Chapter one...No Title yet

No Matter how easy it seems to be on the outside looking in, honey let me tell you it is not that easy,

yes girl I am talking about motherhood.  Women make it look so easy while I know it's not well it was

not for me anyway.  Most of the mothers that I have seen out with their families Look like they just

stepped off the cover of some Parenting Magazine, they really look like they got all of the glitches

worked out, I have one question, What Happened to Me? I really think something is wrong with me or

my made up parenting skills that I have made up for the NEW AGE Mother's ( that is what I was

going to be, nothing like my mom at all) well Lets take at look at where that has gotten me.......

Somewhere between changing diapers, giving baths, cooking dinner and trying to be a good Godly

wife, I found out that I lost me!!!!!, and worst than that my relationship with GOD was dwindling

away.  How could this be I grew up already knowing that you hold close to GOD and family I mean

come'on I am like a poster child for a strong Christian family, I grew up in a family with a

grandmother and grandfather that was always in church studying the word of GOD and applied it to

their own children and the children sent it on to their kids also, and now it was my time, and I was

messing it up.  I have been so busy worrying about everyone else but me.. that I Lost all of what I was

taught while growing  up, in  only just a few short years of being a mother I am a mess...


I have had to just sit down and think of all of the things that I once wanted out of life and that I have

put on pause because I feel drained through the day, I do not get into the bed until
really late at night or early in the morning because I have so many things that I have to do, and that alone time that I have wanted alday has just become available and I think I am going to take it, My husband is at work and the kids are in the bed... Thank you Jesus for allowing me to have this time. Hmmm I guess I will  get on the computer or sit up and watch T.V.  No I will just take that Long hot bath with lots and lots of bubbles that I have been thinking about all day, because any other time I cannot go to the bathroom by

myself anyway.. what is up with that, they want to be in there no matter what you are doing and when

the door is locked, they stand outside the door and ask you hundreds of questions, for example what

are you doing, are you coming out soon or can I come in, I cannot seem to grasp what it is they think

really goes on in the bathroom when they are not in there.

Most of the time I want to call on calgone to take me away, but as I open my mouth to call on calgone I

end up hearing something in my house break, WHY ARE THEY UP????????? This is suppose to be

my time.. I do not think in my whole life I have crossed the path that I was so needed  so much and it

is blowing my mind, not in a good way at this point, but I hope that I can flip the being needed and

turn it into something positive in my life and not keep me feeling like I am in a hostage situation, and

noone is going to pay the ransom.  That is the way I feel when I am called upon now..that once  sweet

sound of Mom or Mommy that I once  yearned to hear was taking on a sadistic sound in my head, and

I needed to get rid of that feeling after they are sweet kids right?  Well at least out in public they have a

lil bit of home training, well at least that is what My mother called it. Remember you are to act right in

public or it is on when we got home..Most of the time it was On for me, what made me think it was

going to be any different for my kids?

I was so afraid to go to someone about what I was feeling, because I had seen so many other mother's

and most of the time single mothers be able to hold down the fort and balance the life of motherhood

and being a wife without all of the chaos that I was going through.. hmmm something is really fishy

and I am going to get to the bottom of it... and I mean RIGHT NOW!!

When looking back on my childhood I  can remember the balance that my mom had while raising my

sister, bother and I she worked a full time job, cooked & cleaned and still had time to raise us and take

us to church... there were many nights she went to sleep without eating just so that we could eat, even

tho there was enough left for her to have a plate she left it over for us because she knew that at least

one of us were going to ask for a lil more and she did not want to say No to us... and when we went to

bed that night  she began to clean up the kitchen,  and many many times she went to bed with no food

at all... Talk about Balance, I wanted to learn all I could from her, but did not want her to know that I

was going through some hard times, because I had a husband at home, but he had to work, he was the

one that kept the insurance on us, paid the bills, kept food on the table and clothes on our back, all I

had to do was just  keep the house clean and take care of the kids..... Dang I thought of myself as a

failure all the while I was getting bigger and bigger... the weight piled on, HEY!!!!!! I thought stress

was suppose to knock off the pounds, again for me I guess I messed that up also because I was getting

bigger and bigger... I think this is when the Doctor lets you know you are going through a

depression....  oh well that something else to add to my life of dysfunction... 

My mother was not going to stop and give up just because she was barely making it at one time in her

life, she was going to make sure she did not have times like that ever again, she reminds me of the

woman in the bible that had the issue of Blood. Luke 43-48, she gave all the money she had going to

the doctors trying to get healing and they could not do it, but she was not going to stop. She as well as

my mother knew about a man named Jesus and they knew that any problem or situation that they were

going through only Jesus could deliver  them... and they did not stop or give up! The kept on pressing

on.

That is the one thing I kept in my mind is they were delivered and I knew that I was going to be

delivered also.  One thing that I did not do was make time for GOD, I went through my day and made

sure that my kids were up and that they were getting ready for school and when I had time for myself I

spent it sleeping... Imagine that!!!!!  Time for me was just that, time for me, but to my mother it was

her time to sit down or get on her knees and Pray to her Heavenly Father, I needed to get where they

were, I just needed to know how I could really pencil GOD in.  I know you are sitting there thinking

oh my goodness, she is treating GOD like he needs an appointment, and you are so right that is what I

was doing, and I knew better, really I did I was not raised like that at all but I have drifted away and I

knew I needed to start somewhere, Okay here it goes..

While washing my dishes after all the kids were at school I decided to talk to GOD and let him know

that I needed him, and only he can bring the balance in my life I told him all of my burdens and my

struggles. The one thing that I did know was that I was in bondage  and that I needed to get out of it,

the  verse in the bible that came to me was, Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek

and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For My yoke [is] easy, and my burden is

light. Matthew11 :29-30

The first thing that also came to my head was a lil feedback from GOD and it was Hold on to your

seats... Obedience.. I do not know if you remember this or not but ummmm, I was saying that earlier

  that I needed to be more obedient and wow, GOD had just confirmed it to me in that time that I had

opened my mouth to pray....In other words I JUST GOT SERVED!!!!!! 

The thought that came in my mind that had me so excited and I began dancing right there, it was the

Dance of Praise to the Lord... I STILL HAD MY CONNECTION with GOD.  Now that I still have it I

need to start taking steps to get back on the right road, and raise my kids to really know GOD and what

HE has in store for them...