Avid thoughts

Jonathan Perez


I stood in front of the window slowly puffing my cigarette placed on my right hand. I hate life, I casually thought to myself. How could I love such a horrible thing called life, when nothing good ever comes my way. I stood there briefly reminiscing about the happy times I had with Rupert and Cyndi. Thinking on it now, I actually could not believe that they were gone. I took another hit of my cigarette. It was like a good comfortable stretch that caused me to become slightly light headed. This so called “cancer stick” was truly a man’s modern marvel. I stood leaning half way out the front window with my torso sticking out taking in this brief pleasant moment, when suddenly I heard the door behind me creak open. When I turned around to view what it was, I saw the dark figure of my father.

“What the fuck are you doing,” he bellowed as he stormed toward me. I stood quiet, at lost of words.
“First I have to deal with you being a fag, and now this shit!” he screamed at me as he passed my queen size bed now three feet away from me. At these words, I was in total shock. Anger began to take over me, but I did not want to lash out for I knew it would be nothing but trouble. In my state of mind, I replied to him as gay as I could, “I didn’t know I was such a big problem”. At this, complete and utter fury began to take over him as he lunged toward me and started cursing at me.
“Who the fuck do you think you are talking to me that way you fucking shit bag!” he roared at me as he ruthlessly pushed me. I nearly fell out of the window as my cigarette slipped from my hand and into the gutter. My father placed both his hands around my neck, slowly sliding my body out the window, and harshly banging my head against the roof of my two story house. He continued to curse at me screaming at the top of his lungs. I paid no mind for my attention was now on the incredible pain around my neck. Tears began to form and fly from my face for I could not take this pain any longer. I wished that I had been the one to die in that car crash – not Rupert and Cyndi. I wished that I was the one who had committed suicide – not Josie. I wished that I was the fortunate one to have left for Russia – Not Anna. Suddenly my father cruelly released me with an unsympathetic push, which drove my body roughly back as I now slid down the roof. Fear began to take over me as I was helpless to prevent my body from falling. I thought quick and tried to grab the gutters but my hand had crushed the still lit cigarette which caused a burning sensation. My hands set it self away from the gutters as to stop sting. I was now sliding backwards as I felt my butt finally slip away from the roof. My body twists and turned to its front side. I could see nothing but the world around my move in hasty circles. Then I hit the ground with my head the last to fall with what felt like a hard bang. I laid there feeling every part of my body ache with intense soreness. It was like having rocks thrown at me puncturing every part of me.

I lied there with my eyes full of tears; I felt my face turn hot because of the throbbing as I tried to get up. From out my bed room window I heard my mom wail in sheer sadness, confusion, and anger. “What the fuck is your problem?” I heard her shout at my father.
“Fuck you, I’m tired of this shit, I can’t deal with this fucking kid anymore!” he barked back at her.
“What the fuck did he do?” she cried back.
“I fucking caught him smoking. And I can’t handle his fucking faggit shit!” he screamed back. At this I could sense my mother’s sadness rise as it did earlier when I revealed to my parents the true me. While lying on the floor, I could hear her begin to cry. Then suddenly, emptiness took over me. I began to lift myself up, ignoring the pain my body felt. It was hard for me, for every joint felt like someone thrusting sticks into them. I humped my back as I got to my knees. My back felt as if someone had punched me hard. I then staggered to my feet and began to walk. It was difficult for me to maintain balance for my legs felt as if they would not support my body. I toddled on, disappearing into the shadows of the still night.