Trust Me

Killian shivered and hugged her thin coat.  She felt the pills she purchased in her pocket.  The man promised they would help her forget all her troubles.  Her parents died when she was young.  Adults, who should have cared for her but instead abused her.  Her husband died and left her with two small children.  They all betrayed her.  They left her alone.

When she saw a policeman, she quickened her pace.  She couldn’t be caught again with a pocket full of drugs.  The judge warned her that if she were found with drugs again, her in-laws would gain permanent custody of her children.  She would die without them.  She pushed her way through the first door she encountered.  She strolled nonchalantly to a trash receptacle and tossed her drugs.  She felt eyes on her back.  She meandered down the row of paintings.  The vivid hues of the foliage in one painting grabbed her eyes.  She stopped to get a better look.  The leaves seemed to blow down the cobblestone road.  A figure at the end of the road beckoned her.  She leaned closer to get a better look.  Suddenly she inhaled the scent of the wood smoke, felt a cold wind stirring her hair, and saw Spence.

When she woke up Spence was leaning over her.  She blinked back her tears.  “How can you be here?  You’re dead!”

Spence gave her a slow smile and pulled her to her feet.  He studied her carefully and brushed away her tears.  She tried to pull away from him, but he held her firmly.  “Please don’t be afraid.  I love you.”

“But you were shot.  They called me.  They said you were shot in the line of duty.”

But he only smiled and laid his hand on her shoulder.

“Please tell me what happen.”

“Nothing happened.  I love you.”

She pushed him aside.  “You chose a stranger over me.  You chose to die for a stranger.  You left me alone.  I hate you.”

He pulled her to him and kissed her.

“Spence, you left me all alone.  You’re just like my mother and father you left me all alone.”  She turned away from him and started to walk down the cobblestone road.  She didn’t know where she was going, but she couldn’t bear to be with Spence another minute.

“I love the children and you.  I didn’t want to leave.”

She turned around and the tears flowed down her cheeks.  “Why did you leave?”  She walked over to him and pounded his chest with her fists.  “I hate you – I love you.  Why did you have to leave?”

Spence drew her into his arms and embraced her tightly.  She pushed him away and wept.  This time he just let her cry.  When she finished, he handed her a handkerchief.  After she finished crying, she handed the handkerchief back to him, but he shook his head.  She put it in her pocket of her coat.

“Let’s walk!”

As they walked down the street, she saw yellow and gold leaves swirled around them.  For a while there was only the crunching of the leaves and the whooshing of the wind.  Killian felt a sense of peace she hadn’t felt since before the death of Spence.  She wished this moment could last forever.

As if sensing her thoughts Spence said aloud, “This can’t last forever.  You need to go home.”

“There is no reason to go home.  There’s nothing for me there.”

“What about the children?”

“They’re being taken care of by your parents.”

“They need their mother.”

“No, they don’t.  I made a dreadful mother.”

“You made a great mother.  April and David adore you.”

“They love their grandparents better.”

“Remember when you told me how you stood up for one of you foster sisters.”

“Yes, all it did was get me into trouble.  They sent me back to the children’s home.  I couldn’t help her at all.”

“You did help her.  You stood up to a bad man.  Cindy found the courage to speak up later and sent the man to jail for a long time.  You have the courage.  You can stand up to my parents.  Don’t treat them like the enemy.  They love the children and you.  They just want to help you.”

“They hate me.  They took the children the first chance they could.”  She knelt down in a pile of leaves.  The tears again flowed down her face.  “They want me out of my children’s lives.  I’m a failure.”

This time pulled Killian up and forced her to face him.  “You aren’t a failure.  A failure doesn’t face down a man a hundred pounds heavier then her.  I’m the failure.  I left a beautiful wife with two lovely children.  I should have found a better way of helping that woman.  A way that wouldn’t have gotten me shot.  That’s the past.  Even in my death I’ll always be with you.  You shook the drug habit once.  You can do it again.”

“I only succeeded because of you.  I need your strength.  You were my rock.  I can’t do it.”

He backed away from her.  “You don’t need my help.  You never needed my help.  I only reminded you of the strength you already had.  You did all the work.”  He turned around and started to walk away from her.

“Please don’t leave me again.”

He stopped and looked at her.  “Trust me, I’ll always be with you.”

“No, don’t leave me.”  But Spence, the leaves, and the cobblestone road faded.  Now all she saw was a blinding white light.  She tried to cover her eyes, but she found she couldn’t move.  The low murmur turned to a roar.

“Mrs. and Mrs. Turner, your daughter-in-law woke up.”

“Mommy!”  She felt a pair of hands on her arm.  When she opened her eyes, she saw April and David looking at her.  She smiled, and they kissed her.

“Mother are you going to died like daddy?” asked April.

“Don’t say that,” said David.

Killian sat up in the hospital bed and hugged both children.  “I won’t die.  She turned to the Turners.  “I know I need help, and I’m going to get it.  I appreciate you caring for my children.  After I’m finished with drug rehab, I want to take care of them again.”  She stopped when she saw their unhappy faces.  “But I’ll appreciate your help.”

She leaned back into the bed.  She remembered her dream, put her hand into her pocket, and pulled out a handkerchief.  The one Spence had given her.  She trusted him and felt his presence.