My Search for a Garden Gnome

I was recently transferred across the state. Unfortunately, Lucky the Garden Gnome accidently got left behind. So now I am in search of a new gnome to adorn my porch. Lucky was a Fred Meyer special. After I bought him, garden gnomes suddenly went out of style and I have had no luck in finding him a companion. So this entry is dedicated to the memory of Lucky. May I find a Lucky Jr. somewhere?
So you might ask yourself, what do you look for in a Garden Gnome? I am very particular about the gnomes I allow into my house.
1) They have to be tacky. I prefer a Gnome playing an instrument or happily wheeling a wheel barrow. The more kitsch, the better.
2) Any Garden Gnome of mine has to be cheap. That way if it stolen or forgotten, it is no huge loss. Owning an expensive garden gnome defeats the purpose of having a garden gnome to start with.
3) Lucky Jr. has to have personality. The more personality, the better. And the happier the better. I do not want a grumpy Garden Gnome.
4) Saints, Japanese garden sculptures and frogs are not an acceptable substitute. These objects might actually leave somebody to believe that I have taste and decorum.
5) Since I no longer have a yard, but a porch instead, he has to be theft proof. How do you make a Garden Gnome theft proof? By referring to point #2. At least Lucky Jr. will not become Lucky Jr. of the Serengeti if I forget to mow my lawn for a couple of months.
So wish me lucky in my search for my new companion. May he be cheap and tacky.