My First Entry

Mom's having a hard time, Sammie. You cry a lot at night. Not all the time. But last night you cried so hard that you made yourself throw up -- AGAIN. Daddy wasn't here. He seems to be the only person who can calm you down. That does make me feel a little stupid and inept but it also makes me happy because Daddy makes you calm and peaceful and that, in turn, makes me feel much better. He finally got home at 2:00 a.m. and you magically stopped crying and went right to sleep. Aunti Cari said we should spray Daddy's cologne on a bear or something so you can snuggle that when you get upset. The pediatrician even suggested making a tape of Daddy's voice to calm you. Seems like an awful lot to go through to calm a baby who isn't even four weeks old!

On that subject, tomorrow you will be four weeks old. Hard to believe. Mom may have to go to the doctor and get some meds to calm down a little bit. Unfortunately, snuggling a teddy bear spritzed with Daddy's cologne isn't going to be enough for me! :) I find myself losing my patience with you and that's NOT what I want at all. Auntie Lee said meds will make things easier to deal with. I'm skeptical about that, but I'm willing to try anything to make sure that I'm a great mom to you because that's what you deserve. It's not your fault that you cry a lot -- you're just a little baby. That's what babies do -- they cry. I continue to pray for guidance and strength.

Gotta go. You're in your basinette (a place you see very little of) and you're starting to fuss.

I'm back. I held you the whole time, but you cried so hard for so long you knocked yourself out. I don't know how I feel about that. But it has given me a nearly two-hour break.

I keep waiting for this overwhelming love to wash over me. It hasn't happened yet. Does this mean that I am and will be a bad mother? I don't think so, but why do some women feel it and others don't? What is the nature of loving your child? What is enough? How long should you wait for things to "kick in"? Do you even deserve to have a child if you have to wait for it to "kick in"? It was so much easier, Samantha, when I was pregnant with you -- you were "invisible" and had no voice. I felt overwhelmed with love for you every day then. Now, I can't stop crying and I'm not even sure if I like you, much less love you. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?