His Happiness

You ask if I love him why won’t I fight for him. That question is more complex than you’ll ever know. I love him with all of my heart. He completes me. When I’m sitting, tears pouring down my face, my only wish to be alone, realizing that the world is cold and feeling unwanted, he is the only one who can make me feel better, and he does without the use of words. Just his presence, his touch, a hug makes me feel that everything is going to work out ok and that as long as he’s there nothing will ever hurt me. The irony is he is the one thing, the one person that has hurt me more than anything else. He destroyed me completely when he moved on. Taking more and more of my heart each time I saw them together, each time I saw them hug, each time I saw them kiss, each time I heard her describe how utterly perfect he is. Then, ironically, he helped me to heal, helped me to see that my world was still turning, that maybe it would be ok if I allowed myself to feel. The one thing he has never understood though is that I still love him, probably always will. He doesn’t understand that every time he gets a new girlfriend I’ve died a little inside. He doesn’t understand that I act excited about his relationships and that I play the dutiful role of the best friend while wishing that things were drastically different. He doesn’t understand that as I watch them begin a new relationship that I wish we were in the third year of ours. He doesn’t understand and I refuse to enlighten him. He knows that there is one guy that I refuse to tell him about. That there is one guy I want to be with. He just doesn’t know that this one guy is him. Why won’t I tell him? Why won’t I fight to be with him? Because maybe our time is past, we had our chance and it’s over. But mostly because I see him with her, I see him and he’s happy. I see him and he has a smile on his face, laughter in his voice, mirth in his eyes, joy in his movements. I see that he is wondrously, overwhelmingly happy. And if he’s happy that’s enough for me even if I’m not quite as overjoyed as he is. I'll sacrifice my ultimate happiness because his happiness is what matters because I love him.