Strange Encounters of the Cyber Kind

Recently I had a strange encounter on the internet. I’d always been skeptical about online dating although I had dabbled from time to time, only to come up empty handed.

Here’s what I realized about the so-called “safety” of internet dating. It’s impersonal, right? So therefore no chance of getting hurt, right?

Well, here’s what I learnt. That rejection, hurt and heartache seep into the deep dark recesses of the cyber world.

So there you are, reluctant at first and after giving it much thought, you wriggle your wrists, stretch your fingers and bring them down decisively on the keyboard. You register, pick a name and painstakingly create your profile. Every word you use could make or break your chances of drawing someone to you or away from you, so you choose your words carefully. You’re suddenly filled with possibility.

Here’s the first way you can suffer rejection and undesirability – no-one approaches you. Many may have viewed your profile, but for some reason skip to the next one. Ouch.

Another more gut wrenching form of rejection – you let someone know you’re interested, and then wait with hope… but nothing. So now your self-esteem is taking a blow. Am I that ugly and unattractive? After all, let’s face it – we only have a picture to go on and we make a snap decision about someone based on a picture. After a while, you no longer want to set yourself up for rejection, so you quietly skulk away and never return. And as much as you tell yourself it doesn’t mean anything, just a bunch of nobody’s who mean nothing to you, you can’t shake the feeling of being just a bit bruised. Your only consolation – at least nobody in the real world knows about it.

But on to my recent experience. It took place in the wonderful world of Facebook. I met a guy in one of the “singles” groups. He poked me. I was a bit unsure of whether to respond. I thought twice, but in the end I poked back. I had a good look at his profile and he seemed harmless. In addition, he was 10 years younger than I am so figured he wouldn’t be interested in anything serious.

He immediately struck up a conversation and invited me to chat on MSN Messenger. I was reluctant at first as I wanted to get to know him a bit better before taking the step to Messenger!

He was from the exotic and fascinating country of Egypt. There was no harm in being friends. As it turns out, he was quite keen on older women. First red flag. Soon conversations on Messenger become rather x-rated. This shocked me at first, but at the same time intrigued me. He was not shy to express his appreciation of my body. This was flattering and to be honest I was enjoying the attention – something I hadn’t had in a while. Somehow, I got sucked in. There was something about him  - boyish and cute and I sensed he was just a horny young boy and not a sick pervert. He was not embarrassed to share that he was still a virgin. So I wasn’t too alarmed by the nature of his conversations – if anything it was amusing.

But to my surprise his behaviour alarmed him. Being a good Muslim boy, this was inappropriate. I quickly got an email saying it was going against his religion and principles and it would be best if we went our separate ways. I agreed. And with that, he promptly deleted me from Facebook and Messenger. It was over, and I went back to my hum drum life. It had been an exciting interlude, but that was all. I was happy with that.

So imagine my surprise when three months later, he popped again. He missed me, he said. Had some time to think and figured what was so wrong about being sexually attracted to someone. Wanted to pick up where he left off. I on the other hand, was not keen to go down the online sex road again. I’d be lying if I said I was not sexually attracted to him, but I just wasn’t comfortable with that line of conversation and made that clear. I was oddly pleased he had looked me up again. I kinda liked him. There was just something about him. I was still intrigued, and much to my surprise indulged quietly in my own sexual fantasies about this boy, 10 years my junior.

But the very next day he deleted me from Facebook and Messenger again! I was gobsmacked. And confused. What’s up with this guy? I was angry, upset and ….. hurt. Yes, hurt – by someone I’d never even met.

And that’s when it hit me – I really liked this guy and realized that I would miss him. I wanted him back! I didn’t understand why he had deleted me with no goodbye this time.

I hate leaving things unresolved. I needed to know. I sent him an email. He replied saying he had no excuse, just thought it was best. Didn’t want to force me into anything I didn’t want to do. I was livid. I called him jerk. So the truth had hit me – all he was interested in was dirty talk, all he did was stare at my body parts. I thought he liked me for more than that, but the truth was I was being reduced to a just a sexual object, and the worst part was he didn’t deny it. At least he was an honest jerk!

Having someone lust after you is rather flattering, but at the end of the day you want to be liked for more than just your bra size. I was so disappointed. I felt used. I felt hurt. And for the second time I felt like I was breaking up with this guy, and we weren’t dating!

Somehow we ended up having a long talk and he asked me to send him an email telling him how I felt about him. I decided to be honest and let him know I was indeed developing some feelings for him, but also raised all my concerns – the distance, the age gap, religion. I was still firmly grounded in reality knowing nothing could come of this. And of course, I wanted to know his feelings too.

I waited for a reply and none came. I was again – hurt! I’d laid my feelings bare and he didn’t have the decency to reply! After two weeks, my wounded ego was finally recovering when he popped up. He apologized for not having responded – things had been very busy with work, studies and a friend who’d been involved in a serious car accident. He was however, a bit surprised I hadn’t emailed to find out where he had been. Hmpf… well, I had figured he’d pulled a disappearing act again and just had too much pride to contact him again! I felt extremely proud of myself that I had not caved and sent him a message enquiring where he was! The amount of times I’d wanted to! We chatted for a long time. Again, he expressed that he’d missed me. He responded with how he felt – which of course was mostly sexual!

I then decided it wasn’t worth continuing this “relationship”. We didn’t have contact for a while.

I have to sheepishly admit that I foolishly made the next move. I sent him some photos I knew he’d appreciate. Nothing risqué just me in an outfit that was a bit revealing. I was being playful. He responded of course. We talked again. This time I really enjoyed the conversation. His sweet sensitive side was showing. It wasn’t just the physical stuff this time.

I never know what will happen next. When we end a conversation, I am never sure I will hear from him again. I always miss him when he’s not around. I just take it as it comes.

It’s nice having something to look forward to. It’s nice having someone pay me attention again. He’s made me feel better about myself and I’m sure that’s all I will take away from this, and that’s enough.

Perhaps somewhere out there, whether in the real world or the cyber world there is someone for me.