Night of Terror

         It had been over a year since Callisto had been in placement. She was 18 and in her first year of college at Pittsburgh Technical Institute studying Safety and Security Administration. She was living in her own apartment in Oakdale, Pennsylvania and pulling a 3.8 GPA.
         It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon in late August when Callisto decided to drive north for three hours to her favorite place to shop in Erie. The hours passed by quite slow as she tried to entertain herself by listening to one of her favorite mixed CD's. However, she could only tolerate listening to her favorite songs about three times before losing interest.
         It was near six 'o' clock in the evening when she finally reached the sign for the bay front exit. She drove along the bay front as memories of the five months she spent in Erie at a Residential Treatment Facility came rolling back. As she approached the Pepsi Amp Theater, she noticed there was an event taking place there. She decided to check it out.
         By the sounds of the commotion, Callisto guessed the event was a concert. The band sounded good so she joined one of the many small groups in the crowd enjoying the show. It wasn't until the next band began playing that she noticed a handsome African-American man in his early twenties paying quite a bit of attention to her. His complexion was light for his race. His face was shaved clean along with his head. He had the body of a basketball player; he was tall and lean. She tried not to stare, but she couldn't help but do the "look, look-away" pattern. By the end of the next band's set, he caught her eye and flashed her a brilliant white smile. Callisto melted with flattery.
         Three hours later, Callisto and her admirer, Lee, sat on top of the monkey bars at a park on Second and Cherry Street enjoying each other's company with a few wine coolers. Callisto wasn't a drinker; she never had been. She despised the bitterness of beer and she couldn't handle the potency of liquor. She didn't plan on drinking because of these reasons and because the medications she was on required that she didn’t drink, but she didn’t want to spoil the fun with Lee. She knew she would end up drinking sooner or later; she just thought it would be later.
         Time seemed to fly by as Lee kept handing her more drinks. Soon, Callisto’s senses were quite diminished. She remembered one moment they were hanging upside down on the monkey bars and it seemed only minutes later they were in the grass wrestling. She remembered Lee playfully pinning her, but that triggered an uneasiness that Callisto couldn't shake. The feeling got worse as Lee slowly slid his hand underneath her shirt as he kissed her. Callisto no longer wanted to “play,” but a few moments later, she realized that Lee wasn’t playing anymore. She frantically tried to push his wandering hands away; to push him away, but the message apparently wasn’t clear enough for Lee. Callisto got scared and tensed up as she tried to push him off her. She turned her head away from him and whimpered his name. She tried to tell him to stop, but he didn’t.

*  *  *

         An older black corvette with flame decals along the sides sat outside the house called ERMH (Erie Residential Mental Health) an hour before midnight. Inside the house, sixteen female clients slept soundlessly while three staff continued writing notes about the clients’ behaviors. Downstairs the shift leader for the second shift was finishing her report on the evening shift and another staff was collecting her belongings preparing to leave for the night.
         Inside the corvette sat Callisto with a small razor blade. Her eyes were cold and empty as she stared obliviously at the dash. The blade sliced across her right forearm almost mechanically. Her breathing was labored, but steady.
         Blood poured from her arm as the blade pushed deeper with every slash. She began rocking back and forth as the cuts turned into gashes from the blade cutting the same spots repeatedly. Half drunk and in shock, Callisto’s head finally dropped against the steering wheel, activating the car horn
         By this time, staff Mindi Wion was headed toward her own car since her shift was over. The sudden blaring noise of a car horn made her nearly jump out of her skin, but quickly recovering, she raced to the black corvette where a girl lay slumped against the wheel. Mindi opened the door to pull the girl out of the car.
         Callisto got out on her own, shutting the door behind her. Mindi took a few steps back as the stench of liquor enveloped her. The smell turned her stomach. Callisto leaned against the car, barely able to stand. She tried to get a look at who had tried to pull her out of her car. Then she recognized the woman whom she trusted very much; the woman who had been her staff and caretaker just over a year ago.
She slurred, “Hey…I know you. You’re Miss…Miss Mindi. Yeah, that’s it.” She sniggered.
At this point it was evident to Mindi how intoxicated Callisto was. Though Mindi knew the answer, she asked anyway, "Have you been drinking?" Callisto was still off in her own world, not really paying much attention to Mindi.
"Callisto...Calli!" Callisto looked up at Mindi this time. "Calli, have you been drinking?"
