Parental Alienation Syndrome?

Divorce, Custody, Parent Alienation and a History of Abuse

I am appalled at what I am hearing in relation to the announced position of Parent Alienation in relation to divorce and subsequent custody battles. As you will see, I am most appalled at the support of this position. Yet, I have witnessed its need in action. I am concerned in the position that is adamantly opposed to it as well. There is a balance to this issue that is being missed. There is too much discussion and not enough listening. There is too much contemplation and mud-slinging and not enough positive action to gain better resolution.

There are pronounced statements being made that indicate there are persons who are going through a divorce and subsequently they are making allegation that one of the parents is abusing their child to gain full custody of a child in turn. Those making these false allegations are deterring others who have truly been subject to abuse. They are clouding the waters.

There are denounced statements that Parent Alienation is not valid in its defense when a divorce is instigated as the result of abusive behavior in the family and the allegations of abuse are legitimate allegations. I have been subject to abuse and know many others who have been oppressed by this epidemic as well. Easily this alienation position could be in our favor if our abusers want to cast false accusations our way. Let’s not cloud the waters when we are dealing with the crafty minded abusers who are pros at their own games of mental control.

Sorting through both sides of this and in my own experience, there is a reason for this contradictory issue. It is the same issue that I have witnessed through the course of years working with all walks of life and subsequently having been subject to abuse myself. There are two sides to every coin, two truths and then there is the middle ground – the real truth. Consideration needs to be afforded to all matters and a solution needs to be forged that encompasses the middle ground. One that is not so left or right winged.

The issue is the misuse of the legal system, the support system and the media to position a cause that in its own right would not be a matter to contend with if there was not already a misuse of the system as it stands. False allegations need to be addressed. Persons need to be accountable for playing the system. Then they will be less inclined to play there. Attorney’s need to be accountable for legal threats and coercion in protection of the truly guilty and the bartering games they play among themselves at the cost or gains of their clients. Abusers need to be subject to stronger accountabilities rather than played into a system that role politics in favor of public service.

The advocates for Parental Alienation has a valid position and condition for the custodial legal cases meeting our court systems whereby a parent is falsely accusing another of abuse when there is no abuse present in truth. Yet, the advocates seemingly want to blanket their cause across all diversities of families. This is not a matter that involves those families that are otherwise non-abusive in their design. In the event that a parent is creating a hostile environment for the shared children in a divorce and subsequent custody cases, professionals need to first take a look at the history of the family. Is there a record of abuse anywhere? Is there indication of mental coercion and control in the behaviors of the family as a whole? Are there proofs that indicate there is a high-risk of manipulative threats involved? Or is this simply a matter of a parent moving in fear of emotionally losing their children and simply reacting rather than responding?

Divorce is not simple in its own design. There is a reason why it needs not be done in the first place if it can at all be avoided. However, if divorce is the path the parents decide to take then the parents both need to ensure that the care of the child’s emotional well being is considered. In that consideration family counseling is necessary so that not only the divorcing parents can emotionally handle the divorce in their own separate identities, the children may have an unbiased party to turn to so that they can discuss their own personal concerns, angers and fears. This can and should be arranged, either with everyone involved including individual therapies or with the children going with each of their respective parents and then individually. There are a number of therapists available who are willing and able to offer competent counseling to divorcing families. Additionally, though churches and religious entities are opposed to divorce by design it is a standard norm to our globe and should be handled within the church with proper and non-judging ministries that can help a divorcing family retain their faith and reap the benefits from supportive fellowship.

Those denouncing the Parental Alienation position, to my knowledge, are those like myself that have been subject to abusive behaviors over the course of years with, often, the other parent of their children. I have witnessed a lot of similar situations to my own which I can speak to in this regard. However, I will speak to my own experience for this purpose as I am frustrated by the advocates of this proponent who neglect to realize there are those of us who exist who do not use the system to a self-serving means, let alone use our children to gain a position over our abusers. Quiet the reverse is in effect as a result of this termed condition of our society that is gaining a lot of momentum yet not gaining a solid element of resolution. The abusers are the ones using this position in a self-serving measure to retain control over their subjects.

