Collection 3

What colour is my brain?
Fuschia? Emerald? Aquamarine?
To you they might look one in the same
  I see swirls of gold in crystalline form
The latticework of memories
from the time I was born
  and rings of azure coated dreams
In a forest of vanilla ice cream
(Though they hide as much as they see)
  Ribbons of amber meet into coal
the tears I have wept burn into my soul
and this burgundy hue? I wear it like a mask
to envelop the guilt I bear inside
To devour the beauty (my exterior lacks)
  My mind's colour scheme
depicts all the layers
The skeleton, the flesh, the being I've become
  But my spirit, my sexuality, my secrets are lost
I must cleanse in a river of bleach for you
... but I bathe in the colours that define me
Colours that you will never see.



Relieve me from my sanity
I give you my responsibility
to hold you, to love you,
to mean the world to you...

Just try before you say we're through

I think to hard
    i disregard
The things you never say aloud
I theorize
    I prophesize
The lackluster shimmer in your eyes

Is only a clue to how you really feel.

Oh but I'm reading in too far,
Just trying to feel something real
...something deeper than a romantic moment in your car
I've built you up and you bring yourself down
...Do you reject my high opinion of you?

Or do you enjoy pushing me away when you feel you're about to drown?

My sanity has killed you and
rationality will dig your grave
if only i could get my fragile-coloured mind to behave

I testified
    I'm terrified
That you feel I overcompensate
I'm begging you
    to tell the truth
and reveal to me what I can say

What can I do?
    I'm in the way
I'm nothing more than an empty soul
waiting to drink from your bleeding heart
a parasite from the start
All that's left is an open sore
and a clot in your brain
There's no more room for me in your life... anymore.



What do you do with wasted time?
it's not a simple question
Hell... I know what I would do for a klondike bar...
I'd rob the grocery store with my hands in my pockets
Maybe wear a trenchcoat and stilettos.... for allure
I'd be the most fashionable delinquent in town
Only rivaled by the streetcorner girls
(i've always been envious of their power)

What would I do with wasted time?
Maybe the same as jesus would do.
and wonder why so many people care
what I do inside my hidden grave
What would jesus do?
Count ants? Watch grass grow? Play name that fungi?'
... but for now I wonder if i'll see jesus in hell

What should I do with wasted time?
I'll count the ifs, ands and buts
the shoulda coulda wouldas

...What if I die before I wake? and forgot to watch ricki lake?
But my tivo didn't know I died?
My cable box would overload and all my shows would not be watched...
Can I regret such a lonely life?...

Then I Should have lived my life The way i Could have if i Would have
stopped wasting time
regretting
forgetting
  re-living
  denying
    conniving
    Supplying my mind with tortured thoughts

Instead I'll waste my time with you,
My journal, my friend, my lover, my sanity
I'll waste the minutes daydreaming
About how good my life will be.


Have you ever thought of yourself as inadequate in some respect
only to find you are the most qualified?
Have you ever felt your expertise was pertinent to others,
But come to know everyone already learned it from you?
What if it took a single moment to change your entire world,
Who's to say it's for the better? but could I get any worse?

I used to rely upon perfection to define who I was inside
But since I've changed, i've made mistakes... who have I given my mask to?
Because I recognize my face... these eyes still look the same
but only deeper you will see my mind, body, and soul... unrecognizeable.

Have you ever felt out of character, by acting the same as always?
Or have you felt more in place by being someone else?
Was I an act before my time? Or am i just now in disguise?
I tell myself it's just a trick... i'll come out of hiding soon.

So who is this person I see in the mirror? I like her better than myself
Shes confident, alluring, one of a kind... shes here to steal the show.
What happened to miss 'no-personality'? What happened to the footsteps on my face?
I miss that girl i used to be... she's all I've ever known.

So how do I flaunt this new me? The one with the red-ink tattoo...
How can i match the booksmarts i've earned? I've never lived beyond school
I used to dream of love on the run, and write about pain i'd never felt.
but now that I'ved experienced all that... do I dream bigger, or live without?
I dreamt of an emotional rollercoaster... to be given the life i never could have
But now i'm here, stand clear, i'm taking control... I hope i forget how to land.
I want to crash...
burn...
feel that fire in my eyes
I want to kill the girl who lives beside me... and dream up someone new.

have you ever wondered what life would be like, if everything went to plan?
Would you be eternally happy? or resent that your future is already known?
I want to know where I'm going... no turning back...
As i walk upon this broken path... blindfolded and blindsided...
I'll seek my destination, eventually.



What if reincarnation worked through time travel?
Could your past life be a result of your future?
I introduce you to deja-vu.
Or can you meet your soulmate there?
If you die, can your soul travel back in time...
and inhabit another body at a time when your body already exists?
So can 2 souls, of the same person, inhabit the same time period, in 2 different bodies?
Could you fall in love with yourself?
Or if your soulmate a piece of you?



There is a fearless cold in my heart
where i am not afraid of the unknown
I am frozen in time and bound to my sins
but i welcome the hell
In hell i am free from you
i am free from your purity, your sanity
you are a waste of my time
you and your perfect life
I have learned not to feel
to grow numb to the cold
for it is the heat I cannot stand.


My shadows
rise and fall in the breath of the night
and sway to the firelight's melody
my shadows
blacker than darkness
absorbing the colours
that pervade the day
My shadows
are limitless and proud
growing stronger as I fade away
My shadows hold my secrets wherever I go
Listening to my confessions at night
then run away.