Sadists Like Milk

Sadists Like Milk


Chapter 1: Sexy Bastards Make For Good Tea Parties


“Do you want to try fucking, again?”


My hot chocolate went flying out my mouth.


“W-What?!”


He wiped the chocolate off his cheek and smirked. “You know: Sex. Making Love. Whoopee ---”


“I know what you mean, dumb ass!”


“So is that a yes or no?”


Before I continue with what has been the most awkward conversation I’ve had in my whole life, let me rewind so you can get a clearer picture of the situation.


It all started this morning when I was late for my bus. I was so busy dreaming about strangling Paris Hilton that I didn’t hear my alarm clock ringing. Right when I was about to show Nicole Richie my wrath of fury, I felt a swift kick to the side of my stomach and fell off the bed.


“Uggh!” I said grabbing the part of my body where I got axe kicked.


“Uggh yourself,” My brother grumbled. “Mum said for you to get your lazy ass out of my bed.” 


Ever since Aidan graduated from high school he’s been bumming it out back at home. He said that he wanted to take a year off to find himself before starting college. I guess by finding himself, he meant laying on the couch and playing video games all day.


“Gimme five more minutes.”


“It’s  6:44 AM!”


I popped up from off the floor. “But the bus comes at 6:45!”


He rolled his eyes. “No shit, Sherlock.”


He sleepily walked out  my room as I slowly began to sink into a panic attack. I stared at the clock in horror as the hand seemed to be moving faster and faster. I looked up to the ceiling and sighed.


“God please give me the power of super speed.”


And in a flash I began to get ready in the fastest amount of time since school started two months ago.


As I patted down my sweater and fixed the folds on my jeans, I confidently looked at the clock.


My jaw dropped. “No fucking way…”


It was 7:03.


I got my book bag and sprinted down the stairs.


I ran into the kitchen and waved  quickly to my parents.


My dad was sitting at the table reading Marvel comics in his bunny slippers, while my mum was washing my baby brother, Jonas, in the sink with one hand whilst cutting the head off a dead rabbit with the other.


“Good morning, sweetie.” My dad said cheerily.


“Kimberly you’re late.” My mum said without turning around.


“I know. I’m leaving now.”


She slightly glanced to the side. “Don’t you want to eat breakfast?  Your dad made you a jelly and cheese sandwich.”


“No thanks. I want to try and see if I can catch the bus!” I said as I took a water bottle and zipped through the front door.


I looked  back and forth until I saw a glimmer of yellow down the street. I used all the tactics I learned from running away from my next door neighbors dog , and sped down the street. I began to get closer to the bus, but as if the God of Irony just remembered that I’m not supposed to get my way, the bus’ engine roared and in a matter of seconds the street was bare.


I dropped my bag on the ground and cursed at no one in particular. There was no way I could go home and ask for a ride; my dad strictly used bicycles and my mom would only drive me to school if she got to beat me repeatedly with her fan first.


Behind me, I heard a car honking wildly. I tuned around to glare in that direction.


“What do you wan---”


In the middle of the street was a black car with skeletons painted all across the hood and the trunk. I could recognize that overly clichéd car anywhere. The window rolled down to reveal a girl wearing gothic-esque clothing and gaudy black make-up. Her hair was dyed blonde with red streaks. This specific poseur was Nora Simpson. I’m still not sure on how we became friends.


Her favorite band was “the punkiest, radical, most hardcore band known to man.”


Yeah, you guessed it. The Click Five.


Obviously her parents dropped her a few too many times as a baby.


“Hey Kimmy Kim! D‘ya need a ride?” I hated it when she called me that, but I let it slide seeing as she was my only way left of getting to school.


I nodded and sat down in the passenger seat.


“So how are ya, Kim?”


“I’m fine.” I said, putting my seatbelt on.


She began to drive down the road.


“Soooo….”


I looked at her. “So what?”


“You haven’t told me who you like yet.”


“Nora, I already told you yesterday that I’m not going to bother this year.”


“But why not?” She whined.


Because the world’s against me. Because I’m cursed. Because I’m fugly. Because cupid is too busy fucking with my head to actually do something right for once. “I just haven’t found anyone yet.”


“WELL, I like someone.”


And I could care less. “Who is it?”


“Edward. Ya know, the leader of the Burnouts.”


I snapped back to looking out the window. I was suddenly  filled with an anxious sensation. The Burnouts were this clique in our high school that all the alternative and outcast crowds flocked to. Honestly, they weren’t what got me so nervous. It was the leader.


Edward Caleb Taylor. Also known as “Special Ed.” He was by far the most popular boy in my whole grade, let alone my school. He wasn’t a jock. He wasn’t academically superior to anyone else. He wasn’t a drama geek. He was just the boy who sat outside and played guitar when he really should be class. Sure, he was handsome and artistic - and that’s the kind of guy I go for - but ever since the summer before 7th grade, I’ve held  a secret grudge against him.