My ex-husband is an alcoholic. He is less than forty years old and was diagnosed with acute cirrhosis of the live almost two years ago. This diagnosis came after I finally found my bearings and left him. I left him after seventeen years of emotional, mental and physical abuse. We share two children. These children were witness to the abusive behavior of their father. They were also witness to my defenses of this behavior. They grew up in this situation. They were used then as pawns in the abuse. As the violence grew worse, my ex would use them as a means to keep me with him. He threatened to take them from me. He would kick me out of the house and keep them from me.

I will not claim to be perfect in the chaos the ensured in the years of emotional and mental abuse. Through the course of time, my ex left our household many times. He was always threatening to never come back. Of course he always did, tail tucked between his legs, vowing to never be that way again. There came a point, I did not want him to come back and let him know so. He still did. He would make those times seem as though they were my fault. He made sure the kids knew his view point in that regard as well. He let them know that though he made mistakes they were never mistakes as great as their mothers.

He turned his verbally abusive behavior toward them as they got older. Our oldest son has Down Syndrome. He would call him stupid to his face. Rant and rave at him, holler and scream at him because he couldn’t do things the way his father thought he should be able to. Our youngest witnessed this behavior too. Then our youngest got older and the verbal abuse turned toward him, too. He was called everything from a fat ass lazy shit to a “nigger lover”. My oldest would take the abuse, crying quietly and then retreating to his room to read his Bible under cover and in closet. His father did not like him reading the Bible. He would call him names and degrade him for his faith. My youngest began to retaliate some, speaking out, yet then he would be put back in his place, mentally coerced into submission. They enjoyed being at school and would retreat to our neighbors house often trying to stay away from their dad. They would come home when I returned from work each day. Eventually that stopped though, staying next door until they absolutely had to come home. As the abuse progressed there were seldom any lulls in the fights and arguments.

The behavior escalated to the extent that their father would wake the household screaming and hollering. He would make them get up and listen to what he had to say in regard to me. He explained to them that I was a “cunt, whore bitch”. They heard him threaten to kill me. They watched him kick in doors. They watched him take his aggressions out on our pets. They watched him drag me across rooms. They watched him pull loaded guns and rifles out to drive his various points home. They heard him flip me out of the bed as we all slept, making sure everyone knew dad was not happy and it was everyone else’s fault in some way shape or form and in as flagrant language as he could muster.

There came a point I finally left, for the first time. There were many times after as I was always wore down with threats, vows of complacency, terms of endearment, harassed by phone calls, tormented and pressured until I had to give up to gain peace from the onslaught and barrage of calls and please, threats and promises or so it seemed. The first time, I took the kids with me. This was before the escalation hit its highest note. This was almost two years before I finally got out and landed in a shelter nine-hundred miles away from home. This is before I found out I was being stalked and monitored at work. This is before I realized my computer at home and at work were being hacked. This is before I lost my job as a result of his obsessive need to control my every move and every thought. This is before it all came crashing down and God pulled me out of the pit and the mire with our children.

Through this time my ex mother-in-law was witness to this abusive behavior of her son’s. Her significant other, the boy’s step-grandfather, if you will, and his mother witnessed the behavior. They witnessed my defenses too. I fought back, I laid down. I tried many things simply to get the insanity to stop. What I did not stop doing was returning after being put to the test to stay gone. I would not stop returning when he had the kids. He knew that, so he became very good at keeping them in his guard when the eruptions would come forward. My ex’s mother was subject to her son’s abuse, being physically thrown out of our house by him in one of his rages. He was verbally assaulting her through the course of years, even before he and I were living together. She did nothing to waylay the behavior, in some instances denying it even occurred. She refused to see the alcoholism upon him, though her own father was an alcoholic in his own right. She has her demons to contend with too. Though, she continues to this day to live in denial of the facts at hand. I have proof of this, yet it needs not be enclosed here. Suffice it to say this woman has her own self-serving agendas at heart and they are not of the best interests of her grandchildren or the fostering of relationships neither with their father nor with me.