The question seemed to take a moment to register in Callisto's mind. Not completely remembering the previous events of her evening, Callisto shook her head, "No, no. I don't drink...Heh, you know me better than that, Miss Mindi!" She laughed as she slid against the car still struggling to stand.
A disappointed Mindi responded, "Yes, Callisto, I do know you better. I know that you despise alcohol as much as I do, so I'm wondering why you're standing in front of me so drunk you can't even stand on your own."
Callisto looked around at the ground almost as if looking for something; as if looking for the way to explain to Miss Mindi that she wasn't drunk...Though she didn't remember how she got to be standing in front of her former staff. Still quite disoriented, Callisto lost her train of thought. When she looked up again and saw Mindi before her, she slurred with a stupefied grin, "I luvya."
Mindi's stomach lurched as she replied in a cold tone, "No, you don't. Trust me. You can't love anyone; you don't even love yourself."
Callisto swayed and had to grab hold of her car to keep standing, "Whoa...I don't feel so good." She rubbed her forehead with the back of her hand. That's when Mindi saw the blood covering Callisto's right arm and she had to turn away, almost dry-heaving from the sight.
She tried to recover from the sickening sight of blood, not bothering to hide the disgust in her voice, "My God, what did you do?" As much as the sight made her sick, she couldn't help but look at it.
"Do? Wha-I..." Callisto looked at her arm, and slowly the condition of her arm sobered her enough to remember what had occurred with Lee just a short time before. Tears quickly began to stream down her face as images flashed through her head of what had been done to her just hours before. Her breathing became erratic as she slowly sank down against her car. Mindi came closer, following her instincts and the protocol of proximity control; the closer she got to the person in distress the more able she would be to protect the person from hurting themselves or others. Mindi also knew that Callisto always felt safer with someone she trusted by her side.
Callisto was clutching her head now, filled with fear and shock. Mindi recognized the signs of flashbacks occurring and tried to find out what it was that she had triggered within Callisto.
"Calli, what happened? Listen to me. What happened to you?" Mindi tried to put her arm around Callisto to physically "ground" her in the present so that the flashback didn't drive her to injure herself any worse than she already had. Callisto cried, shaking and whimpering.
Callisto wept, "He-he raped me! He raped me!" Mindi closed her eyes in despair, foreseeing the likely repercussions this could have on Callisto's recent path of success. She wrapped her arms around Callisto trying to calm her. Callisto was hysteric, but quickly losing her strength.  Though it was warm outside, Mindi noticed Callisto's skin felt cold; it was like ice against her own skin, which always had a chill to it. Callisto had lost a lot of blood and her arm was still bleeding, though not as severely. Mindi knew Callisto needed a doctor sooner rather than later, especially if Callisto was still on psychotropic medications for her mental health.
By the time the ambulance had arrived on scene, Callisto was barely conscious. Mindi now faced a difficult decision: whether or not to go to the hospital with Callisto. On the one hand, Callisto was a former client and no staff is to have any contact with former clients until at least two years following their discharge from the program, but on the other hand, Mindi felt a certain level of responsibility to Callisto; to at least make sure she was okay-after all, Mindi had called the ambulance.
It didn't take Mindi long to decide, especially when the third shift supervisor commented, "She knows you, Mindi. It would help to have someone she knows there with her."

*  *  *

Nearly five hours later Callisto was being checked out of the hospital with almost ninety stitches in her right forearm, gauze wrapping the same arm, and a safety contract in hand. She had had to be revived from the loss of blood, only to be sedated once she regained some wind as she had gone into hysterics after the completion of her rape kit examination. Once she recovered from the sedative, she was evaluated by a crisis counselor. After establishing that she did indeed want to live and was not having homicidal urges, she was allowed to leave.
Mindi was still talking on her cell phone with Callisto's therapist in Pittsburgh exchanging information and ideas for plans to implement for Callisto's safety following this incident. Though it was not Mindi's responsibility to plan for Callisto's aftercare, she was quite concerned about Callisto and she did care about her very much despite the strict guidelines set forth by the company she worked for.
Callisto followed Mindi out to her Dodge Neon and got into the car with her. Mindi finished her conversation a short moment later. She turned to Callisto and informed her that her therapy sessions would be increased to twice weekly until further notice by her therapist. She further informed her that various people in her circle of support would be calling to check in with her at least every other day, if not every day, and that she was highly encouraged to join a local support group for survivors of rape, incest, and abuse. Callisto sighed and nodded, knowing the usual safety measures implemented following a mental health crisis.
