alibi of myself

The sun is setting. Far to the east, threatening black clouds arise from the fumes of my misfortune.  The streets are pock marked and dented with the recent shower of my tears. My anger which roars from my heart has made the temperature of day much hotter than it really is! Curses and innocent thoughts float aimlessly on the surface of my inhospitable body of black blood. Corpses of dead thoughts and dreams are bobbed all over the body, just under my skin. The forthcoming darkness in my life is extending its corrupt and revolting anger to all my thoughts which are now choking and engulfing me, destroying my future, and leaving just another empty shell behind, devoid of any life.

There are large ancient trees hiding most of the sky, letting only little specks of dim light shine through the seemingly impenetrable wall of leaves and needles. The ground consists of a tangle of wild bushes, grasses and merles, with the occasional group of mushrooms hiding beneath the thicket. The air is heavy with the scent of pine needles and rooting leaves, the forests scent is so strong that I can taste it. Silently, a nearby Creek babbles to itself, as it runs down the hill into a small lake. The lake shines blindingly under the full moon, glittering as though there were precious stones beneath its clear crystal water. I can see an owl staring at me. A cuckoo repeating it like a broken cuckoo clock sounds nearby, songbirds sing out their souls, while the squirrels fly along the branches and are heard as they rustle through the leaves but unseen because of darkness.

An evil force in the gray shadow is tearing me down. I don’t know where I am going, but I don’t care. The breeze is flooding through my hair. I can almost feel someone’s presence, but there is no one. The trees are shaking in the wind. I can’t help but to stare in awe as the violent breeze spins the leaves around. They are dancing; I’d give anything to see them dance again.
I keep telling myself that I’m okay, but all of those feelings come back in waves. My nutshell mind is not at rest. My mind is rushing everywhere, my feelings are scattered on the ground. I’m not walking on the road anymore; I’m in a vehicle of my own thoughts. I am mimicking my own shadow as I dance in despair across the pavement. It’s not windy; it’s drizzling now. I can hear the droplets, as it just hits the ground, everything seems so clear. The world is smiling and I’m crying.

All in an instance, I am brought back to reality. The buzz of the world screaming past me causes me to wake up from my dreamy world. I’m cold, I’m shaking, and I’m alone. I search the area for something; I’m not quite sure what though. I realize that I don’t know where I am. I don’t even remember walking this far from the city to the outskirts of the town.
Now, I can barely hear the trees singing as the wind ruffles through them now. Suddenly I know where I am again. I can see the old trail just peeking through the weeds. I run to it, I know that I’ll be to the same graveyard where my wife rests in peace. I keep walking.

In the midst of all this, I felt something in my pocket. All dusty and rusty, I took it out and tossed it aside. Lost from move to move, I picked it up and brushed it off, then sat and thought awhile.


















                                       -----------------------------------------------------

“Dear Sugar-pie,

For some reason, I find it difficult to express my love in words. I love you so much that words are not enough to describe my love for you. I first want to thank you for the last 1 year. I know from the bottom of my heart you truly have lived up to your vows. We vowed “in illness and in health”. We certainly have seen our share of both of these conditions, our belief in God has surely been tested. We vowed “for richer or poorer” well that experience has certainly been ours too. Now, did we realize what that truly meant when we made those vows? Did we understand the multiple meaning at the time when we made them? There were times of poorer yet sometimes they were our richest times. How does one not appreciate the strengths and wonders discovered during what was seemingly the worst times of our lives in this year. How many of our vows have overlapped. We had sickness with poorer and richness with sickness; health with wealth and poverty with health. But we were and are still on the top of this world.

