The Story of Us

Sometimes it is easier when there is someone else. It is easier when it is bad first. Because if it hasn't been bad and there isn't someone else then the only person you have to blame is yourself.
That is one of the worst feelings there is, what is wrong with me? What could I have done differently? It is at times like these that the answer is nothing. This can be the hardest answer at all.
At those fateful words: I'm leaving you. It is a bit like dying. Instead of your life flashing before your eyes moments of your life with that person flash in your mind, vivid and painful, it feels like these moments are being taken from you and are being played too fast to take in.
That first look where you knew he was going to be the one. His eyes were sharp and his smile sent your stomach dropping to the floor. His teeth were extra white against that back-to-school tan and you caught his excitment while silently thinking this was the person who was going to make this year better.
The first kiss. Awkward because it was new. The first time you saw him nervous as he leaned back and looked questioningly into your eyes for your response. And the look of surprise on his face when you took his stubbled chin in your hands and returned his kiss.
The first amazing kiss where time ceased to exist. This is the one where he help you tight enough that you knew he didn't want to let you go.
The first time he wrapped you in a hug as tears spilled down your cheeks. His warm mouth found your ear and he told you he thought you were amazing. He took his big, calloused hands and wipped the tears from your eyes so you don't remember anymore what had made you cry.
The first time you slept together. The time you first opened yourself to him and gave him every part of yourself. The moment he looked down at your exposed flesh and he ran his hands down your arm as you shivered, looked into your nervous and questioning eyes and told you you were beautiful.
The first time you had amazing sex. The time the water fell hot and wet from the shower head pouring over your naked bodies. He held you in his strong arms and kissed you with water running down your faces. This was the time you discovered what it meant to feel absolute pleasure. And afterwards when he dropped a kiss on your shoulder and began to wash you with the soap in his hands.
The first time he introduced you as his girlfriend in a proud voice.
The first fight when you cried and wondered how he could make you feel so much pain.
The first time you made up. When he brought flowers with his head bowed saying he was sorry.
The first time he said he loved you and that he had never known anyone like you. The way your heart seemed to fill as you hugged him and felt like you could never be close enough. The return answer jumped from your lips without thought. You held eachother and knew this was what it would be like to be happy together.
The time you lay beside a roaring fire for hours legs and arms entwined, not speaking but just enjoying being beside each other before mounting the stairs to bed and assuming the sleeping position you always did in which you were always touching and holding hands.
The times you waited and he didn't call.
The joy on his face when you came back from vacation early and crawled into his bed.
The anger at the note you found to that other girl.
The laughing of a shared joke.
The time you needed him to understand and he couldn't.
The time he told you he was proud of you.
They all flash by as you try and look for answers. Why is he doing this? Why is he taking this feeling away? Why is he leaving me when he knows I need him? Tears spill down. You don't recognize the person in front of you. This is not the person you have just seen in your mind. This person has blank eyes which are pleading with you to tell him you're ok. This is the one thing you cannot say. You can barely handle him watching you cry. Why doesn't he feel it? Why can't I see his pain? I need to see his pain! Feel his pain, know it is equal to my own.
You ask him to leave so he can't see you this raw. He back turns and he closes the door. It isn't until he leaves that you realize he wont open it again and that the person who has the power to make everything ok has just walked away.