My ex’s aunt, God rest her soul, was also witness to his behavior within months of us having to move. She could not even stay with us upon witnessing his obsessive behavior staying with me at work to watch who I was talking with and what I was doing. This incident later erupted into another fight that got me kicked out of the house, kept me up into the early hours of yet another morning listening to his venom and spit pouring forth from his mouth. His aunt left, as she was rattled by what she saw. She encouraged me to leave him then, as I saw her off from the airport the next morning. She was fearful for my life and the boys’ lives and asked that the boys and I come stay with her. I knew he would follow or inundate me with calls and pleas, threats and charms, promises and manipulations to get me to come back. He always did. I was running out of options. I saw there was no use. My ex’s grandparents witnessed the behaviors and his grandmother was subject to his emotional assaults. His uncle recognized that he was an alcoholic out of control and tried to point it out to the rest of the family without even realizing he was collaborating what I was expressing. It went unheard, to no avail. Friends were witness, both his personal friends and mine. Neighbors were witness. My ex sister-in-law and her husband were subject to his verbal abuse and threats. Law enforcement was called twice, yet if I were to have breathed a word, the threat of losing my kids was laid before me as was the threat of my life. He had made many threats through the years and he was beginning to follow through on them. I did not want to die and I did not want to have our children dead or taken from me. I climbed deeper into despair. I could not see my way clear.

Finally, a person who was part of our life, yet was not witness to the behavior was put in our path. My ex’s father. We moved to live with him when all else was lost. Why did I stay at this point? Why did we not go our separate ways. I had lost my way. Though I knew better way down in my depths, I could not leave. I was subject to many things. Threats. Distress. Uncertainty. Isolation. I was battling with my own denial, guilty, shame, resentment and need to retain self-reliance and avoid failure. These last two things I was dealing with were a result of two other things that are instilled into my life and in some respect into our society just as this Parental Alienation is being instilled. There is a responsibility that is taught to many of us to ‘make our bed and lie in it’. Be accountable for our actions. A ‘til death do you part’ thought process. I had children by this man, eventually married him, which is an entirely bizarre piece to this account that I will spare you from at this moment. I could not leave. I would be seen as failing, unaccountable, unable to follow through, with no self-reliance or glory in tact. Then, there is also a thought process that addicts are ‘sick’. They have a disease and one would not leave a person dying with cancer, how could they leave a person sick with alcoholism? So, I succumbed to not only my husband’s taunts and threats, I succumbed to societal beliefs. They were instilled in me either in my childhood or through my early adult years. They were also instilled in me by my abuser. Unfortunately, before I knew better, I think I instilled this in some other women I worked with as well.

I counseled many women at work in respect to abuse and addictions. I was enduring my own personal hell at home. Others didn’t see, many were not even aware. I hid the truth. Yet I spoke the words of wisdom I knew then to these women, while trying to help them get out all the same. Interesting the contradiction there and now I am speaking out to the contradictions of this alienation issue. All the same, I have heard it said that we do better once we know better. I have learned so therefore I am inclined to teach. Though the outside world was shown little to nothing, the children saw what was happening. In greater capacity than they needed to. The final weeks before I left, my ex attempted to run me over with our car with the children in the car with him. He was ranting about how I was a “call center whore and I deserved what I got” as he drove up and down the highway trying to get me to get back into the car with him. He tried to force me into the car and someone drove up and I retreated with them. Why did I leave the kids at this point? I had no choice. If I tried to get them I can assure you the situation would have escalated to the point that someone would have been shot or run over definitively. Someone would have died. I did not want to see physical harm come to our children. I did not want to see a complete stranger killed and I again did not want to die at the hands of a mad man. I went to the local general store. Walking back to my ex father-in-law’s house my husband again tried to pursue me with our car. This was hours later. I was in a town I did not know. I was out of my element, not that it mattered for I was beginning to realize I was out of my element a long time before I realized it. I was in dire need for rescue and I needed to find my way clear. I needed to get our children. I was on my way home to figure out how I was going to control this situation into a self-created victory for me and our sons, regardless. I did not even then notice that I was not in control and by my thinking I was I was powerless over the situation. As my ex stopped the car right in the middle of the road, my ex father-in-law drove up on that scene and that is where the releasing of me and the boys began. He asked me what was going on and my ex drove of screaming threats out of the car with the kids still with him. His father drove us home.