Our love is as pure as the sun shine. I know that we fought many times but I really love you and I know that you too love me. I love every part of yours.
I even love your nose which is so small and charming, so perfect in shape. I trace the arms of it with the tips of my fingers. You smile from the ticklish sensation. I kiss you to soothe and calm you.
I even love your ears which are so sweet, with their winding ridges, going up and down, in and out, like the ripples of the sand dunes of the Sahara desert. I want to lose myself in those ripples, with my lips and my kisses!
Your eyes are so black. If they were stars, they would definitely radiate black light.... black light removing all images around me, erasing the features of worldly things and leaving only vision of you.
When I first met you, the ground became unsafe, unsteady, no longer terra firma.
My feet moved involuntarily, trying to steady my lack of balance. I felt in love at that very moment. I felt my world go out of focus. And me falling into the abyss of abandonment...  giving up myself...  for love...  of you!
Forever you and I together, left to create. Even after completion of our first anniversary I can’t conjure a thought in front of you, especially when you are angry. Today also, I can never understand your temper but you are my love, always you have been with me, forever the memories of our past, to which I
hope there are rest to make.

Please tell all my faults at that very time and spot. I promise to correct them all. Don’t mind if I am critical sometimes. I will only be critical when you are wrong on your part.
Muahhhh..........  I  know  my  sugar  pie  can  never  be  wrong!!! If I have a bad day, I hope you would shower me all happiness. I hope that I am not asking you too much but I think I have the right to ask you even more. You have really made my life brilliant!
Baby, I love you!!! Muahhh

Your loving wife


                                       -----------------------------------------------

Tears roll down my cheeks as I read this letter. This is the first letter which she had ever written to me. It was our first anniversary. I still remember that she was wearing a black jeans and a white top, the one she bought on her birthday. I can still remember her hot chilly face when she came to know that I didn’t remember the anniversary. I guess that she was bit of over-reacting as always. She had come to home a bit late from usual from her office. She talked to me for a long time, telling me about her office people and how the secretary of her boss troubled her. I too heard it with all my interest. She waited for me to wish her the occasion but I dumb head forgot the occasion. Then she finally asked me if it was something special that day. I said no without realizing the anger on her face. She suddenly got up and ran to the bathroom throwing a letter on a baby pink pad on the settee beside the table. I hastily read the letter. The letter in sparking red ink echoed HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to me. I went to the bathroom where she was sobbing like a little girl and widened my lips till the last possibility. I asked her sorry five times and after much trying, I was able to convince her.

But now she rests in her grave stoically silent. I find rest nowhere. I can feel her love everywhere. She moves like the breeze beside me. She is with me. I miss her gentle touch, which I can sense across the miles and each heart-warning embrace sending me into my world of my own. My love for her is immense. There was no beginning and no end to my love.  Our love was as pure as her smile and was as true as her eyes.

I have tried to forget her or at least resist thinking about her but all is vain. I’m awake but my world is half asleep. I walk on this lonely road. It starts nowhere and ends nowhere. I miss her everywhere I go. I am left alone. It’s only my shadow that walks beside me.
I see her face in the air, water, everywhere. I wish she finds me here on this lonely road with thousands of thought in this puzzled mind, I walk all secluded to nowhere. Everything is silent; it is only my shallow hearts that's beating.

There was something about her that kept me moving. I don’t know what was it but that made me feel like that I wish my heart could rest in peace like hers, but I walk alone. Pain and agony are all around me.I feel as if everyone is mocking me in this lonely world.
I really can’t live my life this way. I want salvation to my life. All days are empty without her, the dark nights seems to be longer and the bright days to be shorter. My dreams are now old. There is no road ahead of me! Lord knows the way I feel, as every moment in her name, I begin, so that I can have some shining epitome beside me.

