Kiira's Journal 1

I didn't mean people to find out. I really didn't, this isn't how I wanted it to be. But, at the same time, this is how I want it to be. Because he wouldn't know how I felt...he wouldn't unless I'd told him like this.
We spent time together today, me and Hayo, and every time I looked at him I got this sort of heat, a feeling in my chest, in my heart. Sometimes it was so strong I had to look away. He makes me feel safe, makes me feel secure. For hours, he just held me in his arms as we lay in my bed just...talking and singing to each other. I've never sang for anyone before this. Maybe to the tiling in the bathroom, but I don't think that counts, exactly.
Back to the singing. I like to listen to him sing but, I dunno, sometimes I feel like I have to sing. Just a song rushes into my mind and brushes past my lips before I can do anything about it, really. Before I can think about it, he's smiling and chances are good I'm blushing. We can sit for hours together just being together. And he has no idea exactly how happy it makes me...
Maybe someday we can be together like I want, like I dream. Sometimes I think he can read my mind and it makes me embarrassed. God knows what he'd see besides wondering where my matching socks are and the like. He'd probably laugh at me, like he always does when he catches me off-guard, and ruffle my hair again. Then again, I'd be flattered, too, if I met someone whose every other thought was about me. I'd think it was sweet and all that.
He kisses me sometimes. My cheek, my hair, my nose...me. Likes to make me blush so he delights in doing things like poking my face and then laughing when I turn red and stutter. Then when I get indignant he laughs more and kisses my face where he poked it. I pretend it bothers me but we both know I love it. I'm not a good liar, or pretender, so I get caught in the end like a bad thief in a crowded market.
Anyways, today's the day everyone found about me, that "gay" wasn't just another way of saying Kiira's real happy today. He came to stay the night at the house with me today and we went right to my room. I was tired, he was tired, it made sense. Changed for the night, climbed into bed. I thought he'd stay there and I'd stay where I was but he moved over close to me. I swear, my heart skipped a beat, exactly like a romance novel. I felt his arm around me, pulling me close and I didn't want to move, didn't want to breathe, afraid he'd let go of me. But he didn't. We just lay there for a time, content in each other's company. I could feel he was happy, see his smile. I was smiling, too.
I forgot to lock the door, I never forget to lock my door...this is a mark of how much he fills my head, makes me forget everything. Choi came in...Choi, my brother. He saw me, and then he saw him, and the look he gave me, it shattered me. Choi, my brother, my triplet, was glaring at me with pure, black hatred burning in his eyes. I don't even remember what was said, but we ended up in the hall, arguing and shouting. I remember Choi going to his room and then Hayo came out and took me back to mine.
Sat with me while I cried, I felt bad, I hate being upset in front of people. Actually, I hate being upset. But he didn't seem to care too much. Held me close, told me it would be okay, sang to me, again. Kissed my cheek, promised me a better time to come. I remember my arms around him and I remember crying. Its a blur now, one big blur of high emotions, tears and embraces. But he was so kind, he didn't leave me or tell me to get over myself. He waited until I was calm before pulling me down onto the bed and pulling me into his arms, pulling my head against his shoulder and telling me it was okay. And I believed him. I still do.