Skinny

Monday, December 11th

78

That is my goal. That is the number I need to be.

92

That is the number I am. Fat and gross.

This morning I ate:

- 3 carrot sticks/30 calories
- 8 ounces of hot water with 1 packet of Sweet-N-Low/possibly up to 5 calories
- 1 cracker with mustard/30 calories

total: 65 calories

*I know it is probably a little less, but it never hurts to overestimate!
**Anything with 0 calories counts as 5 just to be safe.

I did:

130 crunches to burn off the evil fat

Honestly, part of me hates myself. I am a smart girl. I know I am sick. I can't control myself. The desire to be skinny is soooo much bigger than any logic I have...or used to have. It's getting worse too. Now I feel anxious and guilty even when I drink diet Coke.

My mom makes me see Dr. Frank. He specializes in eating disorders. I like him, but I have to lie to him. I go twice a week and get weighed in a gown and panties. This is awful, but I secretly feel superior when they don't realize I put a rock in my underwear. Every time they don't notice I feel like I have won.

I have a routine:

1. When I get to his building, I go to the bathroom in the hall on the 2nd floor (his office is on the 3rd floor).

2. I use a measuring cup (kept in a hidden compartment in my backpack) and drink 8 cups of water from the faucet. It's not an easy thing to do, but I practiced.

3. I go into a stall and get out "Gertrude". She is a rock that is smooth and weighs 2.1 pounds (every little bit helps). I keep her strerilized (I boil her) and safely sealed in a Ziploc bag (in the same compartment in backpack). Twice a week I put her in my underwear for my 45 minutes at the doctor. I had to practice walking with Gertie in my room for awhile, until I could do it well enough to look natural. Luckily, most of this time is just sitting.
*Gertie also helps me by making my backpack heavier thereby burning more calories!

The staff at the clinic are so naive though. No one has noticed! It's weird to write this, but I feel like my eating disorder is a secret friend I have. She understands me like no one else. I need to give her a name too.

Wednesday, December 13th

78

That is my goal. That is the number I need to be.

92

That is the number I still am. Lazy slob, no progress. Obese.

Sorry for missing yesterday, but since Monday morning I have eaten:

- a total of 8 crackers dispersed through 6 meals. All with mustard/240 calories
- 10 carrot sticks/100 calories
- 8 glasses of plain water/40 calories
- 1 diet Coke/5 calories
- 1/2 cup of light vanilla yogurt/45 calories
- 1 piece of awful lasagna my mother forced me to eat/500 calories or more AND the reason I am still FAT.

total: 930 calories (shameful)

I did:

300 crunches
80 jumping Jacks
ran in place for 25 minutes

I can't believe I have not lost weight in 2 days!!! I am so gross and lazy. I need to eat LESS. This is my mother's fault for forcing me to eat lasagna. She is so cruel. I am 16 years old and should have the right to eat what I want. I cannot let her win!

I am getting a little scared because when I got up from doing crunches last night I think I passed out. I started to stand up and then next thing I knew I opened my eyes and I was lying on the floor looking up at my ceiling. I am a tiny bit worried, but I don't want to tell anyone. A little part of me thinks it's cool too.

The reason I want to be 78 is because of a girl named Lauren. She is amazing. She weighs 78 pounds. I met her the last time I was in a treatment center. She was the skinniest girl I was in treatment with. Very good at being sneaky. I wish I knew how she did it. I am not even in the 80's yet. I adore Lauren. She is like the princess of anorexia to me. One thing that is kind of sad though, she is only 16 and she has already had a heart attack! She is okay now though. I hope that never happens to me.

Sometimes, I just wish I could disappear altogether. My eating disorder is all I think about. I am always planning new ways to eat less calories, burn more calories, fool my parents and the doctors and hopefully,one day...be the skinniest girl in the world!

My friends totally do not understand me. They have gotten so mean. Right now I am happier just being in my room with my eating disorder than being with them. Oh yeah, I was going to give it a name. It is definitely a girl, because she can be a real bitch sometimes! I think her name is...Magdalena. I like that. It sounds mysterious, possibly cruel, and yet beautiful.

Thursday, December 14th

My progress report will go at the end today because I need to VENT!!!

I hate Dr. Frank and his stupid nurse whores! They found Gertrude. How could I be so stupid?! I was walking into his office and she slipped. I had a skirt on and she hit the tile so hard it cracked. Now they want me to go inpatient. I don't want to go inpatient. I want to lose weight! It's like they are trying to punish me. They will only lose if they try to force me. They have no idea how good I can be at not eating.

I HATE MY BODY!!!

People are so ignorant about eating disorders. They think we just want to look like supermodels. They are so clueless. Even supermodels look fat to us. Fat is evil.

My parents are such non-understanding plebians. My dad thinks the "stern" approach will heal me. He is so unbelievable! A part of me would like to stop spending every second of my life thinking about food and my body, but being harsh and distant is not going to help me.

He said, "Honey, I am disappointed in you."

What the hell! Like I planned to do this or something. I am so disappointed in him! Like he even cares anyway. He has never even asked me why. I wish I could stop loving to lose weight more than my love to play soccer, or even live. I used to play soccer. It was my life. I lived for the game. Now I am too sick to play. There's a war in my head and Magdalena is winning. I hate her and I love her. I wish she would go away, but it seems like now she is all I have. I can't control her anyway.

78

That is my goal. That is the number I need to be.

90

That is the number I am. Progress soon to be destroyed by going inpatient.

I have eaten:

- 2 toasted saltine crackers with mustard (I think toasting reduces the calories but I'm not sure so they still count as 30 each to be safe)/60 calories
- 1 apple/70 calories
- 3 grapes/15 calories
- I put a gummy bear in my mouth and chewed it, but felt guilty so I spit it out/5 calories

total: 150 (Good job you're making progress!)

I did:

300 jumping Jacks
ran in place for 30 minutes