Reasons

Reasons.. everyone always wants reasons why I am the way I am. Honestly, I would like to know myself. So I write about what hurts, what feels good, and what makes me feel. I want to know why:
- I cry.
-I'm screaming silently inside
-I'm happy for a moment and then I lose it.
-I'm free but i hold back
-I hate myself everytime I look in the mirrior
-I drown in my self-pity
-I eat a tub of ice cream then feel so much guilt i can't move
-I am ashamed
-I hide from everything
-I feel more then i can take
And i really just want to know why I am unable to be whole. Was i born with a failureinside of me that doesn't allow me to change?I spend my days scared. What if I never change?What if there is no reason at all? What if I am the I am forever and there's nothing I can do about it?So I look for an answer to make the confusion go away. Everyday i wake up with only hope that someday something will be found that will make this endless longing go away.
Have you ever wanted something so bad that you couldn't breathe?
I can't breathe.