Clouds on a Rainy Day

Clouds on a Rainy Day

What a Saturday.

Thin drops of the icy rain pound the window and slide down. I watch them, letting go of the numbness of my body, my thoughts and any feelings I have left and infuse them in the tears of Heaven. They slid fast and drift away. I don't know whether to take it on or not; nothing seems like looking at anymore

Today, the 16th of April -this Saturday- is one of those days I find myself here, without a book in my hand or a feeling in my body. Jason, my very-distant boyfriend, drives through the rain and watches the curve of the funeral home stone path carefully, following it to a particular tombstone. I chose to visit it this Saturday for a reason- it was time for good-byes, even though it pains me to think of those words. I've memorized the syllables, the constents and vowels- I've teased the word with my tongue like a child eating a peppermint, studying, testing, chewing and spitting out. The peppermint must be old and stale, I think to myself with a chuckle. All I can taste is the effect of sour in my throat.

I can tell Jason doesn't even want to be here. He would rather be at home, pampering himself and kissing his reflection. Although one could be fasinated, almost enchanted with such animalistic behavior out of a human being, there is no spell behind the mask. It's all a game- a game of who can become more beautiful within a space of a few hours. I hold back the snort that rises to my lips. Not such a good idea, I remind myself.

"Here it is." Jason grunts, slamming on the brakes. He uncovers his watch. "You have five minutes, understand?" I decide it's best not to argue with Jason's decisions, just for my safety, and I nod silently, my own neck feeling like brittle slowly breaking. Opening the door and the umbrella over my head, I look out inf ront of me. The rain is light and the sky is dark, but Heaven decides to look in on me and windows of dull light appear. The door shuts and I grip the handle of the protection over me, turning my knuckles white. What makes so afraid? Is it because I know I hurt the person beneath my feet more than words can describe? My five minutes is ticking, so I hurry to the tombstone, my black ugly shoes sloshing in the grass and mud. I stand in front of it and read the words with my eyes while I recite them from my heart:

Here Lies Carson Evans

Beloved Friend, Brother, Son, and Grandson

October 9th, 1986- April 16th, 2004

But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God and the dead in Christ shall rise first Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

I feel warm tears graze my cheeks. Those words still hurt me, even two years later. On this day, Carson Evans, the man I will always love, even in his death, died instantly when a semi-truck hit the driver's side of the car and took the whole left side off, with him inside. He was only 18 years old. When I heard the news, it was the middle of the night. I was with Jason and a couple of friends when I got that call that Carson had died. It never occured to me I would miss someone this much. For weeks after the funeral, I had nightmares about how his death went- all too painful and gruesome to repeat.

Right now, I feel the need to crawl into a hole and just die.

I get to my knees and put the unbrella aside, putting out what little pride I had left for this one moment.

"Hi...Carson." I say quietly, touching the bible verse on his tombstone with my cold fingers. My voice sounds foreign, weak, not mine. "It's me...Jenny." A bird chips in a tree. I feel tears sting at the rims of my eyes and spill over, but I continue. "It's...it's been...two years now since the accident..." The tears pour from my cheeks as I talk, holding back the quivering as best as I can.

"I'm doing ok...Jason and I are still dating...have been for 2 and a half years..." I scoot closer to the tombstone. I can feel the dirt and grass damaging the knee part of my pantyhose. "Oh, Carson..." Now I'm really sobbing, trying to stop my quivering lip. "I'm so sorry I cheated on you. I...I'm a horrible person. Jason does nothing for me except give me bruises the size of cantalopes-" I pull down the shoulder of my shirt to show the tombstone the black-and-blue bruise Jason gave me last week for a reason I choose not to remember.

"I was WRONG, Carson." I barely acknoledge I'm now hugging the tombstone. "So WRONG. I gave up the best thing that ever happened to me- you. You have been the reason I keep on living. If it hadn't of been for the promise, I would be DEAD! Do you hear me????" I beat my head against the hard concrete, the pain passing my by. "DEAD!" Silence, except for the tears I've been holding back. I can feel the birds' stares burning into the back of my skull.

"I keep on remember when you found me with Jason in my car that night." I hear myself whisper. "Every time I do, I...I just want to make it right. You know, go back in time. Like Marty and Doc in 'Back to the Future'. Do you remember those movies? We..." I sniffle. "We used to watch those movies together on Date Night, if you don't. I watch them every...every chance I get now. They comfort me, you know." I know time is running out; I decide to skip the crap and just say what I need to.

"So, I..." I trail off, tracing the Bible verse with my numb fingers. "Came to say I'm sorry and...and that..." I just say it. Jason can't hear from where he's standing in this light drizzle. "I lo-"

"JENNY!!!!!!" I jump in surprise at Jason's commanding voice rippling across the graveyard. "YOUR FIVE MINUTES IS UP!!! GET IN THE CAR!!!" I pry my hands away from that comforting stone and start to pick myself up, but before I get up completely from the wet, somewhat warm Earth, I say quietly:

"I love you, Carson. Please...forgive me." I try to dry my tears as fast as possible as I head back to Jason's car, hoping he isn't angry for staying too long. He's more annoyed than mad. The silence is a threat against my will.

"Get in the car." He growls, slamming open my door and pointing a long, pale finger to my seat. For the first time in a long time, as long as my memory goes back, I want to scream 'NO' , right smack in his face, but I know if I do that, I might not even recover from what results.

I obey like a lap dog, sliding into my seat, saying nothing. I'm looking out the window at the tombstone as the car purrs in the drizzle and starts to move down the cobblestone pathway to the exit. I am never allowed to see the tombstone again- I know this from the raging aura coming off of the man sitting next to me as he stares hard at the blurry road, navigating slowly to the exit.

Suddenly, I feel a warm presence by the window and turn to it. It's Carson...and he's smiling upon me from the gray sky as the Heavens cry. His gentle brown eyes fix on my face, testing my self-control as I try not to cry out to him. Somehow, I manage and just press my fingers to the foggy window to acknowledge I saw him.

Too soon as we leave the resting ground of the dead, he fades back into the gray, the world suddenly becoming dark again. I sigh and look away.

As someone once said, the rain could never wash away the love you feel for a person or the person's presence from your life. And they're right. The love I have for Carson will never die, this thread of a hope I can hang onto. I'll grow to an old lady, bruises eating away at the creamy white skin on my body, showing me daily the mistakes of my past, present and future, the proof all around me every day. The heart inside me, though, will never stop beating strong and true. The essence of the first love will still be coded in my blood, every day pumping gallons of love that will never go to waste for someone else, not even Jason. My soul will forever be tattooed with the loving words, memories and poems of Carson. He was a good man, and a good man will never stay down, no matter how hard he's hit.

In the morning, he's the first thing I think about; at night, the last spirit I say good-night to; In Heaven, he'll be the first person I look for and the first person I'll truely smile for in many years. Until then, I'll keep the promise he made me swear my Mama's grave on:

Jen, promise me one thing: if I die first, promise me you'll live; you won't give up on life! You'll go on and I'll watch you from the sky above...

And I'll honor that, now and forever. Until then...

I'll only see Carson's face in the gray clouds on a rainy day. And that's good enough for me.