Love can touch only one time and last for a lifetime and never go till the destiny knocks you off. Love is like the pain in the heart. Love is the only shining paragon in the hours of darkness. Love whispers the words of wisdom. Love can not be described in words. People always search for true love whole their lives but they never find one. Love is not some kind of pearl that can be found in ocean; neither is it some kind of diamond that can be found in caves. Love can’t be found, it just happens. Yes, sometimes people find these pearls or diamonds but all they do is to settle for less and start finding the immense happiness in the least. True love is a kind of sweet dream that is made up of passion, emotions and experiences.  There is no way to get exhausted of true love. You just need it more and more. Love changes a person completely. We start asking for forgiveness for mistakes we never did. We become devoted to one single person. We feel sorry for every right action that is recognized as wrong. We lose the best of us and start gaining something better than the best we possessed. If by chance we lose this love then we are sorry for our whole lives. Our hands start trembling and there is a blood rush whenever our loved one is around us. We try to live every moment of all early and late times. No mistakes are forgiven; they are just ignored leaving the broken hearts. We promise the best of us and we live million lives in this one short life. Falling in loves is like touching the moonlight. Our heart becomes a shooting star, with lots of wishes and desires in it. We think that our prayers have been answered and all our hopes for future are restored.  We start finding sense in all non-sense. Even pulling cheeks also becomes a thrill.

Love is not by stars. It's all a miracle which is inevitable.  Love is not fashion. Love remains the same all your life. The soul changes but love remains the same like the northern star. There is all pain and grief in love but there is no shame. One simply can't help himself/herself in love. There is plenty of complaining and doubts but no mistrusts. To really fall into love is to really understand love. You got to see the core and deep inside of everything that exists. Love can never be taught.  Love takes your heart away, giving you a new heart to care for.  You have to give everything and little bit more than expected. I wish that I could have my love to warm my soul in this cold world. I know there's so much life left for me but I feel life is not worth leaving. The fire to scot-free from this secluded world still burns high in my heart. When I watch myself in mirror, I find myself like the empty air filling the jars. I stand freely on this solid ground baselessly as I have nothing to lose. I have surrendered my life. There are still thousands destinations to reach and million targets to be achieved but I can't survive another single second away her. I can't live this truth.  I regard this world to be an illusion. It is the best time to get rid of this void life. Time is passing by and the fire in me is shaping into an inferno. I know it would devastate me but I am ready to be devastated. I  have  swallowed  all  my  feelings  and  there  is  nothing  left  except a zephyr of depression and loneliness.

She jumped from the cliff in front of me and I could not save her. I cried only a bit when I realized that she was dead. I waited for a miracle to happen but nothing happened. I thought that she would get up another second and would hug me hard as she did when I used to get angry on her. I waited for her through all the darkness and the good times but she never cared to respond. I know that I was touched by an angel of hatred and despair.

I often think, I’d give anything to feel like that again but I know I can’t. A part of me knows that I’ll never feel quite the same as I did then. See, a part of me is gone. I can’t feel whole when such a huge part is missing. I know that I’ll never replace her that would be the worst thing that I could do. She still means so much to me.

The old dirt road twists and turns, much like my life. The moonlight crashes through the barren trees. It creates a beautiful work of art. I smile, I feel as if she’s here. She’s the moonlight, she’s the path, she’s the wind guiding me, she’s everything, but she’s not with me. I hate myself for that reason. I am the sole reminder that she died. I can’t look at myself; I’m a disgrace. What kind of husband am I? I lived and let her die. She died; I couldn’t save her. I’m an ogre.
       
A cloud covers the moon, its dark. I’m lost in darkness. My legs are hurting, like they did in the jail. I wish the pain would go away. I sit down, and listen to the song of the fall. I lie back, and gaze into the darkness. What you see can always be deceiving? In the distance, I can hear water. It’s a secret, the soft trickle of heaven falling down. Alone, covered in darkness, listening to the melody of myself, I feel free. Now, I know that I’m alone. I smile and mean it.
       
The leaves whisper the truths that I never spoke. They know my thoughts, but the quiet peaceful feeling of the woods is broken. I can hear the sirens, the unpleasant whirl of pain rushing towards me. The lights                                                                  flash like lighting. I can’t escape the noise. I want to just close my eyes and hope to wake up. The roar of the siren assures me that I’m already awake and living in this nightmare.
       
