Conflict: Don't Negotiate w/Terrorists

Conflict Management:  I Don't Negotiate with Terrorists

**Note:  The characters portrayed in this article are a compilation of different people and circumstances.  The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I don’t negotiate with terrorists. I refuse to negotiate with terrorists. I won’t do it, even though I bump into them everyday. No, I am not some conspiracy theorist who has watched one too many Oliver Stone movies. You see, I don’t think terrorists are only the people associated with Bin Laden, Hussein, and others like the people infamously linked to 9/11 who are willing to take their own life as long as they take others with them. For me, a terrorist is someone who is trying to take my life or a life situation hostage by an insane use of power. I’ve bumped into several terrorists in my time as a pastor.

There’s Anna, a dedicated volunteer in the church office with a keen sense of hearing. If Anna gets wind of some things that are developing that she isn’t sure about, she passes around half-truths and misinformation to kill any chance of it happening. Anna does this, all the while ignoring what these actions do to her reputation or the ministry of the church she loves.

There’s Herbert, one of the pillars of the congregation who has been financially blessed to excess. Herbert is very generous in supporting the ministry of the church – as long as things are going his way. The moment Herbert perceives an injustice or gets a hint of something he disagrees with – he marches into the pastor’s office and in no uncertain terms threatens to withhold his offerings, which will financially hold the congregation hostage, until things are made right – in Herbert’s eyes.

There’s Steven, a very gifted musician, who is always willing to spend extra time arranging music and lining up vocalists and other musicians. Steven is a joy to work with, until something he wants doesn’t receive a stamp of approval. Once his ideas are not completely endorsed, Steven feels personally attacked and threatens to resign. He clearly sends the message, do things my way or you won’t like the results.

There’s Sarah, who had achieved great success climbing the corporate ladder and is used to getting her way. Sarah is one of the parents who were part of the initial meeting where an idea was launched that could change the face of a ministry for her family. The next day, she pulls me aside and says, “Ok, I was good during the meeting and I have been nice and not said anything to anyone else so far, but I don’t like your idea.” As we sit down to talk, her countenance slowly changes. The longer we talk, the more the polished professional image erodes into the frightening reality of someone who wants to rip my head off for even thinking about making changes.

Each of these people acts like a terrorist. I know that this term is shocking, especially in light of the tragedy of Martin Burnham’s death at the hands of terrorists. Negotiation was avoided in this instance and a tragedy occurred. But, we don’t know that negotiation would’ve changed things either. I also know “terrorist” is a dangerous label for God’s people, who are both saints and sinners. But, if the shoe fits wear it. If a minority view is holding the majority view hostage through rash actions and attitudes, it is terrorism.

Terrorists in the church aren’t anything new – Jesus dealt with them. Look at the Pharisees, they ate with him and talked behind his back before finally seizing the opportunity to get rid of him once and for all.

So, what do we do? How do we deal with these people who threaten to blow things apart if they don’t get their way? Jesus gives us some guidance in Matthew 18:15-17. He says, talk with them, talk with them, and talk with them some more. Bring in other people and try to get things worked out. Raise the level of awareness within the church. All of these steps are designed to take away the veil of secrecy that enables their terrorist behavior to exist. Finally, if things don’t work get worked out – “treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector” (Mt. 18:17, New Living Translation). How did Jesus deal with pagan’s and tax collectors? He continued to stay connected to them without endorsing their wicked behavior, a very challenging thing to do.

I’ve learned that many of these “terrorists” are good people who honestly have the good of the church in their heart. They believe they are acting in the best interest of others while they struggle to keep life within their comfort zone. Yes, there are those people who are truly looking out only for themselves, but I would like to think they are in the minority. I’ve found that giving in to “terrorists” doesn’t work in the long run. It only continues to empower and fuel their over inflated egos and satisfies their insatiable need for power and control. These “terrorists” are like raging adolescents who continue their search for boundaries. They will continue their pattern of abuse until they run up against a solid boundary.

I’m learning to define those boundaries while being assertive without being reactive. Many times, I end up taking long pauses or getting away for a time of reflection, resisting the reptilian urge to strike back with the deadly force of “But, I’m the Pastor!” I’m learning to pick my battles and battlegrounds carefully. The ride can still be quite wild, riding the emotional roller coaster down the smooth straightaway of schmoozing thru the turns of tears to the plunge of panic filled with screaming and shouting. Ultimately, God is still God and He will make things right, even with terrorists, in the end.