My ex would not listen to his father. He ranted to him again calling me every name in the book with our sons present. I could not be present. I was not allowed in the house per my ex’s exclamations. He would not listen to reason from anyone. So, I stood outside the house listening. He woke me that night from the upstairs bedroom, waking again the whole household up. This was nothing new to me and the boys. This was something entirely new to my ex’s father. There was another incident in which my ex, prone to flicking people, flicked me in the eye with his finger in a rage about a week later. Of course the honeymoon phases were not long lasting to say the least at this point. The final physical incident was in front of our kids.

If you want to believe I did nothing to protect myself through the years, I will not let you. I taunted back. When the raucous began I called him names. If he got physical often I would get physical right back. He used these physical instances as another means to control me. He would threaten if I called the cops, he would declare abuse first. He had the marks. He would tear the phone out of walls. His family was witness to the aftermath of one of those instances years ago. This wasn’t the first time, like I said. I was tired of it. In the span of a month and a half from our moving I took a stand. In doing so, I was drug across the room and was being forced to leave. My ex’s father was trying to stop him. My shirt was nearly ripped off. The kids were upstairs listening to this, scared. This was coming entirely out of hand. My ex father-in-law and I had spoken a couple of times about what he was witnessing in this small amount of time and that he realized I and the boys needed to get away from this man, his son, who he did not know anymore. He felt the life we were living was not healthy and there was definitely a danger in being with his son. That was a breath of fresh air for my ex had just about convinced me that his father agreed with him. Hearing this brought hope back into my life. My ex was to go deer hunting back in our home state. We planned that I would leave then. The plans were cancelled, yet this was a week before my ex would have been leaving. The time was at hand.

See, my ex felt we all needed to be punished for one reason or another. He would taunt this in his escalations. People online needed to be punished. I needed to be punished. He believed everyone was out to get him. He believed I was out to get him. He believed I had had an affair on him years prior. Had nearly convinced me of it. Days with little to no sleep, mental torment and threats will make one do just about anything to survive. Even believing what you know to not be true. I have since found that I had not lost my mind. I had not had an affair and I had not lied in the process of initially saying that I hadn’t. That is a whole other story. The truth was, at the time I left him, I believed I had likely had an affair. I had come to a place though where it did not matter anymore. He was no longer going to use anything to keep me with him. My ex father-in-law was opening a door. I was seeking God’s direction to get me out. He did.

The final night we were living together, my ex was up again in a delusion rant, woke me to have me listen and be subject to his verbal assaults. He did not let this one escalate to the point of waking everyone else up. I didn’t let it escalate in defense either. I lay in the bed, seething at the words that he was saying. Agreeing, while in my mind I was praying and plotting my means of escape. No more, there has to be a way for this to end. The weekend was coming, my ex’s father was to be gone. I could not stay in the house alone with this man. I sensed he would kill me if given another go around. The boys were sensing it too. They were hesitant to make a sound getting ready for school the next day. They were hesitant to leave.

The next morning was the dawn of the day I left. The boys had gone to school. I had gone to see a bankruptcy attorney. I returned to my ex in his usual position, passed out on the couch. He woke, began ranting. He settled down and suggested we go out to eat. He was drinking still. Which is also the cause to some of the escalations, his problem was no longer one he could keep hidden. I let him know it was not hidden. On occasion I did this straight forward. On others, I would ask for a drink of his soda. On others I would snoop out the bottles. No matter, he knew I knew his drinking had the better of him. He knew he was not hiding the fact from his father either. We went to lunch and he began ranting in the restaurant. Quietly at first, then he became more belligerent. Again came the descriptions of “cunt, whore, bitch”. I looked across the table at him and did not recognize him at all. I looked around the room as though I were one of the patrons of the restaurant. I looked back at him and it occurred to me. I would not choose this man, his behavior or these circumstances if I just met him today. I knew then that he would treat anyone this way, eventually. I left.

Guilt took hold of me for a minute for I knew he was in no shape to drive home. I returned. He became enraged. I left and did not go back.

