Mother I've missed you

I hate funerals. They are always so dark and depressing. It’s sad that this is the first time I’ve seen my mom in a while. The pastor goes on talking about life and deathbut I don’t hear a word of it. I have other thoughts that are more pertinent. I mull over the piece of paper I have in my hands and a drop of water blurs a word.
It’s been a while since I talked to my mom, which is strange because we used to be so close. I used to come to her with all my fears and secrets and she would listen. However, growing up as a guy eventually kids around the neighborhood began to rag on me for being a momma’s boy. Seeing as how the culture was what it was at the time, men needed to be men, and not be dependent on a woman, even if it was their mother.
Once I reached the age where boys want to be the manliest man they can be I started ignoring my mother. I stopped going to her to talk about my life. In fact, I pretty much shut her out of my life. One of my strongest bonds just repressed, and set aside to be more socially accepted.
Once I stopped talking to my mother I became more stressed and had a harder time with everything in my life. Instead of going back to talk to my mother and get the help she could’ve given me I instead just became infuriated with her. I was not able to do these things without the babying of my mother. I just felt worse about my self and more displeased with her. I made some very wrong choices in my life, that have led me astray and down some dark paths, but none of those choices were worse than the choice to abandon my mother.
The Pastor was wrapping up his speech and inviting people to come up and see the body for the last time. Reluctantly I stood up, next to my mother, not saying anything. I folded up the paper I was carrying and dropped it next to the grave with all of the flowers. A tear rolled down my cheek as I looked at my mom’s face and started walking away.

Dear Mom,
I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last saw you. I’m sorry I haven’t called in a while, and I’m sorry I haven’t told you I love you enough. I’m sorry I haven’t met that perfect girl or given you a grandchild. I’m sorry I wasn’t one-hundred percent honest with you all the time. I’m sorry I spent more time out of the house than I did talking to you. I’m sorry I never let you know that you’re the only reason that I am who I am, and where I am today. I’m sorry I never thanked you for being you and just for putting up with me as I grew up. I’m sorry that however hard you tried to find out what was going on I never let down my wall. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better son, and most of all I’m sorry you aren’t able to hear my apology. Rest in peace Mom, I love you.

         Your always loving son.