Hero Story

There once was a grand kingdom known as Madupica (may-duh-pi-ka). Madupica was a more or less happy place, with various town drunks, village idiots, and only the occasional squirrel spontaneously combusting and hurling itself through somebody's window. However all that was about to change.... In a few paragraphs. For now, everything’s cool. Seriously. Anyways, not very long into Madupica's existence, a village sprang up. Villages sprang up quite often back then, much to the chagrin of local farmers, whose cows were constantly being catapulted into the heavens by the springing villages. After a few villages sprang up, a castle sprang up as well. And let me tell you, the effect on nearby livestock was... less than pleasant.

Moving on, a king soon took Power. Power, however was the daughter of one of the local mayors. As such, this first king was hunted down and killed via a magical shiv carved from the handle of a toothbrush being driven through his spleen. The person who killed him (hereafter referred to as N-chan) was then crowned king. Well, for accuracy's sake, he wasn't really crowned king; he just began living in the castle and started yelling out orders to nonexistent paiges.

[Imp is attacking]
Oh crap, a random encounter. Hold on a second please.
[Magic-Fire]
[RPJesus casts fire I]
[Imp takes 9999 damage (pansy)]
[Imp is defeated]

Unfortunately (albeit predictably) that much psuedopower soon corrupted him, due largely in part to the fact that I've written myself into a corner and need a plot device to advance the story in a (somewhat) realistic fashion. At this point, life in Madupica became horrible. N-chan began heavily taxing everything. This wasn't so bad, since, when people couldn't afford bread, they simply ate cake instead. Soon, though, he started selling cards and began requiring that people used these cards for every action they took including sleeping, breathing, standing up, and buying cards. To enforce this, he used R.A.D.I.O S.T.A.R.s (Really Annoying Devices Intended to Oversee and ensure Stupid Taxes Are Recognized).

This was too much. The people chose a hero. This hero was named Wolfe. The journey was too much for him to undertake alone, however, so the people sent some companions along with him. They were as follows:
Video, an intellectual ninja.
Bob, an explosives expert.
And Chubbles, my cat. Who can talk. Seriously.
Moving on, they marched for 3 days and 8 nights. But, they didn't use a "March for 3 days and 8 nights" card, a "form a party" card, a "defy the laws of physics" card, or, indeed, any cards at all. Thus, they were assaulted by a R.A.D.I.O. S.T.A.R. Luckily, Video killed the R.A.D.I.O S.T.A.R., and they continued marching.

The group soon came to the most dangerous obstacle in their path; the Seven Seas of Rye. They camped for the night… and the morning… and the afternoon… and most of the day. They didn’t really have much initiative. Anyways, they soon broke camp and set out into the first sea. In the first sea, they were attacked by a one armed man. He burst from the water in all his majesty and was promptly shot in the head by a bolt from Chubbles’s crossbow. The second sea proved more of a challenge. Upon entering they were immediately killed by some unseen force. Thankfully the unseen force was nonexistent so that didn’t actually happen (suck it, Tim O’Brien).In the third sea they crossed with no real difficulty (What? They can’t all have something. Do you have any idea what these things cost in maintenance alone? Not to mention heating bills and property taxes.).

In the fourth sea, they were boarded by pirates (Boarded in the sense that they were bashed in the head by boards). And not just any pirates. Air pirates. Which were in a water based environment. For some unknown reason. Shut up, it’s my story. Soon after their capture, the air pirate's captain fell in love with Video. They spent a lot of time together and performed various romantic acts including flowers and chocolates, in addition to various lewd acts that get one arrested for simply acknowledging their existence. Sadly though, Sensor, the ancient god of mediocrity came on his A legs to remove Video and the pirate captain (Who will never receive a name. Make your own if it's that important.) from the game. Lo and it was a mighty battle, what with Sensor being well over 15 feet tall and the air pirates being able to fly. After 3.14 days of various degrees of graphic violence and/or nudity (It was Mardi Gras, after all) the air pirates managed to defeat Sensor, but not before their captain was killed in a heavily clichéd manner. Video grieved for 1.800 days. The air pirates then apologized for bashing his head in with a board and making suggestive claims involving his mother and swore their loyalty to him. And thus, Video gained a loyal army of air pirates who will never be seen again until the resolution of the story.