We had gone to the same community camp. This was back when my hair was long and I was actually fit. So, unlike now, I actually got attention from the male species (or any species for that matter).


It was the first day of  camp and I was excited to make new friends. I was shy, so of course it wasn’t that easy. The counselors called us into a circle and explained the rules of the camp. After that they asked us to pick a buddy. I scanned the room for anyone I knew, but no one looked too familiar. It was sad that my social group was so limited. The boy who sat behind me in 6th grade and sucked paste all day had more friends than I did.


The counselors said for anyone who didn’t have a  partner to put their hand up. I nervously raised my hand. To my dismay nobody else did. A mean girl from school named Wendy North loudly called me a loser.


I fidgeted oddly with my hand still raised, as the counselors looked around for anyone to pair up with me. Then the doors flew open. The very first time I heard his voice, I knew I had a crush.


“Sorry, for being late. My step dad’s truck got a flat tire.” He had light brown hair cut short, and gray eyes.


“Ah, just on time,” A counselor said, “a young lady was just looking for a buddy.”


“Sure thing.”


The counselor motioned for Edward to stand next to me.


The camp advisor then came out of her office and gave the counselors a box of supplies.  The counselors began to pass out tee-shirts. My cheeks began to turn red, as Edward leaned over and softly whispered into my ear.


“I think you can put your hand down now.”


Over the next two months we became inseparable. We became best friends, we called each other everyday after camp, we even had matching henna tattoos. It was the last day of  Camp Good Daze that it all went downhill.


The camp had gone to a water park near a forest and me and Ed decided to take a break from the rides.


As were walking back to the table our camp had set up, he waved his arm for me to follow him into the woods.  I carefully walked behind  him until we got far enough in.


Out of nowhere, he pushed me against a tree.


“What are you doing?!”


He breathed impatiently. “What do you think?!”


“I don’t know what I think! What do you think I should be thinking?!”


“I think you should be thinking about taking off your clothes!”


“Huh?” (I wasn’t exactly an A-student.)


“Let’s have sex!” he growled.


Now being  12 years old, I was in a very immature state of mind. I say this because as soon as he said sex, I started giggling. It was only five minutes later, when I noticed that he wasn’t also giggling , that I realized how serious he was.


“Whoa...You’re not kidding?”


His gray eyes pieced my own dull, dark brown ones. “No, Kim. I’m not kidding.”


He pressed me harder against the tree and french kissed me.


I didn’t want to hurt him, but fear got the best of me. I forcefully pushed him off me and ran out of the woods.


He followed me out and we walked back to our table in silence. Later on when I went to find him to ask if we could still be friends, he was nowhere to be found. I finally asked a friend of his if he saw Edward.


“Uh. He took Wendy North with him into the woods. He said something about making up for horribly, wasted time.”


And at that, I officially began my silent war against that shady son of a bitch. I thought I had had a crush on an angel, but he was really just a pervy asshole who wanted to lose his virginity before junior high.


The countless phone calls ended. The trips to the park stopped. And the friendship broke away. We hadn’t talked since that day, all the way up to now in 11th grade.


My hair was now shorter and I was not the fittest that I could be. His hair was now longer and he was the number one bachelor in school. I found the joys of reading good books. He found the joys of marijuana.


It’s stupid that something as silly as a failed attempt at getting laid could end something as sweet as childhood friendship…and a crush. Even though I’m ashamed to admit it.


I sighed dramatically and leaned my head against the window.


“What’s wrong, Kimmy?” Nora asked curiously.


“I’m having a flashback.”


She stared at me confused.


“Never mind.” I fixed my posture in the seat. “Are you sure you’re his type?”


She pouted and flicked her hair. “Well, duh! He’s, like, a fuckin’ rocker. And aren’t I the most hardcore scenester you’ve ever met?”


Hell no! “I guess…”


“Plus, he’s known for dating all types of girls. Remember Maria Quartos?”


“The girl who gave a bull a blow job.”


“And  Suzy Takanashi?”


“The girl who could shoot ping-pong balls out of her va---”


“Vanna Hithers?”


“The unsure lesbian who thinks that she’s a Martian.”


“Yep. And Wendy North?” She quickly caught herself. “Oooh, sorry! I didn’t mean to bring her up.” I’m guessing that she felt the nonexistent flames beginning to rise up in my angst-ridden, teenage soul.


“Don’t worry,” I said through gritted teeth. “I don’t hate her anymore.” Lying makes everything better.


The car grew silent. Nora was surely not buying it.


To save my own ass, I changed the subject. “How do you plan on winning  the Burnout King’s affection?”


“Well, me and Michelle are going to ask him during lunch if he can hang out with us after school.”


