Galoshes from Hell

When I picture galoshes, I have this vision in my head of an old sailor man, limping in the rain, down a dock to his boat. He’s wearing oversized black rubber pants and a bright yellow rain coat with a matching hat. The sailor’s face is a bush of white hair and leathery skin, worn by wind and sun. For some reason, and I’m not sure why, the man is smoking a Peterson pipe. I think it just adds to the coolness.

Galoshes have been around for a long time. One legend is that an Englishman by the name of Radley invented galoshes after reading Julius Caesar’s De Bello Gallico. The book describes a protective cloth overshoe called “gallicae.” Radley then patented the overshoe with rubber inlay to keep his shoes dry.

Since then, galoshes have gone through a variety of different patterns and styles. They’ve been called such names as gumshoes, Dickerson’s, overshoes, and, in America, rubbers!

Do you think that anyone on God’s good earth could take such an amazing invention and make it a piece of crap? Well, never fear, they already have.

Today galoshes, or I guess now “rain boots” for those who think young, are paraded around by every “Grande skinny, sugar free vanilla Latte” girl in town.

And not just sleek, black old-man galoshes that make you secretly think the person wearing them is a pirate or some European detective. But shiny, striped candy-cane galoshes that look like a small child ate a crayon and then threw up all over them.

Women walk by me wearing these things with their jeans tucked into them and, I don't know, a shirt with large, bold print across their chest that says, "My eyes are up here."

I'm just trying to read what the shirt says and realize she probably thinks I'm staring at her 12-year-old-boy chest (since she drew so much attention to it). I immediately look down, and OH MY GOD, did a small child throw up on your feet???

Plueys is one of the companies that provides these atrocities. In their ad they say, “Plueys designs are unique, practical, and always attract lots of admiring attention.”

Sure, I guess I could see myself admiring them. If a 500 pound man with a tutu and a clown nose were wearing these plastic monstrosities, I would admire them quite a bit! I like that idea. I laugh when I think of that.

And altogether that makes more sense to me than seeing the march of the tweeny-boppers. The only feeling I have when I see that is the sudden urge to grab an axe!

I am not in any sense against the idea of galoshes. I love them! But look at something from Marc Jacobs if you have to get all stylish with them. Don’t go to the 3-year-old children’s aisle to pick out your next foot condom.

As I sit writing this, the clouds are moving in, and the forecast predicts rain tomorrow. But if it does rain, and you decide to leave your house wearing colorful galoshes, don't come running to me crying when your legs get chopped off below the knee. I can't help it that your primary colors are giving me a rash.