The art of civil discourse

          We need to get a grip. It has somehow become acceptable to disagree with others by shouting in their faces and calling their parentage into question, those being the tamest examples of the hostile behavior all too evident in boardrooms, auditoriums, political rallies, and coffee shops across the country. Our children routinely watch folks throw chairs and use language that has to be censored when a conflict or disagreement turns into mayhem on television "talk" shows.

          Believe it or not, it is possible to disagree in a civil manner, and this is as good a time as any to re-acquaint ourselves with the rules of such discourse:

•        We must each first repeat the mantra "I don't know everything" to ourselves until it becomes re-instilled into our very souls. As P. M. Forni says in Choosing Civility: The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct, "Let's listen to learn rather than react."

•        "Listening" for many of us has come to mean that we are merely waiting for the other person to stop talking so we can talk. We have to be willing to listen to other views and opinions without interrupting, and then acknowledge in some way that we heard what the other person said before we jump in with our view.

•        A simple switch in language from "You……" to "I….." can be the key. If I tell you how I feel instead of attacking how you feel, I am not forcing you to defend yourself. We are merely sharing and we might learn something new from one another.

•        How many times did your mother say "Think before you speak"? It seems that mom was right again. We can build a 2 – 3 second hesitation into our responses that will give us time to squelch the ugly retort that wants to pop out when someone disagrees with us. Old habits are hard to break and that hesitation might give us time to remind ourselves that we're trying to learn, not react.

•        Disagreeing doesn't translate into being "wrong." There are valid opinions on all issues, and the view that we each ultimately decide on is just that: our view, not the view that everyone else must hold in order to be acceptable as people.

•        Ask a question if something isn't clear or doesn't make sense to you. Our frame of reference is different than anyone else's and that framework might be causing misunderstanding.

•        Even though emotions might run high on some issues, our discussions need to be kept to a conversational tone. Humans don't react well to being shouted at, so engaging in that type of behavior never leads to learning. It leads to reactive, defensive response with little or no value from that point on.

          There are effective ways to agreeably disagree, ways that allow each of us to make our positions known without cutting our conversational partner to his or her knees. We can put a few stock phrases in our toolbox, phrases that oil the ebb and flow of dialogue:

•        "I understand what you're saying, but I have a different viewpoint."
•        "That's an interesting take on the issue."
•        "I disagree with your point on [insert issue], as there are times when….."
•        "Yes, but if you take into consideration…."
•        "That view goes against all I believe, and my reasons are…."

          A differing opinion does not reflect on us personally, something we would do well to remember. We can disagree and still remain civil if not friendly. Showing respect for a differing opinion requires a respect for ourselves, but, more importantly, it requires the understanding and acceptance that other people deserve to have a different viewpoint. That sounds simple, but at its foundation, it's very difficult. The fact that our level of discourse has fallen to the depths it has proves how difficult it is.

        Think back to the last "discussion" you had about politics or religion, for example. Were you made to feel crazy or stupid, as if you and your opinion were totally worthless? Or did all participants come away feeling heard and accepted as worthy human beings, even if the opinions expressed were varied?

        It can't be done, you say? Let's demonstrate: I understand why you might feel that way in today's "in your face" method of conversation, but I believe it might be time to re-assess. A political season with highly charged issues like health care, immigration, and a looming recession will provide numerous opportunities to practice. The foundation of a democratic society is us, "we the people," all of whom have opinions and how we proceed in expressing those opinions will determine whether we learn from one another and thus raise each other up or whether we all go down fighting.