Helping your Teen Deal With Suicide

On Wednesday, December 20, 2006, Jacob White took his own life. He was only 16 years old. My son, Jeffery, was Jacob's friend. In fact, they were planning on going out that Friday. But Jacob never saw that Friday. Instead of going out on that Friday, we are going to Jacob's funeral. We were all reeling from the news, people were crying, my son was shaking when he got the call. Two of the girls who are friends with my son and with Jacob were crying. Everyone wanted to know why. There are some questions, though, that we will never be answered. This is one of them.

I visited Jacob's MySpace page the day after his death. I read the comments from his friends. It was heartbreaking. Each young person wrote something special and kind. They showed a side of the teen heart that is so big, so vulnerable. I read about their pain, their disbelief, and their happy memories of this boy who seemed to be so full of life. I knew Jacob. Every time he saw me, he hugged me. He was always making wisecracks. He was one of those people who would not let you stay in a bad mood. He would have you laughing in no time.

I read stories from his friends. One girl told of how one time her ride was late and he stayed with her so she would not have to wait alone. A boy told of how Jacob had carried him on his back out of the woods when he was ill. His girlfriend left a poem that would break your heart. The members of his band posted poignant messages. They all said that things won't be the same without him. Without Jacob, things won't be the same for many of us.

In this aftermath, I was left to help my own teenagers cope with this loss and make sense of something that has no rhyme or reason. Jeffery is 16 years old and he was so upset. He and his friends rallied around each other to offer support. Several of them went to see Jacob's father. They needed to reassurance and support of each other, the stability and empathy of friends who understand the feelings they were experiencing. I let him go.

According to the National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI), there are approximately 2 million suicide attempts by adolescents in the United States alone. Of that number, nearly 700,000 receive medical attention for their attempt. NAMI also reports that an estimated 2,000 young people between the ages of 10 and 19 years of age die from suicide in the United States each year.

Helping Your Teen Cope with Loss

It is hard to know what to say to your child when they experience the death of someone close to them, particularly if it is suicide. It is important to first understand what he or she is feeling. They will likely go through a variety of emotions, including grief. Some teens may feel guilt because they may feel that they should have 'seen it coming' and could have prevented it. Others may feel angry or confused or in shock. Some may even tell you that they feel nothing or no strong emotions at all. Believe it or not, all of these are very normal and appropriate. Make sure that your child knows, above all, that there is no right or wrong way for them to feel. Don't 'expect' them to feel or react in a certain way, do not pressure them to cry or be sad. On the other hand, do not push them to 'suck it up' and act like nothing happened. Give them time and room to grieve in their own way.

Sometimes it helps to allow your teen to talk to a grief counselor to help them deal with what they are feeling. Sometimes it is tough to sort out all the emotions. Their school or your local church can help you find a grief counselor to talk to your child. This can be helpful because often people who are close to someone who commits suicide are literally blindsided by the event. They think about the last time they saw or talked to the person, the next time they were going to see them and they look for any indication that this was going to happen. The finality of it, realizing that that person will not talk to them again, joke with them, be with them can be overwhelming. Their room looks the same, their website or online profile may look like they just left it and the reality may not sink in. A good grief counselor can help with all these emotions and confusion.

Don't assume that your teen doesn't need you. While he or she may have friends and peers to offer support, they still need you, even if it is just to listen. The most important thing you can do is be there for your teen during this time. Let them remember the good times - and the bad. Let them laugh, let them cry and give them a safe place to experience all of their emotions. Many teens are expected to be "grown up" and to be able to "snap out of it" and this is unrealistic as well as inappropriate. Give your teen permission - and time - to mourn. Let them grieve, let them be angry, let them remember.

Activities to Help Your Teen Grieve

There are things you can encourage your teen to do to help them deal with the grief and confusion. Different people will respond to different things, but here are a few suggestions:

· Talk to other people who knew the person

Sharing stories and memories with someone can be great therapy. Encourage your teen to talk to other friends who knew the person. Give them permission to laugh at funny stories and cry over the sad ones. Let them know that they will experience a roller coaster of emotions and it is OK to feel many different ways.

· Create a webpage as a memorial

Several sites such as Geocities and Bravenet offer free webhosting. Your teen can get a free website and create a page as a memorial to the person. They can have visitors post comments on the page, sign a guestbook, post links to sites that offer resources and they can celebrate the person's life. This can be great therapy and it can also be a great source of comfort for those who are experiencing loss in their lives.

· Keep a journal

Keeping a journal can be a great way to make sense of confusing emotions. Whether it is a locking diary, a pretty journal or a simple notebook, it is a way to record what you are feeling. Some people benefit greatly from writing down their feelings, some don't care for it. Let your teen know that he or she does not even have to write in complete sentences; the journal is just for their eyes, it is private.

· Plant a tree or flower

This is a popular way of remembering a person and celebrating their life. Plant a tree, a rosebush, anything that can commemorate the person. This can be very healing for the survivors who are trying to make sense of the aftermath of a suicide.

· Make a "Memories Box" or scrapbook

A plain old shoebox will do for this. Let your teen decorate a box or scrapbook and fill it with items that remind them of the person. They can add notes, photos, funny stories, and mementos from good times that they had with the person. Any time that they miss the person, they can go through the box and remember.

· Make a photo album of memories

Many times, when someone experiences the loss of someone close to them, they start to "forget" what the person looked like. This is normal, but it can be terrifying and even heartbreaking for the grieving person. Help your teen create a photo album with photos and mementos of the person they have lost. This can help them recall happy times.

Helping your teen cope with suicide is not easy, particularly if you are coping as well. Just remember to listen more and say less, give them time - and room - to grieve and offer them plenty of love and compassion. Let Jacob's legacy be one of understanding, compassion and love. Let his tragedy help you better understand how to help your own teen cope with the loss of someone close to them.