"It's twenty to five in the morning. I really don't feel comfortable with you driving home at this hour. However, I think I've already overstepped my boundaries as a mental health professional, so I don't think I can offer you a place to stay for the night," Mindi expressed worriedly.
Callisto shook her head, "It's fine. Honestly, you've done much more than I deserve. If you don't want me to drive home right now, I'll wait for a while. Although I do need to be back home by noon; I have a prior engagement."
"But where will you stay?"
"I can sleep in my car somewhere along the road."
Mindi objected, "No. I can't let you just sleep at some random spot along the road; I wouldn't feel right. Besides the fact that somebody could hurt you, I don't want you to be completely alone right now. I just don't think it's a good idea."
"Then what do you suggest I do? Stay with you and risk you getting in trouble for having contact with me before the two years following my discharge is up? No, I don't want to impose on you and I don't want to risk getting you into trouble. Besides that, I'm not going to hurt myself, so it's not like I can't be alone for a few hours."
Mindi started her car then replied, "I don't care about getting into trouble; No one else will know that you stayed a few hours at my house. I don't want you alone right now...You can say you're not going to hurt yourself, but that doesn't mean it won't happen. With what you've just been through, you're likely to go through periods of time where you won't be thinking rationally and I don't want you to do something dangerous."
Callisto didn't argue because she knew it would do no good, Miss Mindi was just as stubborn as her. She looked out the window thinking, Do you think you can stop me if I did try to hurt myself again? If I really want to hurt myself there's not much anyone can do to stop me...Addicts want what they want when they want it, and if they really want it, no one will stop them from getting it...Why am I fighting her on this? I should be thanking her for helping me.
She took a deep breath trying to dispel the fear that was welling up inside her. She couldn't talk to Miss Mindi while her thoughts were so conflicting. She went back in her mind trying to figure out how her life could change so much in a matter of twelve hours. She replayed those twelve hours in her head, kicking her self over every little mistake.
Mindi drove in silence wondering if what she said had triggered Callisto into thinking of doing something dangerous. Mindi hadn't mentioned one of the main reasons she didn't want Callisto to drive home at this time; she knew that whatever Callisto had used to cut herself was probably still in her vehicle and until Mindi got rid of it, she didn't want Callisto going anywhere. She also figured that the first twelve hours or so after the rape might be the most difficult for Callisto. Knowing Calli's history, she could experience anything from flashbacks to panic attacks to full out rage. It would be better for Mindi to handle those incidents should they occur rather than Callisto going through it alone or with someone who wasn't as well versed in the mental health field.
A few minutes later they were at Mindi's home near East Twenty-Third Street. Callisto slowly followed Mindi to the door as if still lost in thought. As Mindi unlocked her front door, Callisto fought a sudden urge to run. Then she realized there was no point in running; no matter how much the fear in her head told her to run-run far and fast. Once inside, Mindi turned on a lamp in her living room while Callisto took off her shoes. Callisto leaned against the doorway to the living room and watched as Miss Mindi put both couch pillows at one end of the couch and grabbed the small blanket draped over the back of the couch to put lay it below the pillows.
Callisto smirked, "You expect me to sleep?"
Mindi turned around with her hands open at her sides, "Well, you should try to rest, even if you don't sleep...You've got to be exhausted."
"Don't...Don't tell me how I've got to be and what I should and shouldn't do."
Mindi dropped her head, not expecting the hostility from Callisto, but accepting it out of sympathy for Callisto's situation.
Callisto rubbed her forehead realizing how harsh her words had sounded. She sighed, "I'm sorry...I really appreciate what you're doing for me. I shouldn't be treating you like the enemy because you're not. So I'm sorry."
Mindi also accepted Callisto's apology. She didn't expect it either, though she should have from Calli. Calli always did respect anyone who ever did anything for her. It was just like Calli to apologize for any disrespectful behavior. She smiled at Calli and offered her the couch with an open arm gesture.
Callisto accepted the offer and sat on the couch trying to get a grip on her emotions. Tears filled her eyes, but she refused to cry. She lied back on the couch and put the blanket over her body. Mindi helped spread the blanket over Callisto before tucking her in. This time Callisto did cry. When Callisto had been in the ERMH house there was one thing that she always felt she needed before she went to sleep and she had asked staff that she trusted to give her that one thing she needed, but those staff told her that they were not allowed to tuck her in, even if they wanted to give her what she needed. Yet here Miss Mindi remembered this and was overlooking another small boundary line.