Michelle Leung was my very sane and lady-like best friend. She had the misfortune of having me introduce Nora to her. I feel worse and worse about it as the days go by.


“What if he says no?”


“Michelle said that all I have to do is win him over with my sex appeal,” Heheh… “And that’s the plan.”


“Hmm.” Was the only thing I could force out of my mouth as I tried hard not to laugh.


We pulled up to the school. While we were walking towards the front doors, Nora suddenly halted and grasped my hands.


“Please wish me good luck! I won’t bomb this right?”


You probably will. “You’ll be fine, Nora. Relax.”


The whole day went by quickly, like usual. Nothing special happened. Just the same shitty classes and boring teachers. I didn’t have the same lunch period as Michelle and Nora. So I didn’t know how asking  Ed went. Though, honestly, I didn’t really care.


By 8th period I was feeling drained.  I had English Honors, but it was nothing to be proud of. I was in the type of honors that anyone and their pet monkey could get into. Michelle and Nora were in the real honors class. When we first read our schedules aloud in September, I almost cried. It’s a sad day when you’re dumber than Nora.


I slumped into my chair and didn’t even bother to get out my copy of Hamlet.  I was expecting to go to sleep, until I saw a pair of penny loafers walking down the isle. My head sprang up with a rush as I saw Nikolai Crane give the teacher a note.


My  hilariously, round English professor -Mr. Sphinctur- read it with his bulging eyes and nodded with his hidden neck.


“It’s about time you came back from the hospital Mister Crane.” Only Sphinctur could be such a dick to someone who just battled a strong case of tuberculosis.


Nikolai didn’t respond and quietly sat down in his chair. He collectively brushed his curly blonde hair back and took out his supplies. Everything about him was so calm and attractive.


All right. I lied when I told Nora that I wasn’t interested in anyone.  But I had good reason. Tell Nora a secret one day, and the whole school will know by the next.


I spent the whole period staring at the back of his fluffy head. I was so mesmerized by his cute aura , that I didn’t even hear the bell ring. As I clumsily got my bag off the floor, Mr. Sphinctur wheezed out his last bit of torture for the day.


“I want you all to find someone by tomorrow to tutor in English over the remainder of the year. The person must have a GPA of 70 and under.”


The whole class muttered annoyances, but Sphinctur had already rolled out of the class room.


I looked in front of me to see that Nikolai had left as quietly as he came in.


‘One day, I’ll be brave enough to talk to him!’ I thought.


Then, I was rational about the situation.


‘Yeah. Not likely.’


As I was trying to open my locker, my spider senses started tingling. Sure enough, Nora was right next to me. I swear that girl can teleport.


“I have great news!”


You’re moving away to Zimbabwe? “Edward said that he would meet with you?”


“Yeah-huh!” Suddenly, her smile turned into a frown. Somehow I knew that I was going to be involved.


“What, Nora?”


“Um. Michelle has an emergency student council meeting after school, so she can’t come with me…”


It’s all right, Kim, just work around it. “Oh. That’s…good. That way you can talk to him alone.”


“That’s the problem, I’m going to be way too nervous.”  Kim, run! Get the hell out of there! Leave the stupid bitch before she asks---


“So can you pwease come with me, Kimmy?”


Man, I was so close to going home and doing absolutely nothing. It’s not fair that she and Michelle knew my weakness of never being able to say  “no.”


Damn you, vile woman. “Ok. I’ll go with you.”


“Yay!”


Kimberly Tolstoy: 0


God of Irony: 2


The plan was to meet up at the tea parlor near school, the TiHi Hut. Why they thought that place would be appropriate to woo someone who spent his days smoking weed, I’ll never know.


The walk there was a pain, because Nora has this disease where she doesn’t know when to stop talking. One minute she went from telling me about her cat, Death Ryder, to saying that she wants to pierce both of her nipples. I had to use all my strength to not vomit right there on the sidewalk.


We got to the door of the TiHi Hut and Nora sighed heavily. The sad thing is, I was probably more nervous than she was.


She looked around until something caught her eye. She pointed to a booth at the far end of the parlor. I dragged my wobbling legs behind Nora to where He was sitting.


He had a black vest on with only two of the buttons connected. I couldn’t see his jeans, but if they were how they usually looked they most likely were ripped. His shoulder length, brown hair was messy with black streaks. At least his gray eyes were still the same. Other than that, everything about him had changed. Five years is a long  time apart from somebody.


He looked up and  I guess was surprised to see me because he did a double take and asked Nora, “ Wasn’t your friend Michelle supposed to come?”


She nodded. “Yeah. But she had a club meeting so I brought Kimmy Kim instead.”


He was very obviously refusing to make eye contact with me. “Oh.”


Me and Nora slid into the opposite side of the booth, with Nora sitting directly across from him. Hopefully she wouldn’t go overboard with trying to impress him.


