Goodbye

I used to liken my life to a story, not necessarily a fairytale, but a story just the same. Sadly, there is a chapter closing that really wasn't supposed to end. Whatever is left of youth in me is jaded now, and whatever is left of my heart, I don't want anymore. The things I believed in and had faith in lay in pieces before me and I really don't feel anything. You could tell me time heals all wounds, and I would have to say unfortunately I learned all too early in life that sometimes that just isn't true. You could tell me I deserve better, and maybe you would be right, but I'm not really one for judging who deserves what and who doesn't. We get dealt the hands we can play. I've been the responsible one my whole life and the weight of it is crushing me now, and has ultimately backed me into a corner. The choices that lie before me are not choices I'll ever really be prepared to make, but I have to try. I don't know what I deserve, but I do know what I want and what I don't. I don't want to be used anymore by a foolish boy who swore to love me forever and put a ring on my hand as a commitment to that, then cast me aside as soon as the butterflies started to fade. I want honesty. When I'm wrong, for god's sake say something or how will I know? I don't want to play games. They're stupid and in the end everyone has too much to lose. I want everyone's expectations of me to just die. I'm not your savior, I don't have any answers. And I don't owe anyone a god damn thing. I don't have anything left to give, so just stop asking. I want to come first with someone, anyone. Hell, maybe I could start by putting myself first for once. And I don't want pity. I don't pity myself and I don't want or need anyone elses. More than anything though, I want freedom. I want the end I still don't believe I'm ready for. No, I don't believe time will heal this, but that's a chance I'm willing to take now. What other alternative am I left with? A liar, a cheater, a friend who tried to kill me in the worst ways you can kill a person? It hit me today the person I love is dead. There's nothing good left or worth fighting for, and the time for grieving that loss is long gone. It's time to let go and move on. And so this chapter ends...