I watched him from another restaurant, circling. Hunting for me. Not an uncommon pattern. I did not make my presence known. A stranger, in a strange town came up to me at this other restaurant. He extended assistance. God’s angel as far as I’m concerned. God was on the move that day. He is a welcome presence in my life for I cannot do this on my own. So, I used this stranger’s cell phone after realizing I was pushing away a line to safety. I apologized for my rudeness and regained my confidence to seek his help. I called and eventually made contact with my father-in-law and let him know what was going on. He asked what he could do. He worked at the school where my sons were. He agreed to bring them to me and bring me a change of clothes with theirs. The kids were used to the drill. This time, however, there was no going back and they were sure to let me know that themselves.

Their grandfather contacted his wife and she agreed to pick me up and take me to the police department. The boys and grandpa would meet me there. The sheriff would take me to the local shelter. When we were all at the police department, the officer spoke with me about the incident at the restaurant and the incidents that occurred over the course of the week leading to this day as well as other instances in the month and a half since we had moved. Those occurrences happened in the neighboring county. He encouraged me to file a report and press charges, as did the boy’s grandfather. My ex’s father did not feel he should go unaccounted for his behaviors. I made my report but I did not press charges. At that point in my life I simply wanted this man to leave. My ex father-in-law thought he might be able to persuade him to return to our home state once he realized I was not returning and if he believed I had turned him into the police. I did not however want a long drawn out court battle. I wanted to be done. The boys said they wanted the same. They wanted it all to be done.

Needless to say, my ex returned on his way leaving the state. He wasn’t done with me. I in turn did press charges in both counties. The one regarding the verbal assault never went anywhere. The prosecuting attorney apparently didn’t think it was high profile enough to take seriously. The prosecuting attorney in the neighboring county did take it seriously. This too is another long piece to this account of what happened. The neighboring county’s sheriff’s department made a mockery of the initial arrest the day I pressed charges and my ex father-in-law filed a report with his wife in presence. The warrant was finally issued yet by this point, my ex was in the hospital in a city two hours away, “dying”. The details of the counties mishaps I’ll refrain from declaring here as it too doesn’t have measure to the case in point.

To continue, my ex, he survived. The warrant was issued. The custody hearing was to take place. It was determined that my ex would be arrested at the court house to ensure he did not run from the authorities. Some may laugh at the belief a dying man would run. However, there was also a concern that he may retaliate and public arrest would be safer for law enforcement rather than cornering him at his residence. He had made threats many times through the years that if the cops tried to take him, he would take them out first. I was not the only one privy to these threats. I let the authorities know that as this ensued. Yet, as it turned out, my ex’s attorney had an inside connection and my ex did not show for yet another hearing. There had been many hearings relating to the restraining order and to custody. The divorce hadn’t even officially started yet. My ex turned himself in, appearing to be the concerned and compliant citizen. He’s good. He’s a charmer. He can play the part well. Not to mention he is a former police officer of the Marine Corps and had enough encounters with the law to know how to play the game well. He had two DUIs dropped to misdemeanors and a cruelty to animals charge that was a misdemeanor conviction a year prior to his abuse charges being filed.

He was charged with a class B felony. His attorney got this worked down to a class A misdemeanor. Even though the charge signified that children were witness as well as the collaborating report filed by my ex’s father the politics of the system worked in my ex’s favor yet again. He was given unsupervised probation for a year. He was awarded graduated unsupervised visitation. Our oldest had wanted to see his father with someone present until he felt comfortable that dad was no longer going to get mad at him. Our youngest was still angry after months of therapy. He still did not want to see his dad. It did not matter. The therapist even testified. Yet the testimony was truthful in regard to our youngest son’s confusion. He did not respect what his father had done yet he knew his father was reportedly dying. I had taken both children to see their dad twice at the hospital when we were told he was not expected to live more than a couple of weeks by the hospital staff. I spoke with my ex sister-in-law and ex-mother-in-law on one of those visits. So did the boys. They were not comfortable with the “forcing grandma did”. They saw their cousins and their aunt and uncle again over the holidays. They did not want to see their dad or their grandmother. I felt they were old enough to decide for themselves. They understood enough about the situation with their father’s health. They could determine their own course. They were not harming themselves to decide not to see him after they had gone to the hospital. They were cognizant and coherent. We were still residing at the shelter during this time. They were still in therapy. There were many people witness to what these two young boys were dealing with and having to determine in their own course.