I don’t know what time it is, but I know that there is no one waiting for me as everyone left me alone. I look at my feet as I kick the dirt. It flies into the air in its fatal attempt to fly, and then rushes back down. All in a second, I have disturbed earth.
       
What seems like an eternity of walking has ended. I can see a house. I’m standing on the end of the path. I can remember standing here years ago, but everything was different then. I could look to my left or even my right and see him standing, smiling. I turn my head, and see that I am alone. The crisp fall air brushes against my neck, and I almost try to tell myself that it was her. I know though, she’s dead.







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It is a mistake to waste a large portion of our lives seeking a state of happiness. There are so many other important issues in our life than a futile search for something we can never have.
I am .......can be.......a very serious person at times. It is all because of what I have been through and because my mind’s chemistry which never works correctly as my mood swings very drastically. I have tried sharing things but all was in vain. I grow irritated and angry. I know that many can not or will not deal with this side of me, so when the pendulum swings too for, I crawl into my shell and wait till my anger rules out. There have been times when I have been asked not to do this but to share instead. I have tried to lean on my closest friend but have not found anyone strong enough to withstand the pain that comes with the down swing. There is no Angel of God that can peach on my shoulder to coerce me.

I can see a shooting star in the sky. There is something inhospitable as it only brings tear in my eyes but I still close my eyes and wish if everything could be on its path. I don't know why I am feeling if my prayer to God is some kind of venous swinging through my veins, burning every part of me and eating at my heart. My heart screams out that this can not be real but I feel it in the air.  I can hear the doubtful words in this silent place; I can see those empty eyes and feel the warmth of those tainted kisses.  My heart has broken. It is shattered into small pieces and floated away in the teary rills. I wish that there could be some super glue that could fix it.

Silence fills the populated environments with my thoughts.  Abandoned,  I  sit  alone  with  all  my  memories  recalling past. I need all my happiness back. I need her arms wrapped around me, holding me safe from the world that surrounds me. I need her breath on my face, like a cool winter’s breeze, her hands on my skin. I need everything back. I don't want to be caught in the stillness of life, but I really can't help myself. I don't want to be the fish who floats in the pond, caught on a hot day to float to the top and die while life goes on around me and I am helpless. I don’t want to be the one who doesn't get wet in the rain, who forgets to smell the roses or who is protected by every evil. I want to be normal as I used to be.




MY SWEETEST SIN;


I was standing by the building in the back, smiling. She was late. When she saw me, she ran towards me. I lifted her up and spun her around. I looked into her blue eyes. Although she was in the air but I felt like I was flying through the sky. She was the light fluffy clouds that I glided through. She was everything to me that moment.

“Are you ready to go?” I asked as I placed her back down.
         
“Yes, I’m quite ready.” she giggled and started to skip away.

“Oh, is that so!” I ran after her to take her hand.

We headed towards the beach. The beach was a few blocks away. I loved walking on the sand. For as long as I can remember, she and I have always walked there even since we had met.

“So, are you going to go all the way in the water with me?” my voice broke the silence.
         
“I plan to, but you have to check whether the water is cold.”

“I’ll check.”

“Thank you.”

I wrapped our fingers together.

I looked towards the sky. I could feel the tears of happiness from heaven falling towards us,
         
“It’s starting to rain.”

“I don’t mind.”

“Then neither do I.” We both looked at each other. There were raindrops clinging to her eyelashes. Her eyes were brilliant. They sparkled with a light that I had never seen. She beamed my life.

“The air smells so sweet, don’t you think?” I asked.

“I’ve always liked the smell when it rains.” She laughed.

“You promise that you’re going to go in?”

“Ya may be. I want to go in the middle of the sea where you and I can be alone and we can say that we got wet from the rain at our homes.”

“That’s a great idea!”

She always had great ideas. She was very intelligent. I loved just to listen to her talk. She was a genius to me. She always had an opinion and a view about something. She wasn’t afraid to voice them either, there’s where my fault lies.
       
