Anatomy of a Cheater….part I

OK, fellas! Don’t change the channel yet. This is not one of those “male-bashing” articles that will encourage your woman to scrutinize various types of minutiae to determine what they have already known about you since the relationship began. No, no. I think you’ll be safe with this one. You don’t have to worry that she’ll be following you around the house with eyes burning the back of your head and a checklist of items from a magazine. Instead of a checklist for her use, I’d like to explore this concept of “cheating” with you and encourage you to evaluate yourself and certain aspects of your own behavior. You might also find that this series of articles will be helpful for you in talking with your spouse, fiancé’, or girlfriend about things that you think are “crossing the line” actions, but you don’t exactly know how to bring it up.

Defining the word “Cheater”

The interesting thing is that when it comes to defining a “cheater”, we’re talking about looking at behaviors on either partner’s part which have to be subjected to scrutiny. These behaviors must be understood in terms of how they are perceived, and what meanings are attached to them by our partners. For the most part, when two people commit to a relationship there is usually the expectation that certain behaviors and attentions will become exclusive. This means that certain special things are to be shared between the two of them alone. The word “cheater” is levied when someone disappoints those expectations for exclusivity. In other words, what things would I have to be doing in order for my wife, girlfriend or fiancé’ to call me a “cheater”? The first step, then, is to understand that the things that you do, your words, gestures, mannerisms, or even your time given to someone of the opposite sex can be evaluated and interpreted in ways that may not be intentional.
I used the phrase “may not be intentional” purposefully here. Despite the portrayal of men as highly insensitive to the feelings and/or needs of the feminine psyche regarding relationship boundaries, I do not believe that men are the sole perpetrators of behavior that exceeds acceptable boundaries. What I do believe is that certain learned behaviors have become comfortable through years of being single while relating casually with others. One’s decision to commit to a marriage does not automatically register and turn off all behaviors that could be potentially threatening or uncomfortable for his partner. However, there are some things that might be considered “basic” in terms of providing healthy boundaries for those outside of your relationship so that your partner never has the need to feel insecure. In this series of articles we’ll be exploring some of these “basic” behaviors. I hope that you will take advantage of this opportunity to discuss these with your spouse or fiancé’ in ways that will lead toward greater intimacy in your relationship.

What do They Think?

Recent polls at MSN.com* asked more than 35,000 respondents to respond to a list of behaviors that seemed to run afoul of safety. They were asked to state whether the particular behavior would bother them if exhibited by their spouse or partner, wouldn’t bother them at all, or would bother them a little even if they wouldn’t want to bring it up. Let’s look at a few of the poll results.

Question 1: My partner flirts with everyone: the waiter, stewardess, hostess, handyman, etc.

Yes, that would bother me                    62%          
No, that wouldn't bother me                    11%
A little, but I wouldn't protest                    27%

Question 2: My partner constantly comments on the attractiveness of celebrities, people on the street, past girlfriends, etc.

Yes, that would bother me                    48%          
No, that wouldn't bother me                    21%
A little, but I wouldn't protest                    31%

Question 3: My partner sends secret emails or secret texts to someone of the opposite sex. 

Yes, that would bother me                    92%          
No, that wouldn't bother me                    3.3%
A little, but I wouldn't protest                    4.9%

What Do I think?

Ok, let’s evaluate and name the behaviors in question. Question 1 identifies “flirting” as a questionable behavior. I tend to agree. I am actually surprised that more people did not consider it unacceptable enough to address it. Who are the 27% who wouldn’t think to bring it up even though it bothered them? I wonder if they understand that flirting is like an invitation for further involvement. It says to the other party that you’re available and interested in them. Gentlemen, this is a no-no. Even if your spouse seems to be ok with this, this is a habit that you should drop immediately. You don’t want to be the reason that some female chooses to interject herself into your relationship. One thing that you should do early in your relationship is to understand that if you open a door…there is the potential for someone to walk through it. Flirting isn’t safe. As a matter of fact, if you cannot control your desire to engage with the opposite sex in this manner, you should reconsider your commitment to marriage before you say “I do.”.
Question 2 identifies “being excessively complimentary” of others. Interestingly, fewer people claim to be totally bothered, but more people say that it would bother them a little. Only 1 out of 5 respondents reported that they would not be bothered at all. Let’s be honest, an occasional comment from your girlfriend about Denzel Washington or Brad Pitt wouldn’t shake you, would it? How about if you were making comments about Beyonce’? What thoughts do you think that would elicit from your wife, fiancé’, or girlfriend? Would that be something that you’d intentionally want her to think? If not, perhaps it’s something to discard. I don’t know if this makes you a “cheater” or not, but it could unintentionally send the message that you’re not happy with the appearance of your spouse. I wouldn’t do it.
Now, question 3 identifies “secret messages or contacts” as another behavior that raised serious concerns from the majority of the respondents. I think it must have been the word “secret”. Perhaps that word raised red flags because affairs usually involve “secrecy”…at least at first. As you look toward marriage you must realize that the relationship you’re entering requires an openness and honesty that will foster a deep trust. Beyond what your spouse can see, hear, or know regarding your behavior, being able to trust in you as a man speaks to your character, your moral integrity. Any secret liaison can undermine the trust that you’ve worked hard to earn. If your contact with this person is “innocent”, why not disclose the contact to your spouse or fiancé’? If she doesn’t approve of the contact, then you’ve only got one solution. Drop the contact. If you’re not ready to do that, then perhaps you need to re-evaluate your readiness to enter a marital commitment.

What Do the 2 of You Think?

What we’re speaking of in these articles is a moral construct that has a highly spiritual component. There are behaviors that work to protect what I consider to be the “Keys to your relationship”. There are also behaviors which work toward the opposite end and put the security of your relationship at risk. Whether or not one is “cheating” is a matter of perspective in combination with certain definitions. What is vitally important for you to do is to understand what you expect from your spouse and what she expects from you in order for the both of you to be able to feel safe, secure, and fully able to trust each other. So, get to it! Start talking with your special one about these issues. Ask questions to be sure that you understand her perspective and make sure that she is able to hear you as well. We’ll take a look at more of the poll results in part II.

Jeremy Watkins is a certified counselor and the creator of The Bachelor’s Boot Camp ™. He is committed to helping young men understand their role and responsibilities in marriage. His book outlines the purposes and process for an alternative to the traditional “bachelor party”. You may contact him at [e-mail]

For news, booking information, and to review The Bachelor’s Boot Camp visit:
http://www.authorsden.com/jeremygwatkins
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*Poll Source: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/21760323/