Not Real

Once more the stars appear
in the endless night that falls upon us.
I don't know what to do, what to fear,
I don't see any farther future,
I don't even know who I am.
I try to be reasonable,
try to be sensible,
but logic seems to contradict itself.

everyone around me finds me equivocated,
but all I want is to be normal.
don't wanna feel this sorrow and pain,
don't wanna be disappointed again.

the sky just gets darker
tears grow hotter on my face
sliding down my cheeks
falling upon myself.
I try to reach a friendly hand
try to think this is not the end,
but everyday it just gets harder.

people tell me to smile
but I can't, I wanna run away,
run over a mile.
I erect mountains and wards around my heart,
this way I'll suffer less.

but suddenly everything changed
I saw a dim light in the tunnel,
a golden light.
it changes my point of view
I summon my energy
make my mind obey my heart's will.

blood of my veins run out from my body
it soaks my sleeve,
it broke me free.
seemed pathetic just to think
all I needed to smile was a greater pain.

no one notice it at first.
my cry was never heard
but then you came to me
you looked right through my eyes
saw my soul within your fingers; saw all there is to see.
you didn't even care if it hurt me or not
but you laid down with me
gave me a hug and prayed

I smiled while holding your hand
but you weren't real
not real enough.
I could feel you by my side
but you were nowhere near.

my ego just crashed,
my soul never existed.
I feel lonely once more.
the razorblade you gave me is bloody
the cuts in my skin are deep
but the ones in my heart are deeper.

promises are all I have to keep me alive
I put a hand on the cold ice that covers my mountain
the snow turns red
I look back on the memories I had
happy moments, even sad ones
all of them lay in the past,
suicide thoughts run through my head.

I try to say I'm okay
but nothing will ever be the same
I know I changed far too much
I've been lying for far too long
now I can't go back to the person I used to be
I'll just walk along.

I try to scream,
try to shout
but my voice just won't come out
I wonder how I reached this point.
when everything started to fall?
why can't I be normal at all?

my questions never end
though I can't answer one of them
my wrist stops bleeding, it'll soon mend
but I'll never recover
not unless my life is over

every breath I take,
my lungs filling with air,
is just another sacrifice I make.
but I try to deceive myself
think I have friends
believe I have a chance
a last chance to prove myself worthy

once more I fail
imagining a better tomorrow
satisfying my heart with sorrow
going back to my old empty life
asking myself if it will ever suffice
I try to cope with my feelings
try to handle with me

the sun rises as a new day arrives
though I know it will be the same
motivation escapes my sweaty hands
'try not to be too mean'
'nor too tender'
I get a spike from my drawer,
call you a last time
and say it like a last demand:
"can you stake me?
can you end this haunted life right now?
can you save me from suffering more?"

then a last tear I cry
as I take the spike to my heart,
pushing it deep inside.
the phone fall from my hand
I hear your scream in the other end of the receiver,
and then I hear no more.

and then I reach my end.