Ready or Not

         I knew eventually this day would come, but still it feels as if a freight train hit me.  Her slowly chilling hands remain in mine only by me force.  Jade Elizabeth Paige, the one I loved and cherished most in this world, is gone forever.  Silent tears fall onto her last letter to me.  She instructed not to open it until now, after her passing.  I turn the envelope over and over in my hands fingering the edges.  The cliché from childhood games of hide-and-go-seek pops into my mind.  Ready or not, here I come.  And I’m not ready, not ready to lose my love, not ready for this to be the end.  But ready or not, this is it.  I inhale deeply and break the seal.  The crisp letter falls in to my hand.

Skylar, my love,
      If words could only express how I feel about you, I’d write a million poems    and dedicate every last one to you.  I love you with my whole being; mind, body, and soul.  You fill the void in my heart, and for once in my life, I know what it means to be whole.  It feels so wrong that I have to say good-bye so soon after saying hello.  Leaving now just seems so unfair.  But life never promised it would be fair.  I consider myself lucky, though, that I’m privileged enough to know love before death.  I am happy, Skye, with you.  But death is inevitable; no amount of love can change that.  We both knew this day would come; it’s just not what we wanted.  I regret, though, not being strong enough to make it to out one-year anniversary.  Enclosed in this envelope is a small symbol of my love for you and my gratefulness to you for giving me the most wonderful last year.  I wish instead that I could live and be there when you need me to hold you but alas, this is my destiny.  Know, Baby-Girl, that I will always be with you.  I will keep my promise to you forever; I will never abandon you.  Remember me, darling, not as this cancer decayed body, but as the person I was before, when everything seemed brighter.  Skye, I love you so deeply; all I want is for you to be happy.  You deserve to be happy.  You are my Sky, full of endless possibilities and promise.  I need you to try and be happy, to live again like you once did.  I will always love you and be with you.  Please, forgive me for leaving you too soon.
                             I’ll love you to no end,
                                                 Jade

    Oh, Jade, darling.  There’s nothing to forgive.  You never wronged me.  Tears fall harder and faster now.  I run my fingers down the side of her face.  I love you, too, so much. 
    Slowly I tip the contents of the envelope into my hand.  A beautiful ring rests in my palm.  The white gold sparkles between my fingers as I bring it closer to my eyes.  My favorite stone lies in the shape of a hear t on the simple but elegant band.  Jade.  Engraved inside I find the word ‘Beloved’.  The ring fits perfectly on my finger. My sobs break out loudly know.  How could this wonderful girl who I love so much be gone?  I lay my head on the side of her hospital bed trying to breathe. 
Memories of the time Jade and I spent together flood my every thought.  The first time I saw her, sprinting toward me after a wind-captured piece of paper.  I grabbed it just before a strong gust of wind had the chance to send it away forever.  It was then that I noticed her undeniable beauty.  Lustrous black hair swirled around her pale china-like face.  Her bright green eyes met mine and I held the paper out so she could take it.  We muttered the required ‘Thank-you’ and ‘You’re Welcome’ bit, and I went back to the game of soccer I was engaged in with no other thought about that brief encounter.  At the time, I had no idea it would seem later to be the most significant five seconds of my life.  That day used to seem so long ago.  Now, I feel as if it just happened recently.
      It seems so wrong, though, to be here with this lifeless body and her life, our lives, so vivid in my mind.  This isn’t jade.  It can’t be.  Jade was so alive, even at the end.  I have to be dreaming; I wish I’m dreaming.  But that’s all it is, a wish.  Just like I can only wish she was still here.  My genie lamp never appeared and my brightest star lies here, dead, in front of me.  Wishing is merely wishing.  Nothing is guaranteed. 
    I lift my head from the tear soaked blanket she lays under, realizing I must leave now.  I’m not ready to leave her, nor will I ever be.  But I’ve no other choice.  Standing slowly takes my every effort.  My lips linger on her forehead in the last kiss I’ll ever give her.  Walking slowly away I glance back at the doorway, knowing I’m not just leaving her but a piece of my heart as well.
___________



