Burn

REPORTER
I’d like to thank you for letting me ride with you. I have to say, though, I’ve never been in a limousine quite like this one, Mr. Berkenshirehamptonson-Smythe.

MR. BERKENSHIREHAMPTONSON-SMYTHE
Nor will you again. For this hearse was specially designed by my dearly departed father for my mother. It was his gift to her on their 25th wedding anniversary.

REPORTER
Did you say hearse?

MR. BERKENSHIREHAMPTONSON-SMYTHE
Oh, yes. Stretched, of course. Fully-stocked mini-bar, naturally. But still, a hearse. Surely you noticed the compartment larger than this one behind.

REPORTER
I noticed little in the pouring rain, I have to admit. At the time, I was just glad not to have to walk to the grand opening.

MR. BERKENSHIREHAMPTONSON-SMYTHE
An observant reporter would have noticed more than the existence of a third compartment. An observant reporter would have noticed the exacting proportions of the three compartments. My mother noticed it straight away. She couldn’t miss my father’s attention to detail.

REPORTER
And the meaning behind the proportions was…?

MR. BERKENSHIREHAMPTONSON-SMYTHE
Why, the segmentation of the Megaloptera body, of course. We are, right now, sitting in the thorax of that lovely insect. Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that segmenting this hearse with the proportions of, say, an ant would have resulted in a much more pleasing appearance. But was an ant the reason my parents met? Oh no, it was over a corpse infested with so many curious Megaloptera.

REPORTER
Perhaps you should tell me a little more about your parents and we’ll leave the insectoid details to a more observant reporter with a stronger stomach.

MR. BERKENSHIREHAMPTONSON-SMYTHE
Well, as you know, my father built the Buy And Fly empire from the ground up. His father created the original convenience store in East Texas, but it wasn’t until my father added the drive-thru liquor store that business really took off. Customers didn’t mind paying extra for their pork rinds and Lone Star if it meant getting stocked up with the speed of a pit crew. Now there’s a Buy And Fly on every corner from here to El Paso.

REPORTER
And your mother, what about her legacy?

MR. BERKENSHIREHAMPTONSON-SMYTHE
At the time my parents met, my mother had eschewed her family’s business and became a coroner for the county. I suppose she was called to the scene at roughly the same time my father was. If it wasn’t for the bloated corpse of the clerk at Buy and Fly #180 in Poteet, my parents would never had met.

REPORTER
It was love at first sight, then?

MR. BERKENSHIREHAMPTONSON-SMYTHE
Hardly. My mother’s first words to my father were “Do you know what your fucking helicopter has done to my crime scene?!” Fortunately, my father couldn’t hear her over the rotating blades. By the time he could, he was hopelessly lost in her green eyes. He won her over and, in one green blink, as my father would say, 25 years had passed and he was bestowing on her this vehicle.

REPORTER
How did your mother appreciate getting a hearse for her anniversary?

MR. BERKENSHIREHAMPTONSON-SMYTHE
She loved it. And so did my father. In such a distinctive vehicle, she was instantly recognized at any of the Buy And Flys. He never had to hear her complain of bad service again. It wasn’t long before my father regretted the gift, though. She began bringing her work home with her.

REPORTER
So your mother did eventually go back to the family business.

MR. BERKENSHIREHAMPTONSON-SMYTHE
Oh yes. When her father died, she couldn’t bear to see the funeral business decay. She took over the family business and surprised everyone with her business acumen. Eventually, she discovered a way to grow the business yet still have time to get her own hands dirty. After that, she was as happy as the rest of the family.

REPORTER
I may not be observant enough to recognize the segmentation proportions of the Megaloptera, but I did notice that you referred to your father as “dearly departed” but not your mother. Is your mother still with us?

MR. BERKENSHIREHAMPTONSON-SMYTHE
Ah, yes. I am not yet used to thinking of her as gone. She is recently departed but I feel closer to her today than I have in many years.

REPORTER
Is that because you’re riding in her hearse?

MR. BERKENSHIREHAMPTONSON-SMYTHE
No, it’s because she’s just on the other side of that wall. You see, it’s her we’ll be interring today at the grand opening.

REPORTER
We’re almost there. Can you tell me more about your own business empire?

MR. BERKENSHIREHAMPTONSON-SMYTHE
Well, I’d hardly call it an empire yet. Although I thank you for that. Today we are opening only the sixth branch. I haven’t had much time to devote to my personal project since I’ve taken over both my parent’s empires but I deeply believe in it. With today’s population and fast-passed lifestyle, it just makes sense. I think my father would be proud I’ve found a way to combine both of their interests, I know my mother was.

REPORTER
I think I have enough for my article just in time. We’re here.

MR. BERKENSHIREHAMPTONSON-SMYTHE
So we are. Now if you will excuse me, I have to attend to my mother. However, if you’re interested, we can meet after the ceremony and discuss the grand opening of
Burn And Urn #7.