Apparently, as I was told by my attorney and the court system, allowing children to make up their own minds in these situations is seen as a “lack of fostering a relationship” for the non-custodial parent on my part. I see this as working with two children who had been subjected to enough to be more grown than the system realizes or respects. They had earned the right and I believed are afforded an ability to cast their own votes about their father. I let them know, through therapy and in the course of time, they are entitled to their opinion. They are entitled to their vote. I have the right to veto if I believe they are making a poor decision, yet they will be afforded their voices. We had not been afforded our voices for a very long time. This was not done arbitrarily. This was done through the course of my own individual counseling. It was done through the course of their own individual counseling. It was also done through the course of family counseling. I also let them know that I will not be dishonest with them. I will speak to my own opinions and thoughts. I will discuss whatever they want or need to. After all they had been witness to a lot of descriptive language and situations over their lives too. It was not as though I was seeking to disparage. I was seeking to provide them a forum in which they could feel comfortable in themselves and in their own beings to walk a pathway of their own recovery.

I will note here too that when I took them to the hospital on neither occasion did they want to go, in spite of the fact of their father’s health. I had them go anyway. While explaining again that my vote vetoed theirs as I did not see it in their best interest to not see their father whose prognosis was of an urgent nature. They became frustrated when they realized that they had gone and his prognosis was not as urgent as they think I led them to believe. Our oldest did agree to go see his father over the Christmas holidays with his step-grandfather. Their step-grandfather was witness to our youngest son’s lack of interest or desire to see his dad at that point.

In the course of visitations, our sons have come to reconcile some issues they had with their dad. However, I continue to have concerns. Yet, I do not forgo them the right to see their dad. I simply do not feel that they should be forced to return to the presence of an abuser, whether their title is father or not, simply because the courts don’t want to bump up against a trend such as “Parental Alienation”. My purpose is to protect the boys from a man that had threatened their mother in their presence. My purpose is to ensure that he does not use them in retaliation with anger, hurt and aggressions on them to get to me. My purpose is to ensure their safety. He is a convicted abuser. He is a convicted drunk. He is a convicted animal assaulter. I have a right to be concerned and I have a right not to be labeled a “crazy ex” who is trying to keep the children away from their father.

Finally, my ex has utilized the court system to continue to control me, which is why the concerns of Parental Alienation need to be reviewed. It gives rights to those that use it to their own means while its design is to do the opposite. His joint legal custody and his visitation rights provide him leverage to force me into staying in an area in which the unemployment rate is high. He is keeping me here as a result of his need to have a relationship with his children. This is his claim. His family has the money and the means to move him back to our home state. He refuses to consider this. He insisted that we move here many years through. Once we were here he didn’t like it. Complained about it constantly when we first got to this state. Now, he’s determined to keep us here anyway, to control the situation and the courts condone it. Yet, in his visitation schedule, he is beginning to miss hours of visitation with our oldest because its not conducive to him driving our oldest back a hour and a half to prom. He is missing hours when its not convenient for him to wait with the boys’ dog while they go to a swimming party. He is missing hours through the winter when he doesn’t know what else to do with the kids but to bring them back to me at our arranged visitation pickup location. I do not mind having my kids. This is not the issue. I will have them. I will get them. I want them. It’s the principle of the matter. My ex, insisted on visitation with the support and help of his mother and the attorney she paid for him to have. Yet he can not follow through and uses me as the reason in many instances. “Well, since your mom dropped you off early, I’ll be nice and take you back early.” Yet, I cannot relocate to my home to retain a job that is in the industry of which I’m trained to realign our son’s lives in a better financial scope. Yet, he could petition the courts to move an hour away. Not to mention the fact that he moved with less than sixty days of this notice he provided. This move being the other excuse he uses in brining the kids back early. The cost of gas, the time to drive and so on. We have had agreeable negotiations in the visitations changes that have been needed. Yet I watch as our children try to reconcile those instances where visitation is cut short for otherwise implausible reasons.

So, you see, there are some who have cause to have concerns. We would breathe a sigh of relief if we knew these abusers were truly interested in their children and not simply using visitation and a stand such as Parental Alienation to cover up their continued need to control, manipulate and coerce the family they have already emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically assaulted over many years. We would be pleased if the children’s other parent, who never had the kid’s best interest at heart through the years of drinking, drugging and abusive behaviors, truly did have an open agenda and not one of continued monitoring in place. Many will call those of us who have been through this crazy, paranoid and delusional. I have heard it said by my ex. I have heard it said by others. I have come to know, I know better. I am of sound mind. Our children know better. They are of sound mind.

