Tired of Living Beneath the Clouds

Dark clouds covered the sky, holding some light on earth. It made the night look a little less dark, but no less frightening. A malevalent storm was taking place in the middle of the night, when everyone else was asleep, oblivious to it all. Lightning cracked in the distance. Thunder boomed and echoed across the long, flat plain. Rain fell in thick sheets of needles, stinging as they hit skin. The only other light besides the lightning was a pale white glow of the moon behind the clouds. It was trying to shine its light to the ground, only to be kept at bay by the thick, grey clouds.

I didn't know why I was out here. I was just...here, sitting at the edge of the trees behind me, staring at the vast plain in front of me. I let the rain fall on me in cold, stinging drops, soaking my clothes and dirty blonde hair. I let it run down my body. I didn't care. I was just out here. Just because. That's the best way of putting it. I was out here because. But I knew what was on my mind. It was the same thing that was on my mind all the other times I had come out here.

I heard the flapping of wings, just barely audible over the pouring rain and thunder. They became louder and louder as the source grew louder, and suddenly a hawk swooped out of the trees and landed on my shoulder, staring me in the eye with fierce, glaring yellow eyes. This hawk's name was Ski. I had befriended him as a young boy when I had founded him lying on the ground, a nasty gash in his left wing where some other bird of prey had attacked him. I had picked him up, and although he tried to resist, he soon subdued himself. I took him home and nursed him back to health. If I hadn't found him, he surely would have died. A hawk that cannot fly is like a fish that cannot swim.

"You really shouldn't be out here during this storm," he said, stretching his wings. "And so close to the trees, where you could be struck by lightning? Shame"

I didn't reply. Instead I simply stared straight ahead to the distant horizon, thinking about the days when I had taken care of Ski. As soon as he could fly again, I let him go, and he soared majestically into the sky. He was free again, but he said he was eternally thankful and that would always be by my side, as my friend. I had set him free, but in a way he had cursed me. Because as I watched him become a dot in the sky, I felt a painful longing in my heart, one that would take over me and dampen all the happiness in my heart that I could ever hope to achieve.

I couldn't help but admire him, sitting there on my shoulder. His smooth, sleek feathers that kept him warmed and let him fly. His curved yellow beak f or tearing apart prey. His hooked talons which he used for the same purpose, and which I noticed were stained read with blood. And of course his wings, which let him soar majestically through the sky with the greatest of ease. So many times I had admired him for what he was, and also for what I wanted to be.

Ski had become concerned from this stretch of silence from me. He rubbed his beak caringly against the side of my head. "What's wrong, Tobias?" he asked. "What's on your mind?"


I glared at him, although he easily outdid me without even trying. "You know exactly what's on my mind, Ski." I had told him what was tugging at my heart before. He knew.

He slowly nodded. "I see," he said, preening his feathers with his beak. "So, you still want to fly?"

I just nodded, my eyes becoming slightly misty with tears. That was how Ski had cursed me. After I had seen him soar the skies, I couldn't help but want to do the same. I couldn't control it. I knew it was irrational. I couldn't control my happiness, my desires.

"I want to be just like you, Ski," I whispered.

He ruffled his feathers. "You know that's impossible, Tobias. Why can't you accept it? Why can't you accept the fact that you're human?"

I just shook my head. "I don't know. I can't explain it. It's beyond all rationality. Maybe I just have a weak soul."

"But why you?" Ski asked me. "No one else feels as much pain as you do, so why do you?"

"Everyone else is normal. Me...I'm different."

I gave a weak smile. "Maybe my soul just got put into the wrong body."

Tears began to fill my eyes.

He buried his head into my shoulder, whispering into my ear. "Why, Tobias? Why can't you be happy with what you have, and who you are? Why can't you accept impossibilities?"

"You don't think I've tried?!" I shouted, sending many birds in the trees flying off. "I have tried so much to be happy, but it lurks like a veil over my heart! I can't accept it. I just can't."

Ski sighed and shook his head. "humans," he said disapprovingly. Then he flared open his wings, revealing their undersides. Underneath, I could see many scars. Some were barely visible as feathers had started to growed over them, but many were very conscicuous, surrounded by bareness, the feathers barely starting to grow back in."

He set his wings back in their folder position. "See Tobias?" he asked. "I don't think you realize how hard it is to be a hawk. Those scars are from me being attacked by other birds in the sky. There are so many things that could kill me at any time. It's dangerous, Tobias. You should know that from that one day you found me on the ground, left for dead. It isn't just all fun and flying. Nature is unforgiving."

I stared at Ski for a few long moments. I felt stupid for never thinking of what he had just told me. I just started to realize the truth in his words.

"I'm sorry." That's all I could manage to say to him.

"It's okay," Ski said. "I've accepted who I am and have learned to handle it. Maybe you should learn to do the same."

I nodded and smiled. A real smile, and I actually felt happy for once.

The storm had stopped, and the sun was just starting to break over a clear horizon.

"I'll see you some other time, Tobias," he said.

"Bye. Fly home safely."

He laughed. Then he took off of my shoulder and flew into the sparse forest. I watched him soar into the trees, until he finally disappeared.

Before I went home, I fell to my knees, a huge grin on my face. I started to laugh extremely hard. I laughed so hard that my ribs and face started to hurt, and tears rolled down my face. It was so stupid, what I wanted. A human wanting to be a bird. How ridiculous is that? It was so dumb, and all I could do was laugh about it now.

I finally stopped laughing, my entire body aching. It would never happen, so why should I be sad anymore? It's just funny, and it was worth laughing at. Finally, I felt the black veil over my heart and mind shatter. It was the greatest feeling in the world, knowing I was no longer cursed.

I've finally accepted who I am. Finally, I can be happy again.