“So you’re a hardcore rocker, right?” Of course, with Nora, simplicity wasn‘t in her vocabulary.


He shrugged. “I don’t like to label myself.”


“Oh. Well, I’m a hardcore punk.”


“I see.”


“I like the Click Five.”


“The band sucks.”


“Yeah. I meant to say that I used to like them,” Dear, God. “Um. Do you date scenesters?”


“No.”


Great, Nora was starting to shake. Just ask him to the movies, or something. Don‘t be fake. “Would you like to go moshing with me and my metal friends?”


We both stared at her with disbelief. It sounded so unreal coming out of her mouth, there should have been a laugh track in the background.


Nora was struck with embarrassment as she noticed the awkwardness after her idiotic question. I actually felt bad for her.


‘Relax, Nora. Stick it out. Don’t leave me here alone with him.’


And with that thought, she quickly excused herself to the bathroom.


Kimberly Tolstoy: 0


God of Irony: 3


<< God of Irony wins this game. Kimberly, prepare to drown in the depths of hell. >>


The silence was haunting.


“It’s been a while, huh?” He still wasn’t looking at me, but at least he was talking.


“Yeah…”


“Your friend is has problems.”


“Yeah…”  He had a very sexy voice and I was beginning to zone out. He must’ve caught on because he slid over so that he was across from me. Now it was my turn to avoid eye contact. I looked down into the baked goods menu, as if the items had magical powers.


“You’ve gotten prettier.”
I immediately looked up…I like compliments .


His eyes stared into mine.


“Thanks. You‘ve gotten more handsome.”


“I can’t believe we haven’t talked in five years.” he said softly.


I nodded and began to ease into the conversation. “I know. It feels like forever.”


“Wow we were both so immature in camp.” he said smiling sweetly. “Let’s call a truce.”


His sudden niceness after all this time made me feel happy. I was starting to remember why I had had a crush on him. I extended my pinky and he grasped it with his own. “Truce.”


A waitress came and asked us for our orders. I go hot chocolate for me and Nora, and Edward got some ice cream.


We began to talk about old times. Luckily, no one brought up the “forest incident.”


I looked at the clock and saw that twenty minutes had gone by.  Nora was gone for way too long.


“I think I’m going to go look for her.”


As I was about to get up, he put his hand on mine. “Calm down. She’ll come back when she’s ready.”


“Okay.” I said pathetically. He was so good looking.


“Camp sure was fun.”


“It really was. I had an awesome time.”


“Speaking about camp…” he said innocently.


I took a sip of my drink. “Yeah?” I said smiling.


“Do you want to try fucking, again?”


My hot chocolate went flying out my mouth.


“W-What?!”


He wiped the chocolate off his cheek and smirked. “You know: Sex. Making Love. Whoopee ---”


“I know what you mean, dumb ass!”


“So is that a yes or no?”


And this is where we left off.


“It’s an I-Don’t-Know-What-The-Hell-Is-Wrong-With-You!” I said angrily.


He leaned forward cockily. “Aww, but Kimmy Kim I thought that we were having so much fun bonding.”


I glared at him. “Yeah until you mentioned sex!”


Where was the nice guy I was just reminiscing with?


“I only mentioned it because I thought by now you wouldn’t be such a pussy.”


“If you want pussy that bad, why don’t you go to Wendy! You really enjoyed banging her on a tree during camp.”


He rolled his eyes. “It would’ve been you if you weren’t such a prude bitch!”


“Oh, I’m sooo sad that I missed out on such a once in a lifetime opportunity. How will I go on?”


The tension was too much to handle. I was just waiting for one of us to start throttling the other.


Thankfully, Nora finally decided to come back from her trip to Narnia.


“Sorry, I took so long. I had to quickly use the bathroom.” For thirty minutes? Right. “What’d I miss?”


Edward smirked at me evilly. “Well---”


Before he could finish making what I assumed to be an embarrassing statement, I used my cosmic knowledge of bull shitting to make an excuse to leave.


“Nora, I’m so sorry, but I just remembered that I have to go work on my chemistry report.”


“Are you sure that you have to go now?” She pouted.


“Yeah, Kimmy, are you sure?” he said mimicking her with a raised brow.


“Yes. So, I’m just going to leave you two alone. Have fun!” I moved over to get up. “See you guys later.”


I was close enough to hear Edward say under his breath, “And I’ll fuck you, later.”


Ignoring him, I got out of the booth and turned to Nora. She was too busy nervously looking around the room to have heard him.


I walked speedily out of the parlor. Outside I wandered down the block into an empty alley and screamed at the top of my lungs. That jerk took advantage of our old friendship to gain my trust,  and then he used it against me to get under my skin. I was clearly not the only one who was still holding onto a grudge.


“Special Ed” fit him so well.