mindset study

So tonight I was finally open with a girl a girl about my sexual satisfaction. Please reader be aware that I am writing this while sitting on a couch in the downstairs of my house while the girl in question is in my bed, I have every intention of remaining on this couch to sleep tonight and no intention to ever see this girl again (apart from our inevitable meeting in the morning in which I will be both distant and respectful).  The night itself has been a serious of severe highs coupled with severe lows. One minute we were on the street giggling in each others embrace like kids while only moments later I’m despising her and cursing the day I ever decided I wanted to see her again. To be frank, the problem lies chiefly in my side of the court. Issues in my childhood, in particular a severe speech impediment as a kid, has since always made me avoid interaction with other people, particularly when the topic was of a personal nature. In my mind I always imagined that that type of converse should flow naturally and be uninterrupted by such ugly and unpleasant noises as I am so prone to making. In part most of the blame for tonight episode can be attributed to me.

Finally we had mad ground (or so I thought). I have always been a nervous person, if the thought ever crossed me that the person I was going to tell something to would take it in a manner other than the one I wanted I would refrain from saying anything. Oh, if only I had not gotten ahead of myself tonight, then at least I could have continued in my unfulfilled relationship with her. I had divulged to this girl a lot of personal details on my development as a child and adolescent to which she appeared to be open and understanding. Progress had been gained tonight I thought, the girl hadn’t been scared off, I didn’t seem to affront and she was not suspicious of any other intent than m earnest discussion. I thought now was a better time than any to discuss what I considered to be a sever impediment to our sexual activities (of course now only twenty minutes later I realise any time would have been better than this, standing on a crowded rush hour commuter train would have been better. For she is you see at a certain period of her menstrual cycle where women are particularly emotional and temperamental to many issues especially ones regarding sex life). I am sure at any moment she will come down stairs, asking my forgiveness, red eyes, I can almost hear movement upstairs (or what I assume is movement, it may be expanding or contracting pipes or other such heat reactive material). If such an occurrence does happen I have absolutely no idea what response I will take to it. In anyway to diverge no further I was writing an account of tonight’s happenings, not so I may allow anyone to read it (although posting it anonymously on the internet is for some reason appealing), more so I am writing this in so that I may have a greater understanding in the motions of divulging this type of information to another woman, if I ever decide to do so again.

As a man I have always been very far detached from my emotions, this is not to say I am some kind of lifeless automaton. I have always felt my emotions towards others strongly but have never had the power to act on or allow them to influence my judgement. I suppose this has also had an effect on my ability to fluidly phrase many sentiments. Tonight, tonight I do not feel hurt, I am not writing this with a sense of sorrow. Merely I am writing this to try help understand what I am missing or more precisely (I hope) to help me learn the mechanics of this type of interaction. In order that I can in future be more successful in achieving the desired outcome from this type of engagement.

I am experiencing a sense of loss at knowing I have just lost a relationship which I value, at the moment probably value more than any other relationship I am currently engaged in. there really is a large part of me that is urging me to go back upstairs, comfort her with sweet nothings, assure her it was a misunderstanding and everything will be fine. I am still unsure whether to not do so is entirely selfish or if by that act is entirely selfish (as I just want to be with this girl to fulfil some intrinsic need of being a male human).

Again, I have digressed from the topic of this essay, that of portraying my emotions in words so that I may further scrutinise them. To not digress is hard for even being open with myself about such matters is difficult. I am now suspecting seen as she has not come to me that she is either asleep or is getting dressed in order to take a taxi ride home. ** Although being Spanish I severely doubt the latter** oh Justin you have made a bollocks of things again.