The Waves

It was a dreary July afternoon
some years ago now by my recollection
and yet the image is still etched deep into my mind
perhaps carved by those very same waves
which I found myself watching with such ominous fascination
on that cold and dark shadow of a day

Never ceasing, the waves thundered against a stalwart concrete wall
from on top of which I held my lonesome perch,
their surly caps rising ever higher against the vertical carpet of lichen
which was swallowed in its entirety as the tide altered it's fixations;
it being a more fickle creature than man or beast

High above, a batallion of gulls circled curiously
but in demonstrating an elementary logic which
for reasons of simplicity humans cannot seem to procure
they chose not to dare the temperamental waters
and instead remained obscured amongst the cold gray clouds,
erring with their blustery blanket as opposed
to the cold gray waters, which would
much more certainly stake their claim

Now as I stood specter to this frigid
ghost of a maritime afternoon,
I began to feel the pull of
wind's wispy fingers running their way
along my arms, tugging at the hem of
my brown corduroy jacket
beckoning me somehow toward the
solitary pier that jutted bravely outward into the cacophony
a bridge that somehow never made it
over the troubled waters
which so desperately needed to be gapped

Finding myself easily persuaded
by the coercive wind,
I began to venture out onto the rickety wooden planks
the raging tempest below showering me
with an icy spray the bitter equal of frost
and yet; going against everything
the weak dictation of rationality ever stood for
my steady footfall began to crescendo;
the powerfully manipulative impulses in my mind
ensnaring me with the certainty that something was waiting for me;
out there
at the end of man's devices
at the last gasp of this portal
to nature's domain

A thousand feet out,
after stretching onward for a seeming eternity
I finally fell against the ropes which guarded
the end of the pier, a terrifyingly simple restraint
from the volcanic ocean which stretched on achingly
for a larger distance than the eye could fathom

And there I stood
looking out into the great unknown
lone wolf;
boy amidst the sea
at any moment, a wave might have overtaken
the surface of the pier, sweeping
me off my feet and into Poseidon's cocoon
where the turbulent swells would thrash me
toss me about, drag me under, and anchor me
to my place in a watery grave
which no one would ever find

But there I was
not afraid
not angry
not sad
nor uncertain
nor confused
or even frustrated
I just was...

It was as if the the nearness of death
had boiled me down to the core of my being
stripping away all the superficial layers
I'd so delicately applied over the course
of my early years
I was suddenly sure of who I was
and where I wanted to be;
the latter was here, close to that
which revealed to me my self



Now many years have turned
since the chance events of that fateful day;
the slippery passage of time has raided
my subconscious and confiscated
the window dressings of my memory
I could no longer tell you
why I was out there alone that day
nor why I was feeling so very confused
or even exactly which fragile fragment in time
this memory inhabited
such trivialities have long since suffocated...
yet more than anything else in my recollection
it was that one particular sensation
that never fell victim
to the turning of the tides in my life

I counted myself fortunate
to have felt it even just once;
and thus never in the most
voluptuous of my dreams did
I ever ration that I might experience it again





It hearkened back to those gulls,
which soared so high in the air
avoiding through sheer logic
the allure by which I myself
was so easily tempted;

A simple logic, just as this;
one so simple that humans
in all our glorious complexities,
cannot begin to comprehend it

A random message
perhaps the luckiest I've ever received;
tired, I was suddenly stirred back to my senses
as to why, I suppose it's one of those simpler logics
and yet I felt strangely certain
the powerfully manipulative impulses in my mind
ensnaring me with the certainty that, as before,
something was waiting for me;
and somehow
I began to understand

That maybe the most powerful moments
don't have to be those
which happen on a seeming grandstand
that maybe it could be something smaller
like thoughts running through your head
a few keystrokes with which to communicate them
an emotion exchanged
quietly

I tried hard not to show it that night
how just a few simple words from you
left me feeling so completely at one
not afraid
not angry
not sad
nor uncertain
nor confused
or even frustrated

The first time I'd felt that way
I'd thought it was because
I was so close to death, but
the second time, I felt as if
I were so close to life

My mind was left in a flurry;
two extremes, almost as polar
as the way your conversation had affected me
for your words had left me with
the most curious feeling
hot and cold
racing through me at the same time
like December fire taking hold
melodic lightning coursing through my veins

So there I was
momentarily, as like years before
deprived of the layers which I'd so cautiously crafted
stripped down to the essence of my being
and certainly as before
I was suddenly sure of who I was
and where I wanted to be;
the latter was with you; close to that
which revealed to me my self



Looking back on it now,
I realize that my mind is beginning to
unravel a few of those simpler logics
even as new ones begin to confound me
as if I've somehow become more and less human
simultaneously;
for now I realize what powerful force
drew me out onto the pier
amidst the torments of that devil's day
it's not as if I were waiting for death
or life, or inspiration, or even a thrill
but rather, in a subtle turn that
took me years to comprehend
I was just waiting on someone special




- Nick