Mindi sat on the edge of the couch beside Callisto, asking, "What is it?"
Callisto smiled, "You tucked me in; you remembered."
Mindi felt a smile tug at her lips and she brushed a strand of hair from Callisto's eyes behind her ear, "How could I forget you asking me to tuck you in every night for the first month you stayed at ERMH? Besides, I figure I've already broken enough rules, what's one more? I know you said it helps you sleep; it helps you feel safe."
Callisto nodded and thanked Mindi before closing her eyes to go to sleep. Mindi turned the light off and went upstairs to her own bed in hope of getting some rest. She was so exhausted she didn't even bother to change her clothes; she flopped on her bed and immediately passed out. However, she wasn't even asleep for an hour when she was awakened by noises downstairs. She ran downstairs dreading what she'd find. When she reached the living room she saw Callisto thrashing on the couch in a nightmare. She screamed as if she were being attacked. Mindi tried to avoid flailing fists as she moved to Callisto's side.
Callisto woke up when Mindi gently shook her shoulder. She frantically wrapped her arms around Mindi thankful beyond words that she was safe. She sobbed loudly still trying to shake the feeling of Lee's hands on her body that she had just relived so realistically. Mindi slid onto the couch and held Callisto like she held her little sister when she had a bad dream.
"It's okay. You're safe. There's nobody here; it's just us." She cooed, "Shh...You’re okay. Shh..."

*  *  *

Callisto was on her way home two hours later trying to focus on the road and not the events of the past twenty-four hours. It was hard to do. She couldn’t believe that Miss Mindi had insisted on searching her car before she left; as if she had a stash of blades hidden there. Though she was kind of glad Miss Mindi had found the blade she had used to disfigure her arm last night. It saved her the trouble of seeing it and having flashbacks. She just had to keep herself from looking down at her seat where it was stained with blood.
The drive home didn’t seem as long as the trip up to Erie, but she wasn’t complaining. The sooner she could get home and go back to her everyday activities, the sooner she could forget this whole mess along with her stupidity that had gotten her into it. It was half past eleven when she arrived at her apartment in Oakdale. The first thing she did when she got inside was head to the bathroom to get a scalding hot shower to wash the filth from her body.
She didn’t even check to see if her roommate was home, she just went to the bathroom, locked the door, and stripped. She turned on the water letting it wash over her like it was cleansing her very soul. She grabbed her wash cloth and put it over her face, breathing in the steam and gaining a small sense of comfort in doing so. Then she began to scrub trying to remove the dirty feeling she had. She was told not to get her stitches wet, but she had already removed the gauze wrapping from her arm along with her clothes. She didn’t even feel any pain as she tried to scrub the arm. She scrubbed each body part harder than the last, not noticing that her stitches were bleeding. Tears escaped her eyes only to be washed away with the blood from her arm. She sank into the corner of the shower weeping.
She was crying so loudly that she almost didn’t hear the knock on her bathroom door. She heard the voice of her roommate, Jane, calling for her. She slowly stopped crying and pulled herself upright. She turned off the water and heard Jane ask if she was okay. She stepped out of the shower grabbing a towel. She replied that she was fine, even though she wasn't. She dried herself off and grimaced when she saw that her stitches were bleeding. She gently patted her arm dry before getting dressed.
When she opened the door Jane was leaning against the wall across from her. She looked Callisto up and down as if expecting to find answers on her body.
"So where were you last night?"
Callisto avoided Jane's eyes, "Erie. I went shopping and...I met up with a friend."
Jane replied in a skeptical tone, "Right...So your therapist, Janice, has been calling here all morning for no reason at all? Come on, don't give me that. What happened?"
Callisto tried to walk away but Jane grabbed her arm-her arm with stitches. Callisto pulled away flinching in reaction to someone touching her fresh cuts. That's when Jane knew. She saw Callisto's fearful eyes searching her face, hoping she didn't realize why Calli had just pulled away so quickly. She grabbed Callisto's hand, attempting to examine the wounds, but Callisto pulled away again too ashamed to let Jane see them.
"Calli, talk to me...What happened? Were you even in Erie last night?"
Callisto felt the sting of more tears coming as she nodded. She began to back into a shell that she thought she would never have to go into again and said in a shaky voice, "I just don't want to talk about it right now, okay?"
