness. We became a loving couple instead of hot lovers.

Every day you told me you loved me, and every day I loved you back. We were supposed to be together forever, but now, suddenly and without warning, you are gone.

At first, it was devastating. I watched you draw your last breath and as I watched the life leave you, I felt you leave me. That presence that had always been with me, since the first time you smiled at me, was gone, leaving in its place, not pain really, no not pain, just a blankness, an emptiness, that has now, after a week, been replaced by a longing, for your smile, your hug, your kisses, your moans and groans as you move because of aches and pains, your snoring, your "all knowing" presence, your unbounded ego. I miss the aggravating way you just knew you were always right. I miss forever watching the Discovery Channel - whether I wanted to or not. I miss watching your face light up when it starts to snow. I miss everything about you.

I can't believe you are gone but you are. Sometimes, almost, I can feel you with me again, but then maybe its just wishful thinking on my part. When the phone rings, I just know it will be you on the other end, calling to tell me you love me. I have trouble reading in bed now becaue I keep expecting you to come, yawning and scratching, down the hall to check on me and tell me I should be asleep.

I am not sure how I will go on, but go on I will because you want me to. We talked about this a lot, you and I, about the big "what if". We often talked about what to do if you had a stroke, or if you were injured or otherwise incapacitated, but I don't truly believe either of us thought it would happen. We often talked about how you would take care of me even when I got old and I wouldn't know who you are, when the time comes that my mind leaves me completely. And I always knew you WOULD take care of me. Only, now you won't be there.

I miss you more than words can express. I loved you with my heart, my mind, my soul and my life, and I will mourn your passing in the same way, with every fiber of my being.

I am a better person for having known you have having had you and your love in my life.
I will love you forever,

© Copyright 2004 The Gypsy Widow