    It’s too white.  Nothing, not even a hospital should be this white, yet it is. I know that the whit represents the cleanliness and sterility of everything here, but it just feels so wrong.  Too many people die in this building for it to be so white.  It’s scary, really, to be in a place so uniform, so fake.  No amount of whit pain, of bleach, of sanitizer can ever red these halls of the darkness that taints every hospital’s atmosphere.
    In contrast with the white walls, the black letters of the waiting room sign are intimidating.  I know I have to go in and talk to her parents, but that doesn’t change the fact that I really don’t want to.  I take a deep breath trying to collect myself without success and open the door.  Tear don’t have a scent really, but they are all I can smell with every ragged breath I intake in the horrid room.  All eyes flicker to me, then away again when they see I am not a doctor bearing news of any sort.  Head bent, I unhurriedly make my way to the far end of the room where Luis and Cindy Paige sit on a fading blue couch.  I can feel their eyes on me, burning into my flesh.  My own eyes tighten as I raise my head, but reluctantly I open them after what felt like minutes but were only seconds in reality.  The look on my face tells them everything.
    Cindy jumps up, throwing her arms around me with tears spilling out of her glazed blue eyes.  Luis pinches the bridge of his nose, leaning back on the couch and takes unsteady ragged breaths.  I wrap my arms around Cindy and tell her I’m so, so very sorry over and over again, though I don’t think she hears me.  I hate seeing them like this; hate all of this in general. They were such happy people before all this.  Now, I think< I can feel a part of Cindy dying in my arms as well.
After about a half an hour Cindy and I sit on the couch with Luis in a companionable silence.  “I have to go talk with the doctors.  Please, excuse me.”  Luis quietly murmurs and leaves the waiting room.  It was the first thing either of them has said since I entered the room.  I realize because of this sudden yet mundane break in the silence, that the room is eerily quiet.  The constant buzz of the florescent lights bores into my head and causes it to spin ever so slightly.  Minutes drone on, the leather couches crackling every time someone shifts positions, and magazine pages are turned creating a crinkling noise.
    I can’t take it anymore.  The silent, but not really silent, room is driving me crazy when all I want to do is go home so I can cry sitting alone in the dark.  But I hate to leave Cindy all by herself when she’s like this.  I gave to leave, though; I can not stand another second in the unbearable atmosphere.  Shouldering my bag, I mumble something about having to get home. Still silent, she too gets to her feet and nods.
    “I’m so glad Jade had a friend like you,” I hear her whisper as I begin to turn away.  I flinch at the term ‘friend’ and turn back to look at her feet.  I can’t look people in the eyes when I lie to them, it just doesn’t seem right; I feel so heartless when I do.
    Fingering my ring, twisting it around and around my finger, I manage to squeak a response.  “Yeah, we were really close.’  My eyes close as if to brace myself.  “She was my best friend.”  Without looking at her again, I quickly make my way out of the waiting room, tears starting to pool in my eyes.
    As soon as I make it out the door, I speed walk to the nearest alcove.  Tears flow down my face in steady, heavy streams.  I cover my face and lean against the wall, not caring who sees or hears me.  To them, I’m just another person crying in a hospital anyway.  I never thought a single person could have so many tears inside, but I was wrong, so wrong
Home.  I need to go home.  I sniff away a few tears and start making my way to the exit.  Everything is blurry from the tears still stinging my eyes; I run into few people in the hall.  I come to the elevators, and immediately turn left towards the stairwell, knowing I don’t have the patience for an elevator now.  At an unsafe speed I charge down the flights of stairs to the fist floor.  The panic bar clicks as I rush out of the stairwell.  Even my longest stride can’t get me out of here as soon as I wished.  As soon as the automat sliding doors come into view, I quicken my already fast pace.  Space diminishes between me and the freedom that lies beyond those doors as I hurry across the lobby.
    Air, not the stale wretched kind found inside the building behind me, fills my thirsty lungs.  The crisp evening air chills the tears on my face making me shiver.  I stand there, collecting myself, as the sound of an ambulance rings in the distance, quickly moving closer.  Knowing I would rather not witness another dying person on this day, I dart in the direction of home.  Home, I thought to myself.  Home was in her arms, the only place I feel safe.  And even though I thought most my tears had been shed, more came flooding down my cheeks, a cry escaping my lips. 
    But I just keep moving, one foot in front of the other. 
    Headlights beam across my face, but I hardly am aware.  My feet drag on the pavement taking me home on the same route as usual, by memory I suppose.  Time slowly passes as I make my way down the streets, block by block. 
I awaken from this trance as soon as I sit down; the cold metal stunning my senses.  It takes a minute for my eyes to adjust in the dark, and I realize where I am:  the park where I met her, our park.  The pain rips through my chest leaving a throbbing emptiness I’ve never felt before.  It’s unbearable, this hollowness that is so excruciating.  My heart, it feels, has been torn from my chest, and I never will get it back.  The strikingly painful realization hit me, knocking me down to the merry-go-round on which I now lay.  It hurts, so entirely; that’s all I am aware of. 
The teary vision of the star lit sky soon fades to blackness as I slip into the realm of dreams.