Bullet

                                   Bullet

They call it hazardous illegal substance abuse.

We call it Biting the Bullet.

I am Biting the Bullet now.   

I place the metal delivery tube to the back of my throat.  Gagged the first few times but my body has learned since then.  Good things are on the way.  The trigger is heavy at first.  The Can needs to be popped.  It pops and my finger pulls the trigger back so hard I nearly break it.

A hundred miniscule capsules shoot to the back of my throat.

I put the Gun aside and cough specks of blood on an open notebook.  My esophagus burns and my eyes water.

I have just Bit the Bullet.

After several minutes of patience, the capsules buried in the soft tissue dissolve and spread their glorious payload.

Some say the Bullet makes them tired. 

Some say it makes them overly hyper.

Neither of these describes my experience.

I become a sort of passenger.  Or maybe a tourist.  Visiting a world very different from my own.

I hear a sound and look up.

The front door has opened.

It is Winnie.

Winnie is not a bear but he is big and furry and when he talks I get a funny tickling in my ear.  I like it when Winnie visits.

Today he is smiling and I smile back.

Winnie is my pilot.  He takes me to all sorts of fun places when I Bite the Bullet.  Winnie likes me a lot.

The world follows him like a cape tied around his neck.  Everyone and everywhere being pulled behind my big, hairy friend.  I laugh at this. 

Winnie always knows where to take me.  I think he can read my mind because he just shows up, grabs my hand and says we are going to see a movie and it is the very movie I want to see most. 

I grab my Important Bag and we are off.  Winnie says to never leave home without the Important bag.

Winnie can't drive.  He is too big to fit in the driver's seat and has to ride in the back.  I drive and Winnie tells me the directions to the cinema.  I laugh when he talks.

When we get to the movies Winnie tells me he has already purchased a ticket and will meet me inside.  I give him a hug.  Winnie likes me a lot.
         
The ticket lady is so pretty.  She is a princess and has powers.  I buy my ticket and ask her to show me magic.  She says it is secret magic then talks to her friend.  They look at me and laugh and I laugh with them because I know she has secret magic.  I am pretty sure we are best friends now.

I swing my legs extremely high as I walk.  I can almost kick the ceiling.  Winnie can kick the ceiling.

The concession stand lady is working as the ticket ripper.  She rips my ticket and hands me back a piece of candy that looks like a torn piece of paper.  She says something I do not hear because I am eating the candy and it tastes awful.  I do not like the snack lady.  Maybe Winnie will take care of her later.  He always takes care of the bad people I don't like.

I find a good seat and finish eating my gross treat. 

Someone calls out my name.  For a moment I think it is Winnie and my heart swells with excitement.

It isn't Winnie.

It is John.

I know John.  He is a good friend from before and an OK looking guy.  He has nice eyes and a good smile but his hair is always messy.  He sits next to me. 

I don't tell John about how I Bite the Bullet three times a day.  I also don't tell him about the magic princess and Winnie.  I wish I could tell him.  Winnie says not to tell.

John says he is glad I showed up this time.  I don't know what he is talking about so I just smile and say it's good to him.  He gives me a handsome smile and hugs me. 


My heart pounds.  He says I look nice.  I am afraid.

What if Winnie saw him hugging me?  What if he reads my mind and discovers what he said?

I scan the crowd and find no Winnie.  No fuzzy giant man with the whole world and everyone tied to his neck like a cape.  I listen for his voice.  There are many people talking, including John, but I cannot locate that special voice that makes my ears tickle till I laugh.

I am very afraid.

John is asking questions about how I've been getting on and the new apartment and why I've been missing class.  I respond but I don't know what I say.  Winnie has been gone too long.  I need Winnie.

Winnie is my pilot.  He keeps me on track after I Bite the Bullet.  I am falling off track.  My mind is hurting and people in the audience are starting to float away.

The room goes dark and it is not till John tells me that the movie should be good that I realize it is because they are starting the show.

I look at the screen and almost scream.

It is Winnie.

He is looking at me and I can feel him reading my mind.

His face is bigger than ever and he is so angry.  His eyes are red and his teeth are sharp and I plead in my head for him to stop.

Winnie talks and his voice booms through the speakers.  His voice still tickles as he announces his intent on taking care of John.  He says John will come between us.

John is watching the screen.  He thinks it is all just part of the movie.  He doesn't know Winnie.  He doesn't understand that Winnie gets very jealous.  He doesn't realize that he will soon be taken care of.

The audience which is now entirely airborne laughs as the image on the screen changes.

A middle-aged woman is standing at the top of a very familiar staircase.  She is pushed backwards and I claw my face in agony as I watch my mother tumble downwards.  Except that this time the stairs do not end.  She crashes forever and ever and ever and ever and the audience laughs harder and harder and harder till they are shaking my body.


Her smashed and twisted head looks at me whenever it can. 

She is yelling.  She is telling me to stop. 

