Feels Like I've Been here Before

My name is Scotty. I’m 19 and I’m not sure why I’m writing today. I feel as if I have slipped into purgatory, and have decided to inaugurate the day as a waste, and during which, I shall not seek social interaction, at least until the craters on my chin heal up. After lying between the covers until 1:30 in the afternoon, trying to sleep off the cheap alcohol from the night before, I finally decided to get up and satisfy my urge of hunger. I had a salad and a pop tart which… seeing as the choices were between the two, cereal, ramen noodles, a few crushed up baked lays, and a jar of peanuts, the meal selection only won by default. Once I had eaten, I went to back to my bedroom where I sat in front of my computer screen for 4 hours. It might be safe now to conclude that I am unemployed at the moment. This detail has afforded plenty of down time to think, which I only consider a vicious cycle of regret and dismay. The times that I get to think, are simply times when I am able to insult myself and critique every detail about my life in comparison as to how the media has suggested. As well, a time for me, because of my boredom and ADD combined, to usually be overwhelmed with a negative mood. One off-putting personal quality that has been plaguing me is one that is quite difficult to describe. This quality has to do with my ability to perform. Any performance that I so feel pressure to do, seems to slip through my fingers. My anxiety seems to engulf my confidence on tasks that I used to be extremely proficient, but now seem to be missing various abilities. For example, I was once told that I was the best writer that my professor had ever seen, I now see that this is not a talent that I can switch on and off. It is only something that erects if I truly have nothing else of interest going on in my life. Only to dwindle away as I become self conscience about the pressure of its success and choke, or loose interest to some form of temporary lust and materialistic subject.