Jane wanted to help, but she knew that she wasn't as qualified to help her as Janice was, and apparently Janice knew more about what had happened than she did. She nodded and gave Callisto a hug. She tried to sound positive, "It’s okay. Give Janice a call though; she seemed pretty worried the last time she called."
When they let go Callisto gave a nod in reply. She looked at her watch and realized it was noon; her best friend, Trent, was supposed to be coming to pick her up for lunch. She had just put on her shoes when there was a knock on the door. She opened the door to a very excited Trent who rushed in the door and swept her off her feet in a hug swinging her around like he always did. She smiled and accepted the hug; Trent was like a brother to her. It had been about six weeks since she'd last seen him so she was just as excited to see him as he was to see her.
He finally put her down a minute later, but he still held on. In the past, she had always had to be the one to break the embrace, but today it was Trent who let go first. They walked down to his Cavalier and headed out to Kelly’s Cajun Grill.
Calli ordered her favorite dish of honey-lemon chicken and rice while Trent ordered a spicy flavored chicken. They caught up on old times and fresh news. Once they finished eating and picking on each other, they went back to her apartment. Jane had left a note saying she would be out all day and that Janice had called again.
Trent and Calli decided to watch a movie together. Calli pulled out the couch futon in her room while Trent went to her movie collection to pick a DVD. Trent couldn’t decide which movie to watch so Calli made popcorn while she waited. Finally Trent picked a movie with Angelina Jolie, their favorite actress. Calli put the movie in while Trent got comfortable on the futon.
In the middle of the movie, Trent noticed Calli was slowly falling asleep on his shoulder. He brushed the hair out of her face and smiled. Her droopy eyes looked up at him so innocently. He planted a kiss on her forehead, then her nose. She laughed quietly, still exhausted from recent events. Trent took her hand and placed it flat between his own hands. He lightly traced the lines of her palm down to her wrist. Her sleeve moved when his fingers reached her wrist. He noticed redness from irritation on her wrist and pulled her sleeve back to investigate.
Trent asked in his big brother voice, “What happened?”
Callisto allowed him to run his fingers over the stitches, “I got into some trouble last night.” Trent didn’t say anything, giving her permission to continue. “I was so stupid. I went to Erie to go shopping, but I saw this concert going on. I stopped to check it out…I met this guy.”
She saw Trent's face darken. The muscle in his jaw started to quiver as he clenched it and unclenched it like he was literally chewing on what she had just said. He avoided her eyes as if he were trying to think up some tortuous way to get revenge against this guy.
His tone was flat; cold and menacing, "What's his name?"
She shook her head, "Trent, no."
Trent sat up, "What's his name?"
Calli put her hand on his shoulder, "Trent..."
He put his hand up, "Look...Calli, this guy hurt you. He's not gonna get away with it. I don't care what you say; I won't let him get away with it."
She cried now, "Trent. Don't. Please don't. This isn't your problem. I just want to forget about it."
He turned around and looked at her, disbelieving, "Calli! How can you say that? How can you sit there and say this isn't my problem? You're my best friend; if somebody hurts you, I'm not gonna sit around and do nothing about it! Dammit, Calli!"
"Trent, stop it!"
He now realized how much he was upsetting her and he couldn't stand to see her cry because of him. He put his arms around her to hold her apologizing, "Calli...I'm sorry. I just...I should've protected you."
Calli pushed him away, "Don't...Trent, you can't always be there."
It broke his heart to be pushed away, literally and figuratively, by someone he cared about so much. He tried to wipe some of her tears away, "I know, but I...I should be able to protect you." She turned away from his hand. Trent felt a lump form in his throat. He hid his face trying not to let Calli see the tears threatening to spill down his face.
"Trent, I think you should go."
"What? Calli, don't do this. Don't shut me out."
Calli got up off the futon, "Trent, I don't want to argue with you; just go."
It was Trent's turn to cry. He stared after her like he'd just lost his puppy. He didn't want to upset her, but he couldn't just walk out and leave her like this. He got up and followed her to the bathroom where she was splashing cool water on her face.
"Calli, I can't just leave...I can't walk out on you like this."
She looked at him, her face betraying no emotion, "If you don't it's only going to make things worse."
He put both hands on either side of the doorway and dropped his head, "Please talk to me. Don't let this break us."
Still restraining her anger, she replied in an icy tone, "I'm not the one letting this come between us, Trent; you are."