In the fifth sea they got into an encounter with a miniboss. What follows is my records of the fight.

[Cyberstar is attacking]
[Wolfe attacks]
[Cyberstar takes 32 damage]
[Cyberstar begins dancing]
[Video casts Haste III]
[Chubbles casts Bio C]
[No effect]
[Bob dismantles and reassembles a bomb]
[Wolfe attacks]
[Cyberstar takes 654 damage]
[Video casts Bolt II]
[Cyberstar takes 324 damage]
[Cyberstar becomes bored]
[Cyberstar wanders off]
[You win!...?]
[576 exp]
[400 gold]
[5 happy points]
[6 friendship points]
[18 mystery novel points]
[22 pointless points]
[46 getting old points]

After this random encounter, they tried to set up camp again. They failed, however, since camp was still broken from when they broke camp before. Thusly (and thisly), they advanced to the sixth sea, nicknamed the sea of 1337. 7|-|3y (T)@rch3d 0n f0r s3v3r4l m0r3 d4yx0r2 b4 c0//1||g t0 73|-| 53/3nt(-) 53a.

The seventh sea was horribly murky, but at least you can understand what I'm writing in this one. The party had several more romantic exploits most of which didn't go very far and won't be mentioned here, mainly because the aforementioned murk made it impossible to distinguish who was doing what with who. Exiting the seventh sea feeling strange and sore, they were still unable to fix camp so they made it again.

Soon, our heroes came upon N-chan's lair. Or so they thought. It turned out that their princess was in another castle and they left feeling empty and disgruntled. Except for Video, who picked up a very nice commemorative toaster in the gift shop. They split up and began searching for clues as to the location of N-chan's castle. After a few days, Wolfe found a path leading to it, clued in by a flashing neon sign saying "N-chan's hidden castle -> (no rag-tag groups of adventurers with unclear goals and good hearts.)"

They soon came to N-chan's castle, and entered with a climactic burst of lightning in the background. Upon entering, they were beset upon by thousands of R.A.D.I.O. S.T.A.R.s, which Video easily killed with awesomeness alone. They then entered N-chan’s main court where they were attacked by his minions. Bob used spontaneously combusting dynamite to turn them all into flaming idiots. This, sadly, led to Bob's untimely demise (untimely in the sense that it was much later than it should have been, given his fascination with explosives). They then advanced to N-chan's bedroom. Upon arriving, the following conversation took place:
N-chan: What are you doing?
Wolfe: I'm not sure.
Chubbles: Did we ever really find out what we were supposed to do? (Told you he could talk.)

Midway through this cutscene, they were attacked by flaming idiots. Well, they didn't really attack; they just kinda ran screaming into N-chan’s bedroom and began flailing around. You'd think they were being fried from the inside out by third degree burns or something. Pansies. Anyhoo, they were quickly dispatched and the conversation continued.

Video: I say we kill him.
Chubbles: I agree.
Bob: Me too.
Chubbles: Video, put down Bob's corpse.

Eventually Wolfe killed N-chan and became a hero. The people built an even larger castle for him and he married Power and he held Power until he died. He was also actually crowned king and his bloodline has been royalty ever since. Chubbles went back to being a non-talking cat and living with me. Bob continued being dead. And Video turned his army of air pirates into an army of singing air pirates, and they flew off into the night singing ditties and shanties and god knows what else. And that's why robots can never love.

This chronicle has been penned by the famous bard, RPJesus. "Only real bards wear pink." It should also be noted that I was technically in this adventure as well, but being the spoony bard that I am, I only took notes.