Sleep eludes me

Lying in my bed...
Staring at the ceiling...
Distressing thoughts preclude my sleep
The old year has ended...
I managed to cope...
A near year begins...
I am apprehensive...
Anxiety fills my mind...
And sleep eludes me.

Will the bills get paid???
Will we have enough to eat???
Will we stay warm???
Will I maintain composure???
Will I live another year???
Am I ready to meet death???
It seems a million questions haunts this restless night
And sleep eludes me.

I walk the floor trying to escape the depression
I have been told all my life to put my troubles in God's hands
God can take care of anything
How can I be sure there is a God?
Is God real...or just a scapegoat of the masses?
If God doesn't exist, then, who will help me?
If God does exist, can I afford to ignore him?
The hours tick slowly by...
endlessly marching in single file...
And sleep eludes me.

I ponder my worth...
Would anyone miss me if I ended it tonight?
Could I end it tonight?
Should I end it tonight?
And sleep eludes me.

Suddenly I startle awake...
Grateful it was only a dream...
In which I died...
And no one cried...
Or even cared...
Or said a thing.
Now I am afraid to go to sleep...
Afraid that I might dream THAT dream again.
So I elude sleep.

Or am I dead...

And only dreaming I ever woke up?