He sensed that he was skating on thin ice and beneath it was the hell Calli was going through. "Cals, just talk to me; that's all I'm asking."
The ice broke and Calli exploded, "What do you want me to tell you?! What? Do you want me to tell you how I don't remember driving myself to the old RTF I was at? How I don't remember how I got a hold of a razor blade?"
Trent said, "Yes. I want to know--"
"You want to know how I don't remember the ambulance ride to the hospital because I passed out? How when I woke up in the hospital, I was so weak I couldn't talk? Then when they finished examining every inch of my body I tried to tear apart everything in my path?!"
He tried to reach out his hands to her, "Calli, I want to help. Please, let--"
Calli threw her hands in the air, "What do I have a freakin' sign on my back that says, 'Help me'?! You can't save me, Trent!"
"Calli, I love you. I just want to be there for you. Please...I love you."
"Stop it-stop it!" She pushed him out the doorway. "Get out."
Trent stumbled back, helpless to do anything, "Calli, don't do this! I love you!"
She pushed him again, "Get out!"
He stood back, perplexed by the increase in her anger with his every word. He turned around, heading for the front door.

*  *  *

Callisto sat in her corvette outside Matteo and Johnson Mental Health offices in Rochester, Pennsylvania. It was twenty minutes before her next scheduled session with her therapist, Janice Matteo. It had been three days since she had thrown Trent out of her apartment. She had tried to push the event from her mind. In fact, she had tried to push absolutely everything from her mind. She had filled her mind with facts and figures from her research for a statistics report due in her Public Safety class in a week.
She finally got out of her car, still early for her appointment, and headed for the door. She walked into the lobby and turned to face the receptionist. She knew the man behind the desk; he was there every time she came in to see Janice. He asked if what time her appointment was and she replied that it was for three 'o' clock.
She didn't even have to wait; as soon as the receptionist, James, called Janice to let her know that Callisto was there, Janice immediately came to get her for their session. She followed Janice to a room labeled Play Therapy.
Janice started with, "I thought this might be a good time to go over your treatment plan. I want to make sure I didn't leave anything out, and I wanted to get your input on some things."
Callisto nodded as if her mind were in a fog. She took the packet of papers that Janice handed her. She flipped through the old stuff, like her history and her past progress, straight to the page with goal number four: Callisto was abused by an older cousin at the age of six...Blah, blah, blah. Okay, here we go; the new stuff...Allegedly raped on 8/29/07 by an unknown assailant-blah, blah, blah...sub-goals. Goal 4d) Callisto will identify her feelings regarding rape and report them to therapist...Goal 4e) Callisto will compare her feelings regarding her past abuse with feelings regarding her recent sexual assault. She flipped back a few more pages 'till pictures fell out; snap shots taken by police the night she was raped. They showed bruising on the inside of her thighs. There were photographs of the bruises in the shape of fingers on the back of each thigh. She put them at the back of the treatment plan and read the new safety contract Janice had drawn up. Janice watched in silence.
Finally Callisto set the packet down in her lap and leaned back in her armchair. Janice sat at an angle across from her, but to the left in an identical armchair. These weren't normal armchairs though; they were placement armchairs. They were cheap, but they managed to tolerate a fair amount of abuse. They had a wooden frame and sat low to the floor. They had two cushions; one to sit on and one to lean back against. The floor was even covered in the standard blue placement carpet; the carpet that had been dubbed "unforgivable" after the numerous rug burns received after the many two-to-three hour restraints Callisto had been in while at her first placement. Between the two chairs was a small end table that matched the style of the chairs. On the table sat a lamp and an open container filled with neon colored connectors. There was a geometric design built with the connectors on top of the loose pieces in the container. Callisto picked it up and began attaching more pieces and detaching others as she continued to take in the scenery of the room around her.
There were two bean bag chairs sitting side-by-side along the wall closest to Janice. One was multi-colored, made of a strong fabric while the other was made of bright blue pleather. Across the room along the wall nearest to Callisto was another bean bag chair made of bright red pleather. Along the far wall was a stand with two shelves full of board games and twelve cubby holes. The cubby holes each held an open container with related toys. Though Callisto couldn't read the labels in front of each container, she could see that one container held doctor paraphernalia; another had rope and handcuffs. In one far corner sat a lone swivel chair.
Callisto fiddled with the connector pieces as she asked, "Why this room?"
