an attempt to be rude and amusing. |
SEX LIVES OF THE SUBURBANITES Oh Bejeezus, crivens, crikey. Darn it, blast it, crumbs. I’m stood here wearing Mildred’s Nightie And here the gorgon comes. “Walter dear, I’m home” she says The door slams shut, Oh no! I turn and try to run away There’s no place left to go. I promised her, I promised her, I said I wouldn’t do Exactly what I’m doing now And in her nightgown too Urgh. With bulldog nose, waspish lips And stomach clearly weaned on chips, She strides with purpose through the door And sees me pleading on the floor: “Don’t jump to conclusions dear Things aren’t as they may appear.” “Not as they appear?” she cries, "My tights are halfway up your thighs!" “My love, my dear, my wife, my queen My clothes are in the wash machine And finding none inside my drawers I thought I’d try on some of yours.” “Okay you may not understand This feather duster in my hand. The wig and pigtails I must stress Looked better in your other dress.” She stared at me in consternation And silent deadly agitation. Then she seemed to make a choice And spoke to me with rising voice; “It’s not that I object to much And dressed as me is fine as such. You look quite fetching in the main, The thing that startled me is Wayne!” On the couch with face like plaster Neighbour, friend and dungeon master Wayne “the punisher” Estaire Sits in half his underwear. Best described as looking drained In fluffy cuffs remains restrained. Slightly balding, slightly fat But certainly worth looking at. His mighty jowls begin to wobble, “By God Walter we’re in trouble! I promised my wife Marion I’d not put women’s clothing on.” Strange to say but I could not Sympathise with him one jot. I’d problems of my own you see Standing rather close to me But then surprise! I turn and stare My wife has gone from deep despair To grinning like a Cheshire cat Now what could she be smiling at? Suddenly she laughs with glee And shaking points at Wayne and me “My god you must think I’m dim If you think I don’t know ‘bout him. “Jeez have you no sense at all I’ve installed cameras in the wall And speaking through a veil of tears Says “We’ve been filming you for years.” My jaw drops open, Wayne asks “We?” Mildred says “Your wife and me, We get together twice a month, Once for dinner, once for lunch.” “And once we’ve had a little wine We snuggle up for movie time” It’s popcorn crunching, prime time fun For me and your wife Marion” “The bit that both of us liked best Was Wayne wearing his batman vest And you dressed up as Uncle Sam With buttless trousers buttoned on” “But wait a minute that’s not all - Think Clive and think his market stall Yes that’s right a nice sideline He does in products such as mine” “I find this very hard to say You’re famous faces on Ebay. And we’ve made rather tidy sums Selling both your bouncing bums.” |