We were walking together, hand in hand.
“There doesn’t seem to be any fishes here. Come ‘on in.” I took off my shirt. The water was lukewarm. I felt it cover me. Nature, in its beauty was cleansing me.
         
“It’s a little chilly.”

“It’s just fine, silly.” I smiled and reached out for her hands. Pulling her towards me, I felt like I was flying again. My body moved quietly with the water. I could feel my feet being lifted away from the stones. The rain was bathing us in truth, and love.
I wrapped my arms around her neck. She was holding me.

Suddenly, I was sinking. We were falling under the water, but I didn’t care. She was scared but she did not utter a word as she knew that she was save as long as she was with me. My eyes stayed open while she closed her eyes. Once we were both covered, my lips moved towards her. Our first kiss, lost in the deepness of the ocean. She was my light. My lips were guided towards her. Now, I didn’t feel like keeping this a secret. I wanted to tell the whole world that I was once in love.

Our bodies broke through the clear glassy blanket, showing our beauty. I clung to her, I swore to myself at that moment that I wouldn’t let her go. Already, I was trying to picture the rest of my life with her. The funniest thing was that, it didn’t seem weird.


“Sorry,” My voice pulled her away from my silly fantasies and back into reality.
       
“Why?” She didn’t understand why I was apologizing. There wasn’t a reason.
       
“We’re not moving too fast, are we?”

“It’s okay.” She kissed my cheek. I returned the favor with a smile.
       
“We should leave this place right now. It’s already late now.”
       
“She might…” I let her go. I fell back into the cool embrace of the water. For only a second, I felt like I was drowning without her.
       
“Are you coming?” I reached out her hand once his feet were on the bank. She left the water, knowing that she felt complete.

I put my shirt back on and place my socks into my pockets. She slipped her sandals on which she had taken out before joining me in the sea. We started walking home. I held her hand again.
       
“So, are you going back home?”I asked.

“Do you want to come back home with me? She asked me as everyone at her house was going out.
       
“Okay, we could watch a movie.”
       
“What movie?” She missed a step and almost tripped over a track.
       
“Are you okay?”I released her hand. My arms danced their way around her. Now, my fingers rested upon her waist.                                                                                                                                                     
         
“This isn’t bothering you, is it?”

“I’m fine.” She said.

“Good then,” I laughed playfully.
         
“You want it to bother me?”
         
“Ha! No, it’s good that you’re fine. It’s good for me.”

We sent each other a smile, and in that smile, we hid our emotions. We loved to listen to each other. I admired her in so many ways.
We were walking slower. She rested her head on my shoulder. I gently kissed her forehead once again.
       
“Let’s run away.” Now, we had stopped completely. I moved my hands; they were now on her face. Our eyes met. I confessed my love as I always did on romantic moments.
   
She placed her hands so that they were overlapping mine. I pulled her close to me. Our lips met once again. I longed for that soft embrace. Our lips caressed each other and becoming one. They told our true feelings, without speaking a word. Our lips were sealed.
       
“I think you should brush your teeth more often.” I joked. But she took my hand again.
I giggled.
       
Soon we reached her house.
She took the spare key from her pocket and unlocked the door.
The house was quiet, peaceful. We were all alone. I felt beautiful when I was with her.
       
“Uh, we’re still wet.” She said.
       
“Ha, you’re right.” I looked down at myself, I was soaking.

“Well, you can change, or I could give you a towel and some dry clothes,” she said.

We walked down the hall and into her room. I grabbed an extra large towel. She went into her parent’s room to change into her dry clothes. I followed her back.

“What do you need?” She asked.
       
“I need you…” And she shut the door with a naughty smile on her face. I felt like screaming in excitement. I walked back to the other room. I threw the wet clothes on the bed. I was in that extra large towel that time. I rested upon the bed in fatigue. She slowly came from back and hugged me hard. Her body pressed against mine, I felt her warmth. I felt my love.
 