Janice shrugged, "Most of the other rooms were in use and my office is hot and stuffy, not to mention a wreck...What do you think of the treatment plan?"
"What am I supposed to think?"
Janice stared at the connector pieces in Callisto's hands, "I'm not going to tell you what to think. I'm asking for your genuine thoughts regarding the additions to the treatment plan. I want to know if there's anything you feel I should add or change." Janice thought she had seen every side of Callisto, but apparently not. She had never seen Callisto willingly give up her own thoughts and identity in exchange for what someone thought she should think. Even if meant she had to be curt with her, she would not let Callisto regress when she had come so far.
"Why do I need a safety contract regarding cutting when the real issue that needs to be addressed is why I provoke men?"
Janice wasn't sure where Calli was headed with this, but she wasn't sure she wanted to see, "I don't recall seeing that in your history." She picked up her copy of the treatment plan to flip through it, as if looking for it.
"It's not in there. I'm asking why it isn't...You're asking if I see anything that needs to be changed..."
Janice sat back, "Okay, why do you think that needs to be in there? How do you provoke men?"
Callisto sighed as she put the connector design back in the container, "I lead them on; I make them think I want them. I can't even talk to a guy without him perceiving me as flirting. If I like a guy, apparently that means I have to sleep with him. If I have a drink with a guy, apparently that means something. If I hang out with a guy, apparently I've got to give him something."
Janice looked at Callisto, "What are you saying? That you brought this on? Let me tell you something: When you were six years old, you didn't say, 'Hey, come abuse me.' You didn't say you wanted to be touched. The other night, you didn't have any responsibility to have sex with that guy. What happened was not your fault."
"Yeah. Right. It wasn't my fault."
Janice said, "It really wasn't, Calli. Just because you like a guy, it doesn't mean he has the right to violate you. Just because you have a drink with him, he doesn't have your permission to touch you. And even if you're hanging out with him, he still doesn't have any rights to your body."
Callisto dropped her gaze, "Well the word 'no' obviously didn't mean anything to him, so my behavior before the fact must have meant more and warranted his actions." She looked up with a bittersweet smile.
She stood up and began to pace slowly. Janice stood as well. Callisto walked over to the cubby holes and kneeled down. She looked at the toys organized so neatly into separate containers. Janice watched Callisto, searching for words to say. When Calli turned around, it was with a pair of handcuffs on her wrists. She stood up and smiled like a little kid with a new toy. Janice looked down, now having an even harder time trying to find words. She almost wanted to laugh, but this was her chance; this was her chance to get through to Calli. Her walls were down, she was vulnerable and that meant she was open to whatever Janice said to her.
"Calli, I don't know a lot of things, but I know that this wasn't your fault. None of it is your fault."
Calli moved over to the red bean bag chair sitting by itself and sat down, "I know...I mean, I said no, right? What're you gonna do?"
Janice shook her head, "No, Calli, it's not your fault."
She smiled, "Yeah, I know."
Janice grabbed the other two bean bag chairs and stacked them in front of Callisto before sitting down on them. Callisto's hands were still in cuffs in front of her while her elbows rested on her knees. Janice took Calli's hands in hers copying her position. She looked into Callisto's eyes, "Listen to me. It's not your fault."
Callisto raised a skeptical eyebrow, "I know."
Janice repeated, "It's not your fault."
Calli's smile faded, "I'm not Will...Yeah, I saw the movie, too. I'm not gonna break down and cry, Sean."
Janice didn't falter, "Callisto Malosa, what I'm saying is true. It's not-your-fault."
Calli shook her head, "No. Stop it." She tried to pull her hands away from Janice.
Janice held on tighter. She refused to give up, "It's not your fault...It's not your fault."
Callisto kept shaking her head, trying to put her walls up; trying to shut the window on Janice's fingers to keep her out, but it wouldn't work. Janice repeated the fact again and again, drilling it into Calli's mind. Finally Calli broke and a flood of pain came crashing down.
She let out a wail, releasing tears full of pain. She shook as she cried. Her head dropped into Janice's lap, unable to control the tears and the pain. Janice put her hand on Calli's shoulder, leaving her other hand in her lap still entwined with Calli's hands. Calli squeezed Janice's hand. Janice whispered in Calli's ear, "It's okay. It's not your fault. You said no, and they ignored that. They are at fault. You are worth just as much today as before they hurt you. They didn't take anything from you. They put things on you and made you feel things; things you weren't ready to feel and some things that no one should ever have to feel."