WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT

ITZRUSS news best news stories of 2007 from January 22:
by Sarah Ennywonn-Soburr

RIGA, LATVIA - A captain and four crew members of a Maltese-flagged Cargo ship crashed onto a shore. The Russian ship captain was more than two times over the legal drinking limit for driving.

ITZRUSS news bouyed itz way in and was ready to hammer the situation with the Captain,  Mr. C.C. Soberov.  I was determined to find out why all these idiots got so disgustingly drunk, and with I’m sure foul language that I would never use. When I met the Captain, he said: “Goood day, Commmrad!! Have a shot of vodka weeth me!!”  So, this reporter did.  Then I asked, “Mr. Soberov, why did you crash your ship on to the shore?”  The Captain said, “Because, I am worried about my moootherr! She needs moooney!”, he said, “she sells sea shells by the sea shore. The shells she sells are surely seashells, so if she sells shells on the seashore, I’m sure she sells seashore shells!! Have anooother shot of Vodka weeth me, Commmrad!”

I had my 2nd shot of Vodka. “Mr. Captain C.C., whyyy did you get sooo drunk onnn the shipppp, Captain?” Captain C.C. said, “because I am so sadd.  I’m concerned about my friends, Ned and Sam!!!”, he said.  “Ned Nott was shot. And Sam Shott was not.  So it is better to be Shott, than Nott.  Some say Nott was not shot.  But Shott says, he shot Nott.  Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot.  If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot.  But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, then Shott was shot, not Nott. However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott–but Nott!  Have anooother shot of Vodka weeth me, Commmrad!!!”

I had my 3rd shot of Vodka.  I said, “shaayyyy, Mr. C.C. youuuu and the ennntired clewwww werre allllll, drinkin?  Heh, heh, heh, on a reaaaaal dark night on the scheeeeeeea???? Scheeeee here, C.C....how could scheeee, C.C., you scheeeeee? The Captain said, “Leesinn, Commrad!  I love my crew!! I want them to bee safe!!  I could see fine that night on the sea you see?  So I told my crew, you’ve no need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight, for a night-light’s light’s a slight light, and tonight’s a night that’s light.  When a night’s light, like tonight’s light, it is really not quite right to light night-lights with their slight lights, on a light night like tonight!  Have anooother shot of Vodka weeth me, Commmrad!”

I had my 4th shot of Vodka. The Captain worries about his mom, his friends, and his crew. He’s a great man, a hero. As I was driving away in my car from the Shipyard, I said to myself, “I’m real stoned, and I’m nauseous. I’m Sarah sitting in her Chevrolet, all she does is sits and shifts. All she does is sits and shifts.  Sits and shits, shits and sits, shits and shits.....”