Wrong Trip

Have you ever thought to yourself,
absently doing anything in life,
what would happen if you just broke out of
yourself and did something both terrible and radical?
∞
  Is how long you have to live before you come to that
pivotal point in your life. Until then, there’s hope. After that,
only a feeling of hope, and no validation. Isn’t that all hope is?
A feeling with no validation.

It began on a visit to a writers’ convention.
It ended shortly after.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The beginning

  There is, and always will be a beginning.
It’s where we set it that’s important.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Wrong plane

  For me, and for us, this beginning is set at the Philadelphia airport.
Ugh, airports. The infestation is spreading. In all directions.
People in all directions. I hate the feeling.
I suck in my surroundings involuntarily, become my environment.

  Now I’m exhaustion, anxiety, fear, hope, loss, hope, apathy, hope,
new beginnings and travel.
  The end of the line is never at an airport. I keep moving.
  Waiting, waiting, waiting. Sitting, waiting, listening, absorbing.
As humans we are liquid, fluid, ever-in-motion, planes/vessels of our own.
We’re already everywhere. Why do we travel?
We want to make it real. Tangible, material, breakable.
∞
  Is how long I’ve been here, waiting
for my ride to the tangible. I want to feel it,
taste it, smell it, embrace it.  Break it.

  Moving space into time is not as
easy as it might not seem.

  Sitting, waiting, listening, hoping, hope.
Hopefully we’ll leave soon.

Ring, listening, Ring, watching, Ring, waiting.
  Click, hello?, yes. Call received, taking me backwards,
morphing my surroundings with her humanity.

  Tell me to look, looking more, I pick out strangers,
stranger things have happened, eyes all around.
Girl with hat, woman’s frizzy hair, friend’s snobby attitude.
Click, Goodbye, Click, I’ll call you, Click, I love you. Click.
                                                                Goodbye.

We board the plane, wrong plane, right, no right plane, now I’m here,
anxious there.
                      Let’s get moving.
Stalling, wait, Stalling, wait.
  I have a window seat, the view is stagnant. Man sits next to me.
Middle aged, snobby, seems nice, consceited, seems nice,
perfectionist, seems nice, the guy’s a prick.

Cuando nos vamos a ir?
Nunca. Ya estamos aqui.

Waiting,      , waiting,    , waiting.
Man leaves, opportunity arose, to
skip his flight and help someone else in a hurry, on the run.
Seems nice, he just wants the prize, another free flight,
Good for one year.
  Woopdie-fucking-doo.

Waiting, empty seat, waiting, empty seat, waiting, woman comes.
  Middle aged, outgoing, seems nice, talkative, seems nice, religious,
seems nice, she’s really fucking annoying.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Wrong flight

  Woman keeps talking, I try to be polite, She keeps talking.
I’m losing all hope.
∞
  I look away, out my window.
She apologizes for stalling the flight. I forgive her as if it’s
my right to speak for everyone else like some damned politician.
I look out my window, we’re moving. Blah, yes, Blah, ok.
Maybe I’m keeping this conversation going because I myself am
already lonely, so soon.

  We’re moving, it’s ok.

We’re rolling, moving, I feel a shudder, we’re flying.
It’s our determination that got us airborne.
Those wings must be for show.

  Ears pop, stomach  churns, I’m not vomiting.
Good sign, I’m not vomiting.
I usually do on these things.
Maybe there’s hope after all.
The air already smells dead, stale, stuffy.
  I’m suffocating. Stewardess comes around,
asks if I want food. I say no impulsively,
I’m thinking I’ll have to pay for it.
I wouldn’t have had to.

  Woman keeps talking, Jesus buttons on her bag I notice.
It’s not her religion that bothers me, It’s the type of person she is--
Cookie cutout born again. She was in a car accident, fell asleep at the wheel.
Broke her back when she hit a tree.
Now she limps, and her left hand is paralyzed and useless.
Maybe her arms not all that’s useless now.

  She says God saved her, and
is willing to die behind that.
I don’t argue, just agree and smile.
  The logic confuses me.
God was the one that made her fall asleep.
God put that tree there.
God doesn’t need praise to be happy.
He’s god, for god’s sake.

  Overhead screens unfold, they’re selling us stuff.
Didn’t I pay $400 for this flight? You want more?
No, I don’t want to buy headphones to I can listen to your goddamn movie.
  I’ll use my own.
I got lucky, mine plugged in.
  Way to stick it to the man.
I saved five bucks.

  Movie plays, I’ve never seen it.
It seems good enough, I watch.

  Piss break.

Woman’s asleep, I wake her.
Squeeze past. have to piss, wait in line,
gotta piss, man comes out, whew.
  Come back out, people waiting.,
squeeze back into my seat, whew.
  I forgot to wash my hands
  I hope I don’t die.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------In comes Land


  It came to me, I didn’t go to it.
Just because it’s bigger
doesn’t make it right.
  The airport arrives, we wait,
get off the plane,

          Denver airport, this place is huge.

Home is where the heart is.
Bags? Check.
Books? Check.
Heart? Check.
I guess I must be home.

to be continued…