And So It Be

Suddenly I feel the need to take an inventory of my life. There are times when I go through these spells, something will trigger it. Maybe a smell, a picture, a memory. Sometimes nothing. I thought today about little girls. I was thinking how, when you have little girls in your home, you have little girl things as well. I have no little girls, sadly enough. That has always been my one hope and dream.Now dont get me wrong, I love my boys. I am thankful and greatful for them both. I know that there are many people out there who cannot have children and I am lucky enough to have two great ones. So, please dont think I am discounting what I have. But, there is a void. I feel it growing stronger everyday. I fell that somehow it helps me to move on a little by writing about them. I was thinking today about barretts and glitter, earrings and lip gloss. I was thinking about pony tails and fluffy skirts. I was thinking about how much I would love to have these things lying around my house. Sure, I could go out to the store and buy these things. It's not the same. I want the little girl's heart and soul, and laugh that belongs to them. I want the sweet smell of bubble gum lip gloss and the tiny clanking of mommy's heels on the kitchen floor, as you look up to see your beautiful daughter all decked out in your clothes and makeup and jewelry. The little Queen on the world. I dont ask for much in this life, and I would love nothing more than to be the mother of a little girl. But, this is my therapy.My way to help come to terms with the fact that I will never have a daughter, or another child. It's almost as though I can close my eyes and see her. See what she would look like, feel her personality, hear her belly laugh. I feel like she is right there, just beyond my finger tips. My entire life, since I was a little girl myself, I could feel a daughter somewhere in my soul. So where did she go? Did she pick someone else as her mother? Why didnt she stay with me? This is just my heart letting go, before it breaks. The only solice or resolution that I feel, is knowing that maybe someday I will have a granddaughter. I hope when I am older and my boys have their own children, I hope they get to have a son and a daughter. I hope they have happy, healthy babies. I hope my home if filled with laughter and love on the holidays. I hope that the dreams they dream come true. But, selfishly I still hope that when that time comes, my home will be filled with rainbows of hair ribbons, ballerina costumes, baby dolls, and butterfly kisses...