My Best Baby

She was the most beautiful baby I had every seen. He skin was a Hershey’s kiss brown. He hair was as black as charcoal and a shiny as patent leather shoes. Jocelyn Nicolette had gorgeous dark eyes that just seem to draw into their gaze. I know it seems unlikely, but it is as if she entered this world with a smile on her face and personality that just made you melt in her presence.

I was twelve, almost thirteen when Jocelyn was born. Her mother was a young teenage mother. We were cousins and the best of friends. Bridgette asked me to be Jocelyn's godmother. I was so exicited. How could I say no. It was such a big honor. Just being asked made me feel important. I thought to myself, would I be able to stand in as mother if something happened to my cousin? Could I be that responsible at such a young age? How would the world view me if I suddenly had to tote around this baby and all her things day after day? It was fun keeping her on the weekends and playing with when I went to visit my cousin's house. Taking care of her for a lifetime would definitely be something I would have to think about, and I did.

I spent time watching and observing my friends and neighbors that had babies and were still in school. They didn't seem to be the people that I remembered before the babies came. The looked tired and worn out most of the time. They were grouchy and quick -tempered. I just see them yelling at their babies for the littlest things once they became old enough to get aound. I believed they loved their babies, but probably wished they had waited. Their lives were now changed forever.

I came to a decision. I sat down with my cousin and Jocelyn in bounced gently in my arms as I cradled her. She smell just like the johnson & johnson pink baby lotion. I couldn't help but smell every two or three words as I talked with Bridgette. Jocey cooed in my arms and made little grunt noises as I held her. I told my cousin that I would be her support and help her however I could as her cousin and as her friend, but I was not ready to shoulder the responsibility that comes with a child.

Right away her broad shoulders seemed to turn inward and deflate before my eyes. The gleam perhaps sparkle she had was gone from her face. I began to feel guilty, as if I had done something wrong. I had. I stole the joy of motherhood that my cousin was trying to share with me.

Jocey still in my arms squirmed alittle and wiggled around. I held her a bit closer and snuggled my face into her neck. It was a welcomed relief from looking into my cousin's eyes as they welled up with tears. We would get through this I knew. I just wished it didn't have to hurt us both, each in our own way.

I continued to watch Jocelyn Nicolette grow. I was there when she spoke her first word. She took her first steps and clung to my arms as I reached out to her. I feed her treats and sung songs of praise as she learned to use the potty and had her successes. Jocelyn may not be my first child, but she was for the longest time my best baby!

Moni

*** Jocelyn is now 26 years old and has two daughters of her own. My cousin Bridgette and Jocelyn both reside in Cleveland.