“I never want to lose you.” I whispered. In return her kisses travelled all over my body. Her kisses lingered on my cheeks and my neck. I felt as if I was dreaming. If I was dreaming now, I never wanted to wake up.

“You won’t lose me!” She murmured.

I knew what to say that time, but I didn’t know how to say it. I desperately wanted to say, ‘I love you’, as she said,

“You’ll never lose me because I’ve had you all along. You’ve always been a part of me.”

However, I couldn’t. Those words, couldn’t escape from my lips.
Her hands moved like the stars dancing in the night sky. I felt them caress my cheek, and then all over my clothes.

Then she placed her hands under my long sleeved shirt and slowly ran her hands from my chest to my abdomen, then to my belt and to the button of my pants, undoing the last two with the elegance of the most experienced lover.

I watched her eyes bathe me in love. They twinkled and shone. We were the stars for that instant. All of earth, all of heaven, watched us. We were beautiful, we glowed. I was lost in her embrace; I was invisible to the world.
We were both silent, no words could express our thoughts.

We stayed there for what seemed hours, just holding one another. I felt like we were the only two humans in the world. We were isolated and no one could harm us.
         
“What time is it?” I leaned away from her and I stood up.
         
“It’s almost evening?”
         
“Do you think I should be going?” I reached  out for my hand.

She silenced me with a kiss. Each new kiss burned a new memory into my mind. Those memories would never fade. We didn’t speak, we barely even breathed. Our eyes spoke more than we could in a million years. Our kisses were long, passionate. I could feel her heart beating, and I could feel her breath again and again. The sweet aroma that lingered on her skin filled my mind. I felt the closest to her that I had ever been.

The best thing about touching is being touched. Just like she was touching me at that moment and every other moment I spent with her. Touching and feeling her smooth skin was similar to the delicate petals of a rose. Only one thing is certain that the most tortuous thing about touching was the moment after I had touched her. That painful moment where I couldn’t feel her warmth and my hands turned cold with misery and desire. The worst thing is that later on, you realize that the bliss is gone and yearning is all that’s left. All you can do is to help yourself survive second after second and recall the velvety memory of her juvenile skin stinging your hands until you can get another touch on one such lucky day.

  I’d always remember her and me this way. Her arms were draped over me, and she rested her head on my shoulders. We laid there, thinking. I had no idea what was running through our minds. I kept telling myself that she was thinking about me.

Yet there were times where I still got butterflies just by looking at her. After that whenever we sat on the couch we slowly moved towards each other like two teenagers about to lose their virginity and do this sweetest sin.




                                                 ----------------------------------




I was born and raised in a hill station. Its boundaries are defined by countless miles of hilly slopes and within these boundaries; there were crowded streets arranged perfectly parallel and perpendicular to one another, forming a lattice or, perhaps, a web. These same streets are named after trees and famous personalities; on these self-named streets there exist in number as many churches as taverns. My town is famous for its textile products and hence has a busy trade all round the year. Overseeing all these busy things and busy people is the City’s tallest manmade structure: a two-hundred foot tall water tower with the name of the City proudly painted on its side.

On the left lane to this structure my childhood home was located. It was of meager proportions, meager design, and meager monetary worth, but it was my home. The house was in want of a many repairs: ceiling tiles continually fell upon our heads while we dined and slept; the floor was a combination of laminated wood and badge carpet( though not by design); the paint on the exterior served to color the ground more than the walls, as all but a few scraps had peeled and fallen around the foundation; the chimney was in such a rundown condition that it sent me into tears every Christmas – for I couldn’t imagine how Santa could find his way in through that heap of rubble. But, it was my sweet home.

Within the walls of that tiny, dilapidated house, I lived alone with my parents and my sister. I was truly fortunate to have three people who cared for me above anything else in the world and showered me with unconditional support and affection.

