The Hair Dressing is a Little Lumpy

749 words

Rico was new in town and I needed a haircut. Not my idea but the ‘significant other’ said I was beginning to look like a dandelion gone to seed. It was raining outside so I pulled on my trench coat and hat. I didn’t want to scare anyone I might see along the way. Gertrude, significant other, said there might be children along the way and they could be traumatized by seeing a white man with a fro. I had to agree with her, you know, being my significant other and all.

I arrived at Rico’s around five o’clock in the pm. He was hard at work on a chubby blue hair when I walked through the door.

“Rico, “ I said, “I thought I was your five o’clock?”

“You are, man. I just trying to squeeze Miss. Johnson in before you.”

Rico’s English was a little rough so I wasn’t sure what he meant about trying to squeeze Miss. Johnson. She looked like she was pretty well squeezed into the chair.

“So, now that you’ve done it why not start on me?”

Rico looked at me like I had two heads. Must be the hair. “I know,” I replied to the unspoken question. “My wife told me.”

Rico and Miss. Johnson were still looking at me when Juanita, Rico’s assistant, walked out of the back room.

“Shampoo?” she asked.

“No,” I replied. “Why would I have shampoo on me?”

“What I meant was, do you want a shampoo?” she seemed frustrated.

“Yes,” I said. I removed my hat and Juanita stifled a scream.

“Your hair,” she said. “It is so big.”

I couldn’t tell if she was excited or afraid. The look on her face told me it could be a little of both. I followed her to the back room where she motioned for me to take a seat at the sink. I removed my coat, sat down, and leaned back. Juanita turned on the faucet and told me to wait a moment while the water warmed. Soon she pulled me back and under the flow of water. Unfortunately for me the water was more than warm. The scalding water hit my scalp and I did an involuntary leap, trying to get away from the sink I now affectionately call the caldron of death. My leap rammed the faucet into my forehead. Scalding water ran into my eyes, mouth, and nose. I screamed and jumped from the torture apparatus Juanita had placed me in, this time managing to miss the faucet. Unfortunately, the wall was in the way. After bouncing of the wall I fell backward into Juanita who promptly pushed me away and into the wall again. This time I fell backward onto the floor where my head broke my fall.

Juanita ran to my side screaming. Rico hurried into the room with a flatiron still in his hand. He promptly slipped on the wet floor and fell atop me, his knee digging into my naughty bits. The hot flatiron clipped tightly to my left ear. Again I screamed and pushed Rico’s arm away from my ear. He picked this moment to release his grip. I still wore the flatiron earring and the smell of burning flesh was beginning to upset my stomach.

Rico and Juanita were now babbling in their native tongue. The chubby blue hair, who for some reason needed a flatiron, stood in the doorway with a shocked look on her face. I pulled the flatiron from my ear and sat up.

“You okay?” Rico asked.

“I don’t know,” I said. “How does my hair look?”

“Nice and tight,” Rico answered.

I stood and looked at my mangled ear, burnt forehead, and broken nose, not exactly what I came to Rico’s for. But I had to admit, my hair looked better. I limped out of Rico’s vowing to never return. I held the door open for a lady who was entering the beauty shop.

“My, your hair looks nice,” she said. “Did Rico do that?”

“Actually Juanita did.”

“Was it expensive?”

I thought about the question. This little do had cost me my left ear, the skin on my forehead, my nose, and possibly a testicle. I then looked at my reflection in the glass of the door. My hair looked magnificent.

“Yes, it was very expensive but it was worth it.”

I smiled and limped away. My significant other was in for a real surprise.