As for my sons, they know I do not seek to control them. They know that they are free to think for themselves. They know they are loved unconditionally and they know they can see their father. They know if they don’t want to right now they do not have a choice. The system doesn’t allow for it. They understand even when they don’t agree. They’ll comply. They learned well dealing with their dad how to comply. They know that I want them to love their dad. They know that I want their dad to love them. They know that it is okay to love us both and be loved. They have let go of a lot of the the anger and a lot of the hurt. They’re recovering. They’ll let me know when I’m stepping off base. They’ll let me know when they think their dad is off base. They’re still not comfortable letting him know though. They still fear him. They fear he’ll some day pick up where he left off with me and begin on them again. They know some things they need not tell me about in respect to their dad as their relationship with him is their own. Yet, they know now they need not hide their truths and they need not succumb to abusive behavior. They have helped me to learn that lesson I believe more than I have helped them. They are the ones the night we arrived at the domestic violence shelter that both said in their own way, no more fighting, no more abuse, never again!

Now, before we cast away the Parental Alienation position, know that there are some out there who need this in their own battles. There are men and women who trump up false claims of abuse to gain custodial rights to their children. There are parents who lose their children to these false allegations. There are children out there who were never used as pawns before yet suddenly find themselves immersed in a pool of filth when the divorce begins and the question of custody rears up. There are grandparents and family members out there vying for these children and their attentions. Divorce is riddled with fear in its own right. Trust me, from my own experience, fear led me to believe I was someone I was not. Fear led me to live as someone I was not. Fear led me to stay in an abusive relationship for an incredibly long time even when deep down I knew better. Fear has a way of making people do things they wouldn’t otherwise do.

To protect those parents who are being subject to false allegations, I would encourage the system to mandate that all families leading into divorce must have a mediator in place on the initial filing of the divorce. Mediators need to be provided pro-bono if a family cannot afford one. A GAL needs to be put in place for all children regardless of age and be appropriately trained to meet the interests of the child(ren). Finally, family therapists need to be appointed to counsel the children through the divorce as par for the course. Again, these therapy sessions need not be in place to give false hope if a marriage is truly coming apart. The therapist needs to be there for the children to adjust in a healthy fashion to the new direction their lives are taking. They can do this with both parents or if it’s not conducive then with each parent separately. Of course, individual counseling with the children is critical. This was offered to my ex and it’s never happened. That did not prevent me from gaining my own counseling and from having counseling provided to my children.

In respect to this alienation position and those who have evidence of abuse, let me again say, counseling is important. The system does need to take these situations more seriously. If there is a history of abuse evident leading into the divorce, what evidence do the courts have that the abuse will stop simply because the divorce becomes final. I believe, there is evidence to the contrary. When a family is coming out of an abusive situation don’t make it more difficult on the children as they are finding their voices of freedom. Don’t squelch them by making their parent who is standing to protect them appear to be crazy. Don’t feed in to the abuser by affording them rights they forwent through the years of abusive behaviors. The kids have a right to their voice and the abused parent has a right to need and want to protect their children from subsequent abuse without the system peering down its nose at her as being overzealous in her stand. Before the allegations of alienation can even begin, counseling, churches and advocacy groups can be involved on the forefront to determine if there is any feasibility to alienation being of concern. They can also delve out any hidden abuses that may otherwise go undetected until after custody battles are already in progress or concluded and then drawn back in. A little precautionary maintenance could alleviate this issue in a greater capacity than a lot of bickering back and forth between the two houses and schools of thought.

