Stained

This couldn’t be. I felt as if my life was spinning out of control. I could handle being alone and out of control, but my beloved shouldn’t be involved.
         “Go away!” I told my beloved.
         “What are you afraid of?” My beloved asked, calmly, quietly ignoring my demand. I turned my head away from my beloved, self-hate consuming me in an effort to protect my beloved.
         “I can‘t be your dream come true,” I whispered. My beloved shouldn’t see me like this, tears now stirring up inside. I was an inadequate protector, unable to save my beloved from myself. The black hole of my soul was sucking in everything around me, including my beloved.
         “I never expected you to be.”
         Why wouldn‘t my beloved just leave? “You don’t even know me.” I sunk my head down between my knees. I needed to isolate myself from my beloved. Instead, my beloved sat down next to me, trying to reach me. My heart fluttered. My beloved didn’t have to do this. But even my beloved couldn’t keep my self hatred from returning.
         My beloved leaned in. Hot breath gently tickled my ear. My beloved persisted, “Is that it?”
         In a feeble attempt to throw my beloved off my trail I lifted my head, letting my ragged, uneven breath fill my beloved‘s ear. My voice was still hoarse as I leaned in, “Maybe.” 
         “Can you be more specific? What are you uncertain about?” My beloved probed. Fingers lingered on my shoulder.  I just shrugged.
         “I know.” My beloved said calmly. “Your mother told me.” My beloved’s words rang out, clear  and crisp. 
         I was too confounded to say anything. How could my beloved say that so calmly when it was the very issue that was ripping at my soul. Those rainy days, the video camera, the man. I trembled uncontrollably. It hurt to know my mother had betrayed me. My mother told my beloved my deepest, darkest secret. I was ashamed that my beloved knew. “Why are you here?”
         “They are  waiting.”
         “Damn them, what about me?” I said through gritted teeth.
         My beloved straightened up. “This is not about them, this is about us.”
         No, the voice in the back of my head screamed. My anger took control away from me again. “You can’t be serious, especially after this.”
         “Why wouldn’t I be? I love you. But I can only give you everything I’ve got.”
         “How could you love me,” Escaped from my mouth. No one could love me. “I am the last person you should be with.” My temper rose. “Why didn’t you tell me you knew ?!?”
         “I trusted you to tell me when you were ready.” My beloved had an answer for everything.
         “You’re ignoring the issue.”
         “And you’re running from the real issue.” Damn. My beloved had caught my bluff. I was swept across visions of us, it lead us all to today . . . flowers, friends, and a lifetime forever.
         “Is it still crippling?” My beloved asked again.
         I nodded. “It’s usually not this bad. I’m sorry.” Long moments dragged on before I finally broke the silence, “Hold me.”
         “Come here.” My beloved’s words sent a shiver down my spine. I reached out for my beloved’s hand causing my beloved to gently pull me up. Hands came together with mine. Soon to be man and wife. She brought focus to the chaos I called my life as I lingered in her arms.