Dear Rusty

Dear Rusty,

I remember when I first laid eyes on you. You were this little 7 lb jack russle in a hot, smelly cage in a Waco shelter, scared and stressed out of your little mind. I was looking for a jogging dog. I went to every dog in that place before comming back to you.I think it was becasue you were so pathetic that I took pity on you. I blame the strangley large eyes and forhead wrinkles. God damn dog, were you bred by anime obsessed asians?

I had your little balls chopped off and took you home. My reward for my good deed? YOU!

I was fooled in the early days. You clung to me, following me everywhere. You went to work with me and slept under my chair while I helped customers. I never saw any little presents around the house, so I assumed that you were going outside. You even came slightly trained too, and were very quick to learn the new things.While I did buy you so that you could push me back into shape, those little eyes were always quick to forgive when I slept in.

Now dog, its been a few months, and we need to talk. You know I love you and would never get rid of you, but why do you make it so hard for me to enjoy your existance?!

1) You lick your butt hole, alot. Adam and I will be slipping off to sleep, and then we will hear your happy ass going to town. Do your ass glands leak?! We tried to express them once and I think it just made you homoerotically horney. Seriously dog, can you just go 5 minutes without checking the conditions of your butt?

2) Stop fucking with the cat! While we did get the cat so that you could have a playmate while we were away, I think I need to stress that there needs to be a set time. During they day or even in the evenings, knock yourself out. You can run circles around that cat, it gets your excess energy out, I dont have a problem with it. HOWEVER, 3 am is not a designated playtime. Everyone agrees, especially the Louie. When I am having dreams about fighting zombies with Angelina Jolie , I do not want to be awakened by your terrified little yips as the cat kicks your ass.

3) Quit raping small creatures. I had your balls removed, why are you still so horney? I know squirls have fluffy tails, and they probably feel good on your junk, but I swear to god if I have to go rescue another small animal from your menstrations, I will hold you down and let the lab next door at you.

speaking of the Lab next door...

4) Rusty you are the greatest asshole of all time. I actually dont know how to feel about this one, but I still feel I need to bring it up. Every morning, it never fails, when I let you out to you pee, you have to have your little ritual with the lab next door. Your little tail goes in the air, and you and the lab play, but it is only a ploy on your part. You stand up on the fence and the dog leans down to sniff you, at which point you pee all over his face. While Adam and I think it is eternally funny, I think you need to stop, the neighbors are starting to get suspicious.

5) You do not need to be the center of everything. Adam and I are a couple, and sometimes mommy and daddy need some alone time. When we throw you off the bed and out the door, it does not mean that you convince the cat to open the door so you can sneak in. Because you are so small and we are caught up in other things, we dont realize you are on the bed until your nose,or tounge, is up someones butt! Thanks for killing to mood dog, I apprecate it.

When I go to the bathroom, I dont need an audiance, well actually the cat is worse at this than you are, but damn! Your growling is not an encouragement, infact it gives me stage fright, let me be alone for once!

6) Your breath smells, horribly. and I know why. remember when I first got you and I thought that you held it untill it was time to go outside? Now I know better. I make sure to put you out atleast every 4 hours or so, I even come home on lunch breaks to do it, but sometimes Im just not quick enough for you. So what do you do? You squat, do the deed, AND THEN EAT IT! While I applaud your recycling technique, that is fucking sick. I think that is why you are so retarded sometimes, you are suffering from menangitus.

7) And while we are on the topic of poop, is that cat box like a gold mine for you? Does the litter add a satifying amount of crunch or something? I should not have to guard the cat box from a poop theif!

8) You are one of the pickiest eaters I have ever met. We buy you the nice dog food, the expensive little pouches and what do you do? you eat the cat food. my god it cant taste that bad. beef stew with carrots, chicken breast in greavy, for god sakes you eat turds! just eat the damn food.

9) You are all bark. I understand, I watched that episode of the dog whisperer, you are possesive of me. You see me as your female or something, and you want to protect that. I get it, but guess what, Adam is above you. The family structure goes like this, Mommy and Daddy, then the cat, then Dick, then you. In that order.

That little growling thing you do to Adam when he tries to move you out of the way in bed isnt cool. But at least have a bite to go with the viciousness. I have seen pomeranians that are smaller than you bite off fingers. You just make angry noises and then run behind me, where you promptly soil yourself. Thanks dog, your such a good protecter.

I will not have our friends come over and let you lick their face after you just recycled breakfast. Do you like the little listerine breath strips I put on your tongue sometimes? I am going to start bumping those up, and if you though cool winter was bad, think about the cinnimon. Speaking of breath, I found these wonderful little pills at Petsmart today, evidently they make your butt taste bad. Those little chewy things I give you are not treats, but you dont know the difference.

Now I do love you, and you know that I would never abandon you, but I want this relationship to work. We have to make certain changes in order to make this work. I hope you undertand.

Love,

Mommy