I was somewhat of a unique child with respect to my hobbies and interests. At a very young age I became enamored with the states in my country. I poured through encyclopedias, studying their pictures, their relative position to each other, their primary economic trade, and the ambiguous colors assigned to them by the makers of those encyclopedias.

I took to replicating those charts and figures on thick construction paper. Using all the colors of crayons I possessed, I produced a map of the twenty eight states, to scale, in their appropriate colors (as assigned by the makers of those encyclopedias), and incorporated tiny symbols to represent the primary trade goods of each. I did this not once, but dozens of times – each one becoming more refined and containing greater detail and accuracy, and each one replacing its predecessor on the plank of my cupboard.

I also became fond of dinosaurs and rocks after I watched movies like Jurassic park. Later I became an avid rock hound who walked with his head down every where he went, scouring the ground for hidden treasures. When we walked through our neighborhood, my mother had to continually keep a hand on me, lest I should walk directly into a tree. Any time I visited a park or nature setting, I would drag my unfortunate father off into some remote gravel pit in search of some stones.

As my earliest years passed, my interests expanded, and I began to seek my eventual career path. Whereas most children of half-dozen years aspired to grow up to be a doctor, an engineer, a businessman, or, if they were so inclined, a sportsperson or a lawyer, my aspirations fell into somewhat more obscure occupation genres. Specifically, there were two positions that I hoped, with enough schooling and training, I could someday attain.

Only after long consideration did I realize my destiny. When I grew up, I wanted to be a boy scout. It was so clear now! Boy scouts were well known to create fires (and often by simply rubbing two sticks together) and could do so whenever, and wherever, they chose. I wasn’t sure about the pecuniary compensation tied to such a profession, but it had to be enough for survival.
I had another great aspiration that I dreamt of on many a lazy summer afternoon. My town was situated at the junction of two rivers. As I have already alluded, my town was not a large one, and it only had two bridges for vehicles to pass – one over each river. There was also one other bridge that I learned was for trains, which crossed the larger of the two rivers.

The train bridge was a dilapidated mountain of rusted iron with giant, withered girders and cross-beams that spanned high above the tracks. The most intriguing component of the bridge for my young eyes and mind was that a large segment in the middle of the bridge rested at least two stories higher than either side that connected with the land. It looked as though someone had perfectly cut out the middle segment of the bridge – tracks and all – and hoisted it upward.

Of course, a train attempting to cross the bridge in this position would plummet directly to the water when it reached the middle section. My father explained to me that the bridge remained in this position so that boats and barges could pass beneath it until a train came along, and then an enormous set of gears and pulleys would lower the tracks. I found the prospect of seeing these great gears in motion to be a very fascinating one.

I passed by that particular bridge several times, and may be almost every day in my early childhood. As I would cross the other bridge on that river, I would eagerly look in its direction, hoping to see it in motion, or at least lowered in preparation for a train. Regrettably, each time I saw the train bridge, it was in its upright and impassable position, bereft of any trains. Year after disappointing year, I looked to the bridge each day, never with dwindling interest, but instead with increasing curiosity – I began to consider that the bridge had in fact never moved, but instead was designed as a means of disposing of old trains into the river.

It was from this unfulfilled desire that my other chosen career was born. I realized that as a bridge builder, I could design and produce as many train bridges as I saw fit, and at my behest they would be raised and lowered any time, day or night. There would be no more disappointing trips by it; no need to merely dream of those heavy, powerful gears churning and grinding and raising and lowering the midsection of the bridge – as the authoritative maker of such venerable structures, I would bring my friends with me as I ventured to the very middle and then ordered it up and down for hours at a time with all of us along for the ride!

Not surprisingly, as the years passed, and as common sense found its way into my repertoire of attributes, I veered from these early career choices.  So finally after a new fascination from my mother’s kitchen, I turned out to be chef from a private college.














I can see a blinding light in the midnight which signifies my nothing to me. The drizzle has washed away my tears and drowned my fear of death. Now, I may be the strongest person as I have nothing to lose.