Mouldy Socks and the Three Heirs

The Story of Mouldy Socks and the Three Heirs

Once Upon a time, or to be precise when the hangover had just set in, there lived: not a princess; not a wolf in drag; nor a variety of highly emotional dwarves; or even a small man with a name far too ridiculous to mention, but a young girl named Mouldy Socks. One day Mouldy Socks decided to take a walk in the fungous forest, as you do in rural areas when there’s nothing much better to do…

Meanwhile, three heirs in a small castle nearby were leaving to commence on their numerous acts of treason in the neighbouring kingdoms.

…Anyway, Mouldy Socks was walking along, probably being stalked, when she stumbled across a rather small, shabby, Grimm looking castle. She was feeling tired after that strenuous thirty second walk and decided to stop for a rest. So, she knocked on the dead beat door and thankfully there was no answer- just as well as the story isn’t exactly great, even without any “knock-knock” jokes to advocate it.
Being a nosey parker and incredibly good lock picker, Mouldy Socks walked straight in. At the table in the kitchen there were three bowls of caviar and a jug of custard. Mouldy Socks was hungry. So, she tasted the caviar and custard from the first bowl.
“This caviar and custard is too hot” she exclaimed
So, she tasted the caviar and custard from the second bowl.
“This caviar and custard is too cold” she said.
So, she tasted the last bowl of caviar and custard.
“Ahh this caviar and custard is just right” she said happily, although she had never actually tried it before, and ate it all up.

After she had eaten the three Heir’s caviar and custard, Mouldy Socks realised she was feeling rather tired, maybe that thirty second walk again. So she walked into the banquet hall where she saw three thrones. Mouldy Socks sat on the first throne to rest her musty feet.
“This throne is too big” she exclaimed.
So she sat in the second throne.
“This throne is too high” she whined
So she tried the last and final smallest throne.
“Ahh this chair is just r…tight” But just as she settled into it to rest, the encrusted gems started to fall off and it broke into pieces!

Mouldy Socks was very tired by this time, so she went upstairs into the sleeping quarters. She lay down on the first four poster bed, but it was too hard. Then she lay down on the second four poster bed, but it was too soft. So she lay down on the third four poster bed and, ‘surprise surprise’, it was just right. Mouldy Socks fell asleep.

As she was sleeping the three heirs arrived home, after unsuccessfully committing their numerous acts of treason, angry as one of the heirs had forgotten something. They marched straight into the kitchen, but as they reached the table:
“Someone’s been eating my caviar” announced the haughty heir
“Someone’s been eating my caviar too” grieved the haggard heir
“Someone’s been eating my caviar and they’ve eaten it all up” cried the hysterical heir.
They ran through to the banquet hall:
“Someone’s been sitting in my throne” announced the haughty heir.
“Someone’s been sitting in my throne too” grieved the haggard heir.
“Someone’s been sitting in my throne and they’ve broken it all into pieces” cried the hysterical heir.

They looked around for a while for the item they had forgotten before commenting on a malodorous smell which led them upstairs into the sleeping quarters:
“Someone’s been sleeping in my four poster bed” announced the haughty heir
“Someone’s been sleeping in my four poster bed too” grieved the haggard heir
“Someone’s been sleeping in my four poster bed and they’re still there!” cried the hysterical heir.
“I think I’m going to throw up!” heaved the hysterical heir.
“Someone fetch me a peg!” yelled the haughty heir.

But at that moment the sweetest aroma engulfed the sleeping quarters as the mould encrustation of Mouldy Sock’s body began to disintegrate, much to the relief of the three heirs standing merely meters away.
“You don’t think do you?!” cried the hysterical heir.
“No way” grieved the haggard heir.
“The Custard” announced the haughty heir.

Mouldy socks had of course consumed the very custard the hysterical heir had forgotten to take to the neighbouring kingdoms to commit several acts of treason in order for the heirs to become kings. The custard had been poisoned, with a poison lethal to both kings and mould… bleach.

At that moment Mouldy Socks woke up, flabbergasted as she lifted her frock to reveal two blindingly white, spotless socks. She screamed “Thanks” as she jumped up and ran out of the room. Goldysocks ran down the stairs, opened the dead beat door, and ran away into the fungous forest- probably re-mouldifying her socks in the process.  She never returned to the castle of the three heirs.

THE END

(And I dare say that somehow: they all lived happily ever after…)

A parody of Goldilocks and the three bears, “Mouldy Socks and the three heirs” © Written by the Curious Pariah, A.K.A H.J. Blundell 2007-03-27