I try to tell her that it isn't me.  I try to tell her that it is Winnie but she cannot hear me because she has been dead for two years. 

I see a Gun in her hand.  My Gun.  The one I had my lips pressed around just a little under an hour ago, right before Winnie, my pilot who likes me a lot, picked me up and went with me to the cinema.  Winnie did not like my mother.  He said she would separate us.  I don't want to be separated from Winnie.

My mother hits the floor so hard she bursts open like a firecracker.  The audience makes an "awww" noise and I think my ears start to bleed because they are very hot.

You can see the top of the stairs clearly even though she has fallen several miles in wails of agony.  I am there.  Winnie is there.  He is holding my hand and I am smiling so hard that my teeth clench and blood dribbles from my lips.

I look at me and I see my eyes are missing.  Instead Gun barrels poke from their sockets and small blasts of haze pulse through their tips like opened veins.  The edge of my smile has spilled into my ears.

When I watch my mouth open it splits my head in two.

I feel sick.

The image changes again.

There is my friend Sara.  Sara is wearing a beautiful dress but she has lost her head so it is stained.  Her arms fall off at the elbows and globs of red dance from her open wounds. 

The globs dance well.  Like the lava in lava lamps.

Winnie is dancing with the lava.  I am standing next to him.  I am holding a very red knife.  The knife talks to me and myself.  It says we are good friends and that Sara wanted Winnie to go.  I don't want Winnie to go.

I look away from the screen.  It has made me very ill.  I am scared.

The audience that was floating turn out to be balloon people.  They expand and expand till they burst, laughing as their little bits fall to the floor.

I don't want to look at John.  I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to.


I look at John.  He is watching the screen smiling.

I am relieved.  Then a line opens in his cheek. 

It is a mouth.

The mouth opens and lets out a suffocating howl.  The mouth is huge and in it I can see Winnie dancing.  He is dancing very well. 

I don't want Winnie to dance.  I don't want him to dance inside John's face.  John says I look nice today. 

My throat tears open as I scream and run from the theatre with John's cheek mouth howling at me all the way.

This is not the same place.  It is a nightmare.  The aisle has become a winding tunnel.  I am spinning too fast and the centrifugal force pushes me to the ground.  I am violently dizzy and ill. 

I throw up.

I have to crawl past monster people who look at me with tiny eyes.  I try to keep my head to the ground.  I do not want to look at the monster people.

When I chance a look down the twisting corridor I see the door to the lady's room.  It is no longer a door though.  It is a flapping mouth with razor teeth.  It says it is safe inside. 

I know the door is telling me the truth because when it talks it sounds like my mother.

I pull my hands in front of my face and run at the door.

I am glad that I am not eaten.

The bathroom is blissfully normal and empty.  I crawl under the stall door and sit on a toilet.  I do not trust any door that does not sound like my mother.

Inside the stall I let myself cry.  It is so terrible.  I want it to stop but it does not.  Not until I open my eyes and see Winnie.

I tell him that he should not be in the lady's room.  He pats my head and tells me everything is going be fine and I believe him because he makes my ears tingle and is my pilot.

My mother-door tells me someone has entered.  Winnie takes a peak.


He says it is the snack lady who gave me the awful candy.  The one I wanted Winnie to take care of.

I tell Winnie that we shouldn't take care of people anymore.

Winnie does not yell at me.  He tells me that it was the snack lady and John who set me up for the scary movie theatre.  He says he is protecting me from the bad people.

Because I love Winnie more than anything in the whole world I say we can take care of the snack lady, but not John.

Winnie says he is not interested in John.  That is a relief.  Winnie reaches into my pocket and pulls out a shiny.  It is pretty.

The snack lady says words.  I start to laugh.  The snack lady says more words then Winnie jumps out of the stall and stabs her in the belly.  She does not have dancing lava like Sara and I am disappointed that her insides don't sing.

Winnie tells me that the singing and dancing insides are harder to get to.  He shows me how to do it.  The snack lady makes some silly noises as I look for her dancing organs with Winnie. 

We find something even better.

Funny insides who tell jokes.  I laugh at the silly jokes and recognize some as jokes my dad had told me.

My dad went away from me.  My dad didn't want to ruin my relationship with Winnie, he just wanted to go away.  I didn't mind because I love Winnie more than anything in the whole world. 

Even my daddy who went away from me.

The insides did not know a lot of jokes.  They apologized.  Winnie told them it was okay and that we had to get going. 

Before we could leave I had to change my clothes because they had lava on them.  I did this quick because I was very tired.

When I left the bathroom the hallway had stopped spinning, though every so often some curves were present.

When I stepped outside the door with Winnie I saw John standing by my car.  He looked very afraid.  Probably because of the scary movie.


Winnie tells me to get out the shinny. 

I tell him no.  I say he has to wait while I make sure John isn't too scared.

Winnie likes me a lot and so he says it is okay.

When John sees me he hurries over.

I tell him not to worry and that everything is fine.  He looks skeptical.  I almost tell him that Winnie won't take care of him but I remember that I am not allowed to talk about Winnie.

He says that maybe I should see a doctor.  He says he knows what it is like to lose someone special.  No worries I say.  I have the most special person in the world to me right here.

I don't know why his cheeks go red but I am glad the mouth is gone. 

Then he says something which puts me to the pavement.  Something I have not heard anyone say in a long time.  Words that freeze me solid. 

"I love you."

My mind empties for a moment.  As though everything had been flushed away just like snack ladies joke organs.  I can't find the ground even though I am sitting on it.  Then Winnie appears.

He is mad.  Madder than when I saw him on the big picture.  Madder than anything I have ever known.  He promises to take care of John.  That is the last thing he says before he disappears.

When I get sense again John is leaning over me and asking me quick questions that are too close together and too fast for me to separate.  I am holding the shiny.  Winnie is in the shiny.  I throw it as far as I am able. 

I can feel myself coming off the Bullet.  I understand what John has said to me now.  It makes me so happy I cry.  It is a wonderful cry and I hug John the whole time.

I tell him he is the most wonderful person in the world.  I tell him that I will not let it happen.  I promise to protect him from Winnie.

John looks at me with sad eyes.  He says that I am hurt and I tell him that it was only a small fall and that I'm fine.  He kisses me on the forehead and it is the most fantastic thing that has ever happened to me.


We stand up together.  The Bullet is almost gone.

I have a terrible thought, so awful that it turns my stomach into thick slush.  I don't know where Winnie is.  Winnie only shows himself when I Bite the Bullet.  This means I won't be able to see him coming.  I won't be able to protect John.

I hug him close and kiss him on the lips like they do on TV.  Then I kiss him again and promise that I will be back soon.

I load myself in my car so quick John doesn't even have time to protest.  He chases after my car but I am too far gone.

The sky is all dark.  The moon is grinning sheepishly tonight.

I do not even close the door.  I do nothing but load the Gun with a Can.  I push it into my mouth and fire. 

The Bullet comes quicker this time.

When it is fully engaged I laugh.  Winnie is behind me.  I can feel his furry beard playing with the top of my head.  He says that it must be done.  That John has to go.  My ear tickles.

When I turn to face Winnie I see he looks very different.  He looks like a giant me.  He is not hairy at all but small and thin and wearing the same clothes as me.  We meet each other in the eye and I wonder if the evil smirk on his face looks as pretty on me as it does on him.

I tell him that it is over.  I tell him he will never take care of anyone ever again.  I tell him I don't need him anymore.

He flicks back his long silky hair and smiles at me with beautiful white teeth that are partially covered by glossy lips. 

Winnie says I can never live without him.  Winnie says he keeps me together.  The room changes and I watch as my mother is pushed down the stairs.  But it is wrong.  Giant Winnie is not there.  It is only myself and my face is screaming and laughing at the same time.

I hear my mother's words.  I do not remember ever hearing them before.  She is yelling at Winnie.  She is telling Winnie to stop. 

I say that Winnie is not there.  My past self looks me in the eye and laughs.  I am scared.  I am confused.  I say this and past me laughs harder.


Don't I get it she says.  Is my brain that cooked she asks. 

"You are Winnie."

Then, with no warning, I am the one pushing my mother down the stairs with that ugly half grin.  I laugh as she falls down and finally crumbles motionless at the bottom.  I walk to her fallen corpse, pick up the Gun and deliver another dose.

Except I am not doing any of this.  I am standing in my apartment's living room.  I scream in horror as I see hundreds of Winnie's everywhere. 

Only they are me.

But not truly me.  They are mirrors. 

And then I understand why Winnie always sat in the back.  I could only see him through the rear-view mirror.  And then I understood what really happened to Sara.  She had been modeling a new dress in her room, turning around in front of a full bodied mirror.  And the lady in the department store two weeks ago.  And the snack lady in the bathroom tonight.

Winnie laughs and I laugh. We yell and curse and plead and beg and mock and hate and love and my head reels with confusion at who is doing what when I know that there is only one who.

It is only me then.  I am the one. 

I am the murderer.

Then, in one of the mirrors I find my real self and all at once each mirror becomes my real self.  Winnie the parentless.  Winnie the addict.  Winnie the killer.

Winnie the loved.

The solution is clear to me even though I am on the Bullet full blast.  I open a drawer in my coffee table.  John, you have given me salvation.

The gun.  It is heavier than my other Gun.  And the bullets are not Cans. 

I assume the position.  I do my best to imagine that the cold steel barrel is actually John's beautiful lips, and that my teeth are clinking against his own rather than metal.

My second to last thought is of Winnie, big Winnie.  He is dancing happily and I with him. 

My last thought is how a real trigger pulls much easier.