This is not a full accounting of our song. There are many more instances of abuse from the very beginning. My ex has been noted to say that the women who manage the domestic violence shelter we stayed in brainwashed me and the kids. The staff there and other residents can and do say otherwise. He has been noted to say the night I finally left him for good that he would slit my throat. His father witnessed this statement and relayed it to me afterward. He has been noted to say that he would stop our oldest son from going on his senior trip if I did not provide him with necessary contact information for him (though he has joint legal custody of our children with me and is able to obtain contact information in regard to their school, medical, work and life activities). Our youngest son is the one he said this to he hopes his dad doesn’t find out he told me in my sharing of this incident. My ex has been noted to be seen at liquor stores even now, though he has not been witnessed drinking with the children in his presence. An addict gets crafty about how they hide their stashes. Our sons are not there to determine if their father is drinking while he has them. My youngest searches to be sure and tells me. Not because I ask, I don’t ask. I don’t ask not because I don’t want to know. I don’t ask because I want the kids to focus on having a good time with their dad. My youngest looks because he does not want to be awakened in the middle of the night anymore from a man in drunken rages. He worries. Yet he complies with the courts for he doesn’t want me to be placed in contempt of court. Our oldest goes though he is not taken to church on Sundays. He has Special Olympics, church and work that are of great interest to him as well as the love and admiration of his father. His father misses some of these things. The most important thing in our oldest son’s life next to his job is the adoration of his father. That is missed sometimes even now. His father fails to see what is of importance to others even as I write this. The other significantly important this in our oldest son’s life is church. That is missed every time he is with his father on Sundays. It hurts. Yet he complies with the courts for he doesn’t want to lose his dad in his complaints. I listen. I console. I comfort. I talk with them. We discuss the means by which to handle our situation as is necessary. We move on with our life and make do with what we have before us. There are good times. There are blowouts and bad days. Yet, we all three realize there is much to be grateful for. We can sleep at night now. We can come home from work and school and know that there will not be a war raging in our midst. There will not be an inebriated eruption of anger, rage and abuse going off at any given moment with little to no provocation. We live our life, leaving our worries with God the best we can. We sing our song, leaving our hurts on the alter the best we can. We smile, we cry, we laugh, we bicker. We survive!!

I speak out here and to others. Yet, when I speak out to the system I am found to be barking up the wrong tree, speaking into the wind or otherwise spinning my wheels. Or even worse, I run the risk in speaking out to the system that I am viewed as someone who might be creating a new disorder in my children. Parental Alienation Syndrome. Once upon a time the only Syndrome in our midst was Down Syndrome. Now we have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – a syndrome and there may be a chance that children from abusive households in divorce can obtain Parental Alienation Syndrome. I will take Down Syndrome over these other two any day!! One we obtained at the hands and words of an abusive man, the other is a misnomer. It is an issue, one that needs to be reckoned with. One that needs to be given air to breathe and find its truer balance to meet the needs of all. As it stands, I can not fully turn to the system for they will and do declare those of us who have legitimate cause to turn to them in this regard as crazy. They declare us to be meddling and resentful ex-wives. They declare we are not wanting to foster relationships between the children and the non-custodial parents. They cite that we are trying to alienate the other parent. The truth as I see it, the abuser alienated themselves from the survivors who will no longer tolerate their subjection. So, we are simply wanting to have the needs and best interest wants of our children met. We are wanting the protection of our safety and our deepest concerns addressed and taken seriously. Our protection is not only our physical protection. Simply because their father never beat them does not mean this man did not abuse the children in their own right. It does not mean he does not continue to cause them concern and cause them pain that is unnecessary.

I implore those walking in similar shoes and down similar paths to myself in this regard, speak out by all means. Yet do not bash a position as defunct when it does have its merits for those in different circumstances other than my own and other than the circumstances of the abused. Consider this: there are parents who no longer choose to be married. There is no fault, they simply want a divorce. It begins amicably. Then someone hits the panic button. They conjure up a story. They allege abuse. They begin to manipulate coerce and contrive to retain the love of their child(ren), to ensure the attention is focused on them. The parent that is innocent, otherwise being called guilty, aren’t they too being subject to abuse? They too need protection just as those of us who have survived need protection. There is a need for attention to this matter, yet it need to be positioned as it is being positioned. To those in the courts, advocacy groups and legal systems I implore you to listen. I implore you not glorify a position as the solution to the detriment of those who truly are in danger emotionally, mentally, spiritually and/or physically who have already been subject to a history of violence, abuse and battery. Just as those who truly need the protection against alienation, we too need your protection from the control and coercing of the abusers. Amen!!