Nostalgia....a girl's journal

June 2, 1949
It's so hard to believe that this journey started so long ago. How come every time I look around, something's changed? Now I only see dim reflections of what could have been. Disappointment mixed with fear conspire against me but somewhere within my heart I hear a voice pleading with me to wake up and face my fears. But it is hard. So hard it drives me mad sometimes like when I wake up, sweating, blood rushing to my face as I realize the predicament I'm in all over again. Could there be anyone out there who is just like me, but then I put aside the hope. Not a single person on this sinful earth knows my thoughts or my hurt.
Or could I be wrong?
Could Jesus Christ....that entity that people talk so often about..actually know every single detail about me? I sincerely don't know if i will ever buy into this craziness, or is it craziness? My heart keeps whispering, all the while begging me not to and I listen. Somehow, though, there is something (dare I admit it?) that almost drives me to get up and yell at my stupid fear. "You can quit hiding...now."
Who knew what a phrase like this could do to a heart, until you've met one like mine, you'll never know.
If there wasn't a god, though, then what hope could there possibly be? How would we ever make it through this hard world if nobody had anything to turn to....or trust in? Hmm....

June 16, 1949

Now I must be certain sure: He must exist! Just yesterday I realized this, walking home in the rain through a beautiful scenic park downtown. What beauty I saw...mingled with my own loneliness...when it finally dawned on me that I am missing out on so much just because of my own stubborness. Just because I didn't want God to exist doesn't mean that he abides by my own rules. Now, I'm taking Him in like a breath of fresh air, it's as if I've been walking through a deserted, barren mansion and all of a sudden it's beautiful, clean and restored once again. I love it.

June 29, 1949

This will be my last day ever to see Mechanicsburg ever again...tonight I will be flying out of Harrisburg, beginning my new life in a place faraway where my uncle is stationed in the navy. I don't know what to say here other than this chapter of my life is definately closed. I am on to new beginnings, and even though I've been so afraid of the future, recently I've been realizing more and more who God really is and how terrible my nature really is.
Maybe this sounds cliche to all you who hate hearing this all the time, but I've never been so thrilled about one particular thing in my whole life, and I definately am someone whom it takes awhile to impress! I love this new life that I've been offered, though, I mean..the moment I surrendered my life over to the only One who can fill this major huge hole in my heart..was the first time I've actually started really living, really caring.
The people I work or should I say used to work (Oh, that feels so foreign!) with have told me recently that I've somehow become more genuine. It's surprising to me that before I accepted Jesus Christ into my life...to cleanse my brokenness...I used to do so many good things for people. Now, I'm not even trying and the simplest things I do...people notice and are crazy ecstatic about it!

June 31, 1949

There was a layover at the airport in Charleston, before I leave for my final destination: Jacksonville! People are so different here, I love looking at their faces but they seem hurting. I wonder if it's just them, or if it's Jesus' love in my soul screaming out at me to not just pity them but to do something about it! I wanted to take time to say here what I actually learned about this Jesus that has changed my life. Ever since I was thirteen I adored romance novels, happy endings and (of course) weddings...so it's always a given for me to get caught up in an amazing or simple love story.
A young lawyer stepped up to me at the park as I stood hovering under my wide black umbrella. "Have you heard of the most beautiful love story ever written?"
It was a dreary day, as I described earlier, and I was distraught, worrying over my life as usual, I could have cared less what he had to say...I remained silent for the moment.
"Long ago, a Father knew that his Son had to die for a world that would perish without him. He sent this man to the world....knowing that through this pain he had to bear it would all work out somehow, and bring His people, those he loved, to his loving embrace." at this point, the young man covered his eyes with his briefcase, attempting to shield himself from the pelting rain, "Even though this Man was the son of the King, he came humbly into the world, born to a poor young woman in a stable. He grew up to be a carpenter, but that profession didn't last long for he soon started to speak to anyone who would listen, about his Father and the wonderful life they would have if they believed, confessed the wrongs they had done against the King and chose to live differently." the young man looked down, then at his shoes, this apparently was the hardest part for him, I watched him closely.
"Only a few would listen. His heart broke as one by one people turned away from his promise. 'I'm here to give you a new life!' he would always say, 'you will die without me...come and I will give you rest' but they rejected him, so he spent a night crying over the wretchedness of his own people...Oh how MUCH he loved them!!! He wanted to live with them forever in his Kingdom and yet he couldn't force them....He loved them, and yet it had to be as such."
"These people," I had interrupted, getting rather tired of his monologue. "why didn't they just listen?"
"They wanted to go their own way, do whatever they wanted on their own. They didn't want his help, his promise or his kingdom because they thought they didn't need him."
Here....it was my turn to look at the ground, the rain pit-pattering on the cement sidewalk, turning the asphalt dark and muddy around my feet.
"The day at last came for him to die." I sucked in a breath...this story was hard. "And he allowed those he would give his life for to pound nails into his flesh. This would be the end of the hopelessness of sin....the terrible wretchedness of his people."
Tears shone in my eyes, never had a story like this move me before. "I- I ...did he have to do that? Those stupid people...didn't even care!" Had I cared?
"Then, three days after, he rose up from the grave. He conquered death. The Son of the King defied death, and no more would his people have to suffer if they trusted and believed and put their whole souls into following hard after him. He was their breath of life. Their water in the desert place!"

I must board the plane now. It's getting late. But after that moment I never was the same. I hope you never will be too.

Nostalgia....a girl's journal  (E) something that I felt like writing....in first person....about someone's thoughts #1271001 by Reina