out of the depths of Hell: My time bend

I woke up today... just as I did the day before.(before? You didn't wake up just as you did the day before!) Hours pass while I move though some dissorted fragmented concept of "time".

I have a watch. A pocket watch. (oh God,! not the watch again!)
It is antique with a missing face, it has two hands (looks more like arms really). One is longer than the other,the longer, it lays rusted to the number 15. The shorter "hand" rusted to the nummm-ber 1. I ponder on this.
when did it stop?
"It stopped at 1:15"...but still the answer doesn't tell me what I want to know.
I ask again,
"It can not ever be known....time.....time?...."
does time have a place in my life... any longer?
yes...
only because those 'in' life have time,
use time,
tell time,
say,
it's time.

me myself, look at my alice in wonderland watch and say,
time
has
stopped.

time is only measurable by what my body and mind feel.....
emotion, hunger, urgency.
I do,
no longer waste something that doesn't exist.

I do,
no longer race against such a concept.
I do
no longer look at the ticking time bomb on the wall,
that has nothing to say but,
hurry up, time is a waisti'n.
I sit and think, until I feel the lure of motion, I move as I please and dream into being, my own desired reality. I listen to music... as if it were mine, made only for me. I hear it in a way that no one else ever will or ever could. I drink and eat as if it were a waist of my time, hunger is the only distress I feel associated with "time". I listen to nothingness and hear everything that exsists in this universe. The children are at recess. It is a maddening mellody of avangaurd. The sound of the planes braking the wind, the wind playing the trees like an insterment undiscovered, the low buzz of the computer, the sound of my two fingered typing. sound........ beautifully........ orchesrated......, byyyyyyyyyy .... no purposeful intentions of appreciation. Birds singing, cars, the firgerater comes alive at monents passed. I cannot capture this time. I realize the truth of time is only this very milisecond, and clossser to the trueth is that time is even smaller than that a sucking blackhole.
I woke up on a Sunday morning. I was right on time according to the schedual. I did what I did everyday before this sunday. I looked at the clock when I was finished and was asstounished by how much time I had left to do as I pleasssed before the next, schedualed activity. I slowly (you did not have coffee, you had coke!) made a cup of coffee. I went outside and sat on the chairs on the back pourch. I was welcomed by familure faces, but something had changed. I looked at them one by one. I fealt as though I had never seen them before now. It was true I had not. I couldn't see their colors, their smiles, there gleamming eyes. I could today. We spoke to eachother as if we had known who the other person was all along, but it wasn't true. How could they know me if I haddn't been able to see and recognize them? I pass out mid motion, I can feel myself fighting tostay with it I can hear the hushed voices and giggles I pick up the cup following through with the action. I realize they are lauphing at me... I suddenly remember many mid motion mid sentence blakening timelessnesses I was laughing with them. finishing the movement, action, sentences, as if no time had passed in be tweeen. I spent the day in complete aw. I bathed in the long minutes that seemed sooo e n d l e s s. I was in aw of evreything, I saw felt, heard, touched, smelled, tasted. I could'nt belive how much "time" there was in a day. The days became like lifetimes to me. each night a death, the sun rise my new life. I became infantile and frustrated with my inability to do the things I could remember doing. What had happened, where was I? Why could I not read, why can I not write, think, spell, walk, do simple tasks? DREAM? why do I feel so angery, sad, frustrated, lonely, and misunderstood? why are you speaking to me as if I know what you're talking about? Why are you blamming ME for not being here? who in hell are you? DEMONS the whole lot of you! ANGELS appear out of each demon eye. CONFUSION, WHAT DID HE SAY?? He said "I don't know all I know is they make batteries out of it" I waslaghing histaricly when he said the words....now my stomic turns inside out! My desperation to understand and be understood submerges me into fear. FEAR! But they do not hear me screaming. I'M scared! I died. Don't you know that? how could you have NOT seen it! I try to explaine, but they can't understand me. I may as well have been speaking another language. I just might have been.... they all seemed intimidated by me all of a sudden. I'm telling them..... stringing complex words together speaking as fast as they come. Looking each one in the eye saying NO, that's bull shit! each one deers trapped in headlights seeing the light but not knowing how to run. While I caould explaine fluently, legally, morally, contractually, and could catch them on ever trick in term... I could see them asking themselves where did she this new persona come from?.... a question they should have asked before! who are you really? I am a researcher JUNKY Systems are my favorite research play, I know more about this system than YOU do! More about the drugs you sponser, more about stupid book you gave me. I read the 1st chapter 10 times... the rest meant nothing to me...all it was, was someone elses interpretation of it's truth.... I read those damned agreements and am sick of your unimpecable lies! Whatever gets you through the day I tell them. THIS system is so easily broken down it amazes my toxin flooded mind! BUT it doesn't matter what I say, because if I'm right YOU must be wrong and in YOUR mind that isn't possible! I put myself in your shoes... I would do the very same thing because I threaten this institutions exsitance...and everyone of your meaningless letters following your names! NON OF WHICH has any real merrit to begin with. AND some of you don't even have those letters at all yet....students still! working under someone elses letters....DANGEROUSLY CARELESSLY SICKENING TO ME! I realize at some point and realize it now again. Thier are no words to explaine such a thing... what it was like what it fealt like to be a labotomy and what it feels like months after, still struggling to think, spell, remember, dream, write, read I feel no break in the air. I hope all the hair I lost sticks on your shoes and clogs your sinks, reminds you of me. I hope that you remember how badly I shook, how cold I kept saying I was. I hope you remember the day you couldn't wake me, and I pray that you never selfishly blind eye another dying human being again. I hope you wonder what if? because I know for a fact that I was only days away from my barrial.... you told me just the other day that my skin was grey, my eyes were clouded, my face was swollen... all you had to do is look UP! More importantly If they were to understand they would have to look in the mirror and ask the unthinkable.... did we do that to her? If they answered with truth and honesty they would have to say yes. How could they ever live with themselves knowing such a thing. knowing that thier "good" intentions was a one way road to my hell. so time.....so much time so little time to live this life. What will I live today? What will I percieve to be real and not real? Does it matter? for as long as I live it does. who does my choices affect.... anyone who recognizes my exsistance....and so many more I can never know. I realized and realize every day in momentary increaments, that I am powerful. I also realize how powerful YOU are. But do you REALIZE it for your self. looking through real eyes brings the ability to see truth in everything. What will you realize about yourself today? do you know that you did not design is place you feel trapped in? It is simply anothers design of an illusionary dream you do not have to take part in. Be the designer of your own reality. refuse to speak from anyother place but your heart. refuse to hear anything that feels like pain. Understand the power that 'lies' in every word you think speak or hear or feel. ugly...is impossible...stupid isn't true and is said out of ignorance. pitty those that live out thier lies what they say is only a reflection of how they see themselves. it is always thier problem......time lures me into the next distastfull waste of MY time... If all I have is now.... Then I really just think peeing is an unfortunate reality of a miniscule perception of time. and my rusted Alice in wonderland watch now says 1:17..................................

Nomiste'

work